I'm captivating like a motherfucker, right? I guess that's why you wanna know more.
The basics are pretty straightforward: I'm 29 and married to an asshole. Caitlyn is my daughter and she's the best shit ever.
Becoming a mother wasn't easy for me. We tried to get pregnant for a while with no success, went to the doctor and were told we would need to do IVF. I got pregnant with my son, Nicholas, in the late summer/early fall of 2008. When I was 24 weeks pregnant (March '09) I went for a check-up and to my utter shock and horror they told me my son had died. We never really found out why.
After my loss, having another baby was the only thing on my mind. Within 3 months we were back at it with fertility treatments and by the end of the summer of '09, I was pregnant with Caitlyn. I spent that entire pregnancy terrified of another loss and feeling guilty to have moved on to have another baby so quickly. Oh, and there were daily shots of fucking blood thinners. Fun!
May 7, 2010 - Best fucking day of my life. Caitlyn's birthday, of course.
Caitlyn is seriously the awesomest chick ever. She's funny and smart and independent. And she will call you an asshole if you deserve it.
I write because I love to. I write because creativity and humor flow through me and it's something I need express.
I write because I want Caitlyn to know who I am, in a way that she would know a friend. When she is an adult (and especially when she is a mother herself), I'd like to have her read my posts and know that her existence defines me, but also that it doesn't. I want her to know that the mother I have become is because of the person I was before she came along. I want her to know that the choices I make are for her and that I always want for her everything she wants for herself and much more.
I want Caitlyn to know that she can be exactly the mother she wants to be and that she should be true to herself and that what other people want to believe is the "right" way to parent, is simply a matter of opinion. Her grandmother most certainly has an untraditional parenting style, and I feel I'm all the better for it.
I want her to know that she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Truly.
I'd like her to know that sometimes life is hard, but that doesn't have to define her either. Everyone has their own "worst time" of their life. And just because yours isn't the same as someone else's doesn't mean they can't understand or that your life is better or worse. You are who you are, and I hope that is a compassionate person. I think she will be.
I want her to know that marriage can be wonderful and it can be horrible. I want her to realize that she doesn't need another person to define her.
I blog for myself. I blog for my daughter. I hope that the lessons I learn as she grows are things she will one day be able to benefit from as a person and a parent. My blog is a record of those lessons, big and small. A guide to parenting. A record of my triumphs and mistakes. My blog is my heart, my mind and my opinions. And I truly hope that one day my daughter will get to see it.
