Monday, July 16, 2012

Time to Go

It's been a stressful couple of weeks. As you may remember, a couple of months ago, I decided to leave my husband. Since that point, we've had at least 4 or 5 conversations on the matter, most of which revolve around the fact that he would like to make it clear to me that I do not have the right to make this decision. He's called me selfish. He's begged forgiveness. He told me that he had no intentions of leaving the apartment we shared.

I gave it some time. I made it clear that I was not going to change my mind. When he insisted that he wanted to work it out, I pointed out to him that this was happening on my terms and if he really wanted to prove to me that he has changed, that he would need to stop fighting the inevitable. Still, he resisted. What he never seemed to grasp is the fact that the more he resisted, the more convinced he became that he could simply impose his will on me, the more he pushed me to get my ass in gear and leave.

Last week, I found a new apartment. On August 1, I will move on, really, truly and finally. I will be on my own for the first time in my life. And it feels great.

I'm really looking forward to not having to compromise on absolutely everything. I get it. Marriage is about compromise. Anyone who doesn't understand that should never get married. Generally, I'm pretty easy to get along with in that way. I have no problem compromising. With Rodolfo though, every decision down to the tiniest detail, was a power struggle. I could never simply decide anything, whether it was what time I should come home from a friend's house or the color I wanted to paint a wall. Everything was measured for my response. It seemed the more trivial it was, the more he insisted that I consider his "feelings" on the subject. And I mean, really, why does a grown man need to have "feelings" about his 30 year old wife coming home from a party past 11pm?

I spent the weekend bouncing around garage sales with Nadine, making simple decor decisions about my new home without having to consider the fact that Rodolfo doesn't like... let's go with anything. Or at least anything I might like. We found some really cool stuff. And can I say, on that note, why haven't I been doing this garage sale thing forever? I got a brand new box of glasses for $1. My budget will be better for garage sales.

The next 2 weeks are going to be jam-packed. I wasn't necessarily expecting to find a new apartment until September 1, but when you find the right place, you jump on it. I'll be sorting and packing and dealing with the sad reality that I'll need to get rid of most of Caitlyn's baby stuff, because I probably won't actually get around to giving her a sibling, as much as I would like to.

If you don't hear from me for a while, just know I'm super busy being awesome. It's not you guys, it's me!

5 comments:

Gia said...

Congrats on finding a place! Good for you.

AKD said...

Yay, freedom! And time to think, and time with your baby. <3

Anonymous said...

Best of luck! Do what makes you happy!

Chooplah said...

Wow, I remember the SAME thing when I left my husband. He wouldn't move out because he thought we could work it out so after two weeks I had to. Still, whenever he decides to creepily email me he says I moved out "without warning." Husbands be crazy.

Janene said...

If there ever was a moment in your mind that you doubted that what you were doing was the best thing for you AND for Caitlyn, his comments about how you "don't have the right to make this decision" should be your confirmation. You *DO* have the right to make this decision. *YOU* are entitled to be happy, and *YOU* are in charge of *YOU*. No one has the "right" to have control over you, except YOU!

When I moved out, it was the best decision I ever made. I went from being uber sensitive about everything I did and its impact to the person I was living with, to being the person I was before I got married. I got my sparkle back. Yes, there were days that I missed the warm body being around, but y'know, in the end, I'm glad I moved out. I moved on. I don't have to deal with his sadness, or his emotional bs any more. And THAT makes me the happy person I am today.

And just think: by being on your own, you are taking control of your life and your happiness, which is something that Rodolfo took too much pleasure in having control over because he enjoyed the power. You go girl!