Monday, October 1, 2012

Dora and Diego are Pathological Liars. There, I Said It

Here is the problem. I usually blog at work, and work has been extremely busy. Even if you don't figure for the fact that my office moved last week and I've spent the last 6 work days inhaling paint fumes and cancer dust (because no one seemed to think finishing construction prior to our move was important), I've taken on a bunch of new responsibilities too. Responsibilities I'm currently ignoring so I can blog.

The thing is, I would theoretically blog from home. I've even tried it a few times. The way it usually plays out is that I get an idea, sit down at my computer and try to focus just enough so that it's mildly coherent. And then Caitlyn decides she wants to sit on my lap. I can handle that one of two ways: I can ignore her. This always ends with her pawing at me and whining and making me feel like an asshole because GOD, she just wants to sit on her mommy's lap, you fucking monster. And so I always arrive at option two within about 30 seconds, and I put her on my lap. She will then bang on the keyboard, insist we watch Youtube videos of Elmo or decide "I needa PAINT" (because my dad showed her how to use a paint document. And also because she never wants anything anymore. She always "needa".) and screech color choices at me until her masterpiece is complete.

Basically what I'm saying is that unless you want all my blog posts to be paint documents, I can't blog from home (what about when her dad takes her, you might ask next. Yeah. I wonder about that too. I'll let you know when it happens!).

Today I realized that it's been over a month since I posted anything, and yet, I still don't have more than 15 minutes to bang out a real post. It's annoying, actually, because I really do have a backlog of posts in my head. Anyway, consider this a fake post. Leave me lots of comments so I know you haven't all abandoned me.

The other night, a few of my Facebook friends and I decided to call out children's programming for all the lies they are telling our kids. We established the following creepy, weird or just plain outlandish lies our kids may believe based on what Dora and company are telling them (these aren't all me, so thanks to my lovely, funny friends, AKD, Mandy and Jessica):

  • It isn't weird at all when inanimate objects talk
  • 25 year old adults should still be attending school
  • A co-ed group of 25 year old adults can share an apartment and no one is ever going to fuck anyone else (or get drunk)
  • Baby jaguars make GREAT pets and definitely will not maul you at all
  • Salt and pepper shakers are French, and produce cinnamon offspring
  • There's nothing wrong with letting a 6 year old girl wander around completely unsupervised. Even when she's too dumb to get anywhere without a map
  • 6 year olds can read maps
  • All Latino parents don't pay any attention to their children and let them wander through alligator swamps and creepy forests with only a monkey for supervision
  • Chinese children are raised by their grandparents, presumably because their parents are in a factory making Nikes 18 hours a day
  • Little snotty bitch pigs are apparently endearing (there may have also been suggestions about making Olivia in bacon)
  • EVERYONE WANTS YOU TO TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS ALL THE TIME! EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU!
  • All animals speak English and Spanish, regardless of what country or even CONTINENT they are on.
  • "Gazelles are afraid of lions!" (No, gazelles don't want to get their throats ripped out. They  have absolutely no worries that the lion might jump out and say BOO)
  • Medieval knights are selfish and whiny until their pet dragons remind them not to steal things
  • Dino Dan "isn't" a paranoid schizophrenic
  • Captain Hook is a little selfish about treasure, but if you ask nicely, he will totally share it with you. And he gets super butt-hurt if you don't invite him to your parties and shit
  • If you are being mugged, saying the mugger's name 3 times and telling him no will make him snap his fingers and run away
  • David Arquette makes a great parrot, and his career is doing JUST FINE
  • If you put the absolute minimum amount of effort into finding something that has been deliberately taken/hidden from you, it will magically appear in the most obvious place ever
  • Orange backpacks can bend physics and become anything you need them to be
  • And purple backpacks contain anything you could ever need
  • Your friends will just laugh at your whimsy if you have the most retarded ideas on the planet, EVERY SINGLE DAY
  • You need a song for EVERYTHING
  • People won't send you to a special school if you are mildly retarded and constantly step in buckets
  • It's not even a little weird to wear the exact same clothes EVERY SINGLE DAY
  • Or to dress your blue dog in pajamas, and to keep the same pedophilic haircut for 6 years
  • Lance Bass didn't try hard enough to go into space. Pocoyo does that shit all the fucking time and he doesn't have astronaut training OR several million dollars
  • Your friends won't make fun of you for trying and failing miserably
  • Phineas and Ferb are independently wealthy children, or else their parents conveniently ignore the massive credit card debt they accumulate each day
  • "Come inside, it's fun inside" doesn't sound sexual at all, Mickey Mouse
  • Neither does "A bunch of bones inside me" (which I was pretty convinced was "I want your bones inside me" until my sister informed me otherwise... either way, really)
  • Wonder Pets shouldn't die in a fire (really, we couldn't even say anything about how awful they are besides "should die in a fire", which, apparently children don't agree with).
  • Uniqua is a name
  • Uniqua and Tyrone would run with the same... let's say "group of friends" as Pablo
  • UNDERWATER AIRPLANES
  • You can only stalk someone and get away with it if you're voiced by Ashley Tisdale
  • It is both completely normal to have a platypus as a pet and to lose him all the time
  • Three kids on an island can play with child molester-esque men and there are no authority figures except a parrot
  • Toot and Puddle is somehow not scat porn
  • Your toys live inside your boombox, and come alive when you sprinkle magic on them (that's called an acid trip, DJ Lance)
  • Orange spandex onesies are appropriate attire
  • Trains with shifty, haunted painting eyes aren't creepy at all
  • You should totally trust and be friends with people who look like giant butt plugs and dildos
  • You can buy a new car for the bargain price of FREE, as long as you are willing to sing a song while you assemble it (and you can get 50 people to help as long as you give them a ride to the smoothie stand, which is exactly 50 feet away)
  • All the pizza and smoothies are free, and somehow they are both thriving businesses (not to mention the fact that the pizza place is run by someone dumber than Twist)
  • Siblings mostly get along except for minor annoyances
  • Monsters are adorable, fuzzy creatures
  • If someone is bullying you and you tell them they've hurt your feelings, they will be instantly remorseful and apologize
  • You should reiterate absolutely every single thing you say at least 3 times (Seriously, kid. I'm not you. I don't have the attention span of a marble. I got it the FIRST time)
  • Everyone will want to hug and be best buds after every disagreement. No hard feelings EVER
  • Mommies and Daddies are always of the same race and the opposite sex. And happily married, of course
So, what did we miss? What lies are your kids learning?



4 comments:

Gia said...

But but....you DO need a song for everything!!

Blake said...

I do totally agree that you DO need a song for everything.

Don't forget that you can run a repair shop and hardware store and not actually see any money changing hands ever.

Blake said...

I thought of another one...

If an animal is wearing a hat, it's because he's a secret agent.

CJ wanted to listen to P&F on the way home and it popped into my head.

AKD said...

I do so love cartoon humor.