Thanksgiving

In a nutshell, Thanksgiving was a disappointment this year. That's not to say there weren't good moments, but it wasn't really what I had in mind for Caitlyn's first Thanksgiving. Every year, I go to my mom's, but this year my store pushed our mall to let us open and I had to work. The trade-off being that I could have Christmas Eve off. Caitlyn's first Christmas was definitely higher on the list so I agreed to be one of the two managers who had to work today.

It was a very quiet day. For some reason, my company thought there would be some crazy shopping bonanza but it really did go the other way and we were quiet the majority of the day, with just a few busy hours in the morning. The upside to that was when Rodolfo brought Caitlyn by during my lunch break. There were about 5 customers in the store at that point, so I ran around with Caitlyn, trying outfits on her, picking out the tiniest little fuzzy boots for her Christmas pictures and just generally spazzing out and making her giggle. Actually, it was pretty fun when I think about it.

Tomorrow is Black Friday and I have a 12 hour shift ahead of me. Not looking forward to that. But there is good news. This will be the only Thanksgiving Caitlyn will have without me. I got a new job. A grown-up job that isn't in retail and doesn't require me to miss every holiday and 90% of weekends with my daughter. I'm quite excited.

It was definitely awkward, quitting my retail job a month before Christmas. I had anxiety about it for an entire day before I finally told my boss. She was surprisingly understanding. I explained the part about my family life. Rodolfo and I have been working opposite schedules- literally opposite- we work for the same company and our bosses have been coordinating, to accommodate my sister and her new limitations with babysitting. I realized that I don't have a back-up plan if she decides she doesn't want to do it anymore again. And we have been really driving ourselves crazy trying to keep it all straight. So there's that.

The other part is about opportunities. During my yearly review, I was informed that because I don't have a bachelor's degree, I was no longer in line for any promotions. Ever. The company had decided that you need 4 years of schooling to do what I've been doing for a decade. They weren't taking anyone out of their positions or anything, but I wouldn't be considered for a promotion until I completed the remaning 2 and a half years of schooling I would need for a bachelors. Did I mention they told me this when I was fucking 8 MONTHS PREGNANT??? Yeah... pregnant and $10,000 in debt from fertility treatments. Sounds like an ideal time to go back to school! And ok...not to be bitchy or anything, but seriously, a bachelors to manage a clothing store? Are you fucking serious? It's not brain surgery. They didn't even specify "oh, a bachelors in business management". Nope, turns out any old bachelors will do. I could have a degree in Totally Irrelevant Bullshitology and I could get a promotion.

So I made a decision and I found something better. Something office-y and grown-up, where I have off nights and weekends and fucking Thanksgiving.

6 Months

Today Caitlyn had her 6 month well baby visit and vaccinations. She was officially 6 months old on the 7th. I can't believe how fast the time has gone. I can't picture my life before she was here but it seems so ridiculous that it's been half a year already. I've learned some stuff about myself since she's been born that surprised me. So here what I didn't expect:

1. I'm not really the nursery rhyme type. I sing Taio Cruz songs to Caitlyn and she loves it. And sometimes I start singing any song that pops into my head to her and I have to remind myself that the lyrics aren't really appropriate to sing to a child -If you're having girl problems, I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one. It's especially funny when I use Caitlyn's name instead of the word bitch- that's how I justify singing Jay-Z songs to my infant.

2. I never thought I'd be the type to get competitive with other moms in a playground bitch sort of way but I totally am. I think my kid is better then everyone else's. Cuter and smarter too. And not just in the obligatory way. I truly believe that she is far more advanced then all the dumb babies around me (did I mention that she said mama at 5 months?). And you can't even get mad at me for it. Because you think your kid is better too.

3. I never thought I'd be so concerned about the color, texture and smell of another person's shit. If you are curious, we are currently at the "brown, sticky, elephant" stage- only recently upgraded from "green, chunky, sour".

4. I am, in fact, the type of person who can get sucked in to feeling guilty about wanting to stop breastfeeding. Before Caitlyn was born, I always thought that breastfeeding moms were a little too intense about being anti-formula and how I wouldn't have any qualms about changing Caitlyn over to formula if breastfeeding got to be too difficult. But that's just not the reality. I feel like a bad mom who is putting convenience over what is best for my child. I feel like I would be giving her artifical crap instead of something natural and healthy. I feel intensely protective of the fact that this should be my decision and I shouldn't feel pressured by anyone else to stop breastfeeding. I feel grateful to our pediatrician for telling me I gave Caitlyn a great start, but also a little sad that he was so quick to throw formula samples at me instead of encouraging me to keep giving her breastmilk. I feel so torn.

