Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Real Jaclyn VS Wife Jaclyn (Spoiler Alert: I won)

It's been a while, again, since I've posted. Fuck. I hate to be that asshole who starts every blog post off with an apology and an excuse. Maybe I just need to make the statement, here and now that, hey, I'm busy fuckers. I'm a single mom now and I don't always have time to update, so BACK OFF (have you ever tried to type with a toddler sitting in your lap, banging on the keyboard and/or screeching about watching Elmo videos on YouTube?). Or you know, something less hostile.

Anyway. The past few months have been truly transitional for me. When I think about other transitions I've made in the past 8 years when I was with Rodolfo... well, very few of them were on my own terms. The ones that were, like going from "woman who shits alone" to "mother", are transitions I eagerly anticipated and had a lot of time to prepare for. I mean, if I really think about it, that one example I just gave is probably the only instance of something that happened on my terms during my entire relationship, and it was something I had to work really hard for and wanted very badly, so it didn't seem like a transition really. It felt like a natural progression of things.

The other big changes in my life were always the result of being pushed and picked apart and told what I needed to do to fit into someone else's mold of "wife" (and wife is the most important mold, in case you were wondering. More important than woman or mother or human being, even). Some were things I would have naturally fallen into in the process of growing up, except I was never allowed to follow my own pace. I was always pushed. The truth of the matter is that you can only be pushed so far and somehow, I was pushed a full 360 degrees until I became myself again and realized that I needed to leave. It just took a while.

I've spent the last few months fighting between real Jaclyn and wife Jaclyn. It's sort of strange. On the one hand, I had considered leaving several times before, so actually taking the initiative to pack up my shit and go was a real step in the right direction back toward the real me. On the other hand though, I had my kid crying for her daddy at night, a halved income, and a boatload of responsibilities that at least were theoretically split between Rodolfo and I before I moved out (they weren't ACTUALLY split, but at least I could be annoyed and bitch at him for never helping me when we lived together).

The first month and a half or so, I fell back into some old habits that weren't doing me any favors. I let myself believe I could save my marriage. I let him back in enough to where he started slipping back into HIS old habits. Which snapped me back to reality.

The reality, for me, is that I will eat a lot of shit in a relationship. I will spend a lot of time trying to be what the other person wants me to be. I will push back for a while, and then I'll get sick of fighting and start walking on eggshells to avoid a fight. Eventually, though, I will have had enough. And when I have had enough, I can just as easily never see you again. I will literally stay long enough to hate the other person. The hard part for me, is when I can't just never see him again, and he's a manipulative asshole and keeps getting his foot back in the door and nearly convincing me that he's truly changed.

Sometimes, you have to realize your faults. This is one of my faults. I give too much of myself. I mold myself into what I'm told I "should" be. Except, fuck that. Because now I'm 30 years old and I have a daughter to set an example for and so I went ahead and put my foot down this time. I stopped asking for his help. I stopped inviting him to spend time with Caitlyn at my house. I stopped giving him the proof he was looking for that I can't survive without him.

I feel that I've come full circle. I'm happy with myself for the first time in a long time. I've reconnected with old friends who I haven't seen in years, and I've embraced the friends and family who stuck around through all the bullshit, who watched me be unhappy and told me over and over again that I deserved better. I've got other stresses now: money, zero free time. Shit like that. But I can handle that. I have a support system for that. And my current support system always offers their help and love and encouragement. They never tell me I can't do it and they never expect anything in return.

What I'm saying is I'm doing awesome right now.