Tuesday, November 2, 2010

This is All Bad

I don't know what it is exactly, maybe stress. Work has been crazy, Rodolfo and I have been fighting all the time. So maybe that's why I've been feeling...weird. I lost my Nicholas over a year and a half ago, so most of the time it's not so fresh in my mind. I have moments regularly that I think of him, and I say goodnight to him before bed every day. But the pain has been less intense since Caitlyn has been born.

So I can't quite put my finger on why I keep reliving what happened on the day I found out we lost him and the following day when he was born. I don't think about it constantly or anything, and I can't say I feel depressed exactly, but then something will happen. I'll hear a song that reminds me of that time or I'll look at Caitlyn and think of him and it just hits me with an intensity that I haven't felt in a year.

I still find it shocking. I still can't even fathom that it really happened to me. I think about sitting in the ultrasound room in my old OB's office and hearing her tell me that my son died. I remember the details, I remember how I felt. I remember being so hysterical that I could barely breathe. I remember my doctor telling me that I needed to try to calm down for a few minutes so she could talk to me about what came next. I remember leaving the office that day and realizing that absolutely everyone who was there knew I lost my baby. It occurred to me then that I wasn't sobbing in privacy while my husband and I grieved the loss of our child. I was so loud and so inconsolable that every patient, nurse and receptionist knew that my baby had died.

I remember those days and I feel out of control. I feel like I'm falling apart and my family is falling apart. I feel like everything I love is going to be taken from me and I can't do anything to stop it. When I think of it like that, I really do think this has to do with my marriage. It seems we are at some sort of crossroads. We spent the last 3 years fighting so hard to make it to this point- the supposed "happily ever after" with our beautiful daughter. And now it seems that all we do is fight. We have no common goal to work towards anymore. I hate to think that infertility was the glue holding us together, but now that we are past it we seem to be falling apart.

We both knew long ago that we didn't have much in common. We have opposite personalities- I'm easygoing and fun and he's driven and intense. But I thought we were happy. I've always felt we balanced each other out, but now I'm not so sure. I don't know where we go from here. I just feel lost.

2 comments:

AKD said...

Oh, honey, I'm so, so sorry. I just don't even have the words. All I can say is that you're amazing, and I'm sure he knows that. Hugs.

Nelly said...

I'm going to comment on this too. I can very much relate to a lot of what you're feeling. I just think that a new baby, especially after such a long road is an adjustment & you guys are still working on it.