Monday, May 14, 2012

Where I Try To Be Less Depressing, So I Write About My Biggest Insecurities (I swear it made sense at the time)

A few months back (and by a few months, obviously I mean over a year ago), I set a goal for myself for my 30th birthday that I would be under a certain weight (and no, I most certainly am NOT going to give you a number).

It started off okay. I joined Weight Watchers and lost 15lbs in a couple of months. Then I started to slack a bit and decided joining a gym would be the next logical step to get my ass in line. And I went to the gym pretty regularly, except that it didn't help much because I got REALLY lazy about my eating habits again. Then I got sick, gained back 10lbs and lost all my motivation.

And so here I am, less than a month out from my BIG, SCARY birthday and only about 5lbs away from where I started. I've been trying to get back on track, but it seems I can only manage to get to the gym for a grand total of about an hour a week. I am not going to get anywhere near my original goal.

I'll keep working on it though. Because in addition to the flat-out vanity of the issue, I'm also creeping closer to the age my mom was when she started having heart problems. And I have MS. And I'm going to be single. All signs point to "be less of a fat ass".

I find that when I go to the gym, I have a couple of distinct regimens I rotate between:

The first is the "Burn Fat, You Fatty Fatty Fatass" routine. I usually hit the gym on my lunch break which only gives me about 20 minutes of actual workout time. So I'm usually in this mode, which consists entirely of cardio. I'll jump on an elliptical and stay there until I have to go back to work. The do-only-cardio thing is usually what happens when I'm not being consistent enough about going to the gym.

Second is the "Muscle Burns More Fat than... Fat" routine. There are actually two versions of this one, but the idea is the same. I rotate cardio and weight lifting. The difference is in the weight lifting. My time is limited, so I can't ever do everything I want to do and so I have to choose which weight machines to use. In version one, I decide to make an impact where I think I'll see it the most. This means I focus on my arms and chest mostly. I figure I'll just hide my ass fat and linebacker calves and gut in baggy bottoms while my gloriously toned biceps and extra perky tits take center stage. Because my arms are certainly jiggly, but I do at least see a difference when I focus on them for a while (meaning, mostly that they are LESS jiggly for a while).

Then there is full on "Body Hate" mode. This is the other version of the cardio-weight lifting rotation. This is where I decide to focus on the parts of my body that I hate the most, which are my stomach and thighs. I'll push extra hard on the cardio, then do way more stomach and thigh exercises than is absolutely necessary and I won't be able to walk without aching for a few days. This never lasts long though, because I won't see any real measurable results and so I'll skip the gym for a week or two and go back to doing mostly cardio.

I guess I'm in a little bit of a rut. I need to get serious about the gym again, and, more importantly, about eating right. I tend to let things like parties and weekends and free snacks at work derail the shit out of my goals. I know I can do it, but being in the hospital earlier this year really fucked up my shit. I felt like I couldn't get back into the swing of things until just very recently. Having the goal in mind of my birthday helped to keep me focused at first, and now that I know I won't make it, I feel like I need another placeholder. Something arbitrary even. My goal is 25 or so pounds away. Someone give me an arbitrary deadline to reach that goal.

5 comments:

Nadine Nell said...

This reminds me how I need to go to the gym. My new sneakers are arriving from Zappos today so maybe I will do that.

I'm thinking of switching gyms again too, back to a Lady Gym... I don't know... the Lady Gym is closer to work, and has a pool and spin classes, but is more expensive. But I got a job... so... ugh, guide me, fat friend. Guide me.

Jaclyn said...

Closer to work or home is better and I think it makes it easier to be more consistent. That being said, it's almost summer and you have a pool. And... let's be real here: you aren't going to spin classes. Remember Zumba? So, I think it's smart to find something closer to home or work, but not necessarily the most expensive swim/spin class option.

AKD said...

Yay, you! I need to waddle my can to a gym, or at least use our stationary bike.

HeatherRose said...

Two words: Jillian. Michaels. I've battled body image issues all my life and going to the gym and seeing all the skinny people just makes me feel worse about myself. So instead, a few times a week (supposed to be everyday, but lets be realistic now), I move the damned coffee table out of the way, pull out my yoga mat (also great exercise!) and do her 20 minute routine in the privacy of my own tiny living room/kitchen area. She's a bitch, but she's good.

Mandi E. said...

Okay, I'm a little late here, but here goes:

Getting to the gym is half the battle, even if you're only left with 20 minutes of workout time. Use the lunchtime workouts for weights. Focus on the upper half one day and then the lower half the next to give yourself time to recover. Abs should be done every day, but only work them really hard every 3-4 days.

Save cardio for chasing the kidlet or pushing her around in her stroller after work.

Keep up the good work! It may not feel like much at the time, but you'll start seeing results in time.