PMS Horoscopes

Actual Horoscope
**PMS adjusted horoscope**

Aries (March 21-April 19): You are closely connected to a loved one in ways you cannot explain. You feel the intensity of this bond throughout the day.

**Don’t go to Starbucks today. You will remember how you sometimes drank coffee when you were pregnant and that’s probably why your kid is all hyper now and obviously you are a bad mom.**

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You are careful not to come across in a way that hurts anyone's feelings or offends the more delicate sensibilities of certain people.

**You’ll manage to bite your tongue today when you go to call your husband a “useless douche bag” for the third time.**

Gemini (May 21-June 21): You find meaning as you labor to make someone else's life better. Somehow this is even more satisfying than acting to fulfill your own needs and desires.

**Spite clean the house to a sparkle to remind your husband that he’s the one who never does anything!**

Cancer (June 22-July 22): You could single-handedly organize and coordinate an event that will later be considered one of the most memorable of the year.

**Three words: PIE. EATING. CONTEST.**

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Double back on your efforts, and check your work, as well as the work of your colleagues. Then take a walk and come back to assess things with new eyes.

**Everyone except for you is an incompetent idiot.**

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You will be indifferent to the praise or criticism of others because you realize that no one is as qualified to judge your choices as you are.

**You will hate everyone who talks to you today, whether they deserve it or not.**

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): Your imagination could get the best of you this afternoon.

**I know you think you’ve watched enough CSI to get away with murder, but you haven’t. And besides, he IS the father of your child.**

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): You might make an executive decision to put off some mundane and minor responsibilities in favor of catching some bit of much-needed leisure.

**You did remember to DVR the old episodes of “Grey’s Anatomy” that they play every day on Lifetime, right? Because cooking and cleaning can DEFINITELY wait another 6 or 7 hours.**

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your primary aim is to please your loved ones, but they give you little indication as to how this might be accomplished.

**When your husband has no idea what he wants for dinner and shoots down every suggestion you make, have the following conversation:

You: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU AUTISTIC OR SOMETHING?

Husband: Calm down, you are being irrational and scaring the children.

You: YOUR FACE IS SCARING THE CHILDREN!!!**

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your memory is strong. Make notes about your past. Even if you capture only a sentence or two, you'll be glad you did.

**Make a list of every stupid thing your husband has ever done, every mean thing he has ever said and every failure he has ever had. Create Power Point presentation for future fights.**

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): If you hang on too tight to your responsibilities, you will strangle the fun out of your day. There is a time to let go and get a little bit wild.

**Tact is overrated. Deliberately bump into strangers on the street because GOD can’t they watch where they are going? If you hadn’t bumped into them they would have DEFINITELY bumped into you anyway.**

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): When you see someone who could use a hand, your first reaction is to volunteer whatever help you can give. Be judicious, though.

**Volunteer your hormone-fueled rants at will. Not to your boss though. You don’t want to get fucking fired.**