5. As a kid, I never understood why my mom saw pets as such an inconvenience. It's because they fucking are an inconvenience. I got shit to do, dog.

6. It was quite shocking to realize I married a baby retard. He's the most logical man I know, how is he so bad at this?

7. I can no longer watch the news or movies that have sad storylines involving children. Because I cry like a little bitch baby. Seriously, there was a story on the news tonight about a charity that is doing a coat drive and they were showing the people putting coats on little kids who were standing outside in the cold- apparently previously coatless- and I totally lost my shit.

And now for the things I have learned about Caitlyn:

1. Caitlyn thinks Rodolfo's stern voice is hilarious. Whenever he sounds annoyed about anything she watches him intently and cracks up. This is his punishment from God for being an asshole.

2. She'd rather stand, so please stop trying to sit her down.

3. She doesn't think the pets are an inconvenience, and she regards them with amusement, adoration and just a little too much grabbing of fistfuls of fur.

4. She is a black hole for socks.

5. She has figured out the best way to clear out her teething induced nasal congestion is to scrunch up her nose and snort. It is quite possibly the cutest and funniest thing I have ever seen.

6. She would REALLY love the opportunity to feed herself. Oh, wait, not really. Actually she just wants to knock the entire bowl of cereal out of my hand so the dog can have a treat.

7. She is Baby McGuyver. Today at the doctor's office, I was holding her while talking to the doctor and she was fiddling with my necklace. Then I heard something drop. I looked down and saw my necklace was open and what I had heard dropping was the heart pendant on it. I was sad because it's the necklace my mom gave me shortly after I lost Nicholas, and it has his name on it and a great deal of sentimental value and now it was broken. Or so I thought. When I actually looked at it, I saw that it was NOT broken. My 6 month old daughter unhooked it. How the fuck is that even possible? Apparently she had a paper clip, dental floss and a stick of gum in her diaper. Baby McGuyver!

8. She is just about the greatest thing ever. Seriously. Everyone who meets her thinks she's the most cheerful, hilarious baby they've ever seen. Refer to list 1, point 2.

This is All Bad

I don't know what it is exactly, maybe stress. Work has been crazy, Rodolfo and I have been fighting all the time. So maybe that's why I've been feeling...weird. I lost my Nicholas over a year and a half ago, so most of the time it's not so fresh in my mind. I have moments regularly that I think of him, and I say goodnight to him before bed every day. But the pain has been less intense since Caitlyn has been born.

So I can't quite put my finger on why I keep reliving what happened on the day I found out we lost him and the following day when he was born. I don't think about it constantly or anything, and I can't say I feel depressed exactly, but then something will happen. I'll hear a song that reminds me of that time or I'll look at Caitlyn and think of him and it just hits me with an intensity that I haven't felt in a year.

I still find it shocking. I still can't even fathom that it really happened to me. I think about sitting in the ultrasound room in my old OB's office and hearing her tell me that my son died. I remember the details, I remember how I felt. I remember being so hysterical that I could barely breathe. I remember my doctor telling me that I needed to try to calm down for a few minutes so she could talk to me about what came next. I remember leaving the office that day and realizing that absolutely everyone who was there knew I lost my baby. It occurred to me then that I wasn't sobbing in privacy while my husband and I grieved the loss of our child. I was so loud and so inconsolable that every patient, nurse and receptionist knew that my baby had died.

I remember those days and I feel out of control. I feel like I'm falling apart and my family is falling apart. I feel like everything I love is going to be taken from me and I can't do anything to stop it. When I think of it like that, I really do think this has to do with my marriage. It seems we are at some sort of crossroads. We spent the last 3 years fighting so hard to make it to this point- the supposed "happily ever after" with our beautiful daughter. And now it seems that all we do is fight. We have no common goal to work towards anymore. I hate to think that infertility was the glue holding us together, but now that we are past it we seem to be falling apart.

We both knew long ago that we didn't have much in common. We have opposite personalities- I'm easygoing and fun and he's driven and intense. But I thought we were happy. I've always felt we balanced each other out, but now I'm not so sure. I don't know where we go from here. I just feel lost.