6 Months

Today Caitlyn had her 6 month well baby visit and vaccinations. She was officially 6 months old on the 7th. I can't believe how fast the time has gone. I can't picture my life before she was here but it seems so ridiculous that it's been half a year already. I've learned some stuff about myself since she's been born that surprised me. So here what I didn't expect:

1. I'm not really the nursery rhyme type. I sing Taio Cruz songs to Caitlyn and she loves it. And sometimes I start singing any song that pops into my head to her and I have to remind myself that the lyrics aren't really appropriate to sing to a child -If you're having girl problems, I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one. It's especially funny when I use Caitlyn's name instead of the word bitch- that's how I justify singing Jay-Z songs to my infant.

2. I never thought I'd be the type to get competitive with other moms in a playground bitch sort of way but I totally am. I think my kid is better then everyone else's. Cuter and smarter too. And not just in the obligatory way. I truly believe that she is far more advanced then all the dumb babies around me (did I mention that she said mama at 5 months?). And you can't even get mad at me for it. Because you think your kid is better too.

3. I never thought I'd be so concerned about the color, texture and smell of another person's shit. If you are curious, we are currently at the "brown, sticky, elephant" stage- only recently upgraded from "green, chunky, sour".

4. I am, in fact, the type of person who can get sucked in to feeling guilty about wanting to stop breastfeeding. Before Caitlyn was born, I always thought that breastfeeding moms were a little too intense about being anti-formula and how I wouldn't have any qualms about changing Caitlyn over to formula if breastfeeding got to be too difficult. But that's just not the reality. I feel like a bad mom who is putting convenience over what is best for my child. I feel like I would be giving her artifical crap instead of something natural and healthy. I feel intensely protective of the fact that this should be my decision and I shouldn't feel pressured by anyone else to stop breastfeeding. I feel grateful to our pediatrician for telling me I gave Caitlyn a great start, but also a little sad that he was so quick to throw formula samples at me instead of encouraging me to keep giving her breastmilk. I feel so torn.

5. As a kid, I never understood why my mom saw pets as such an inconvenience. It's because they fucking are an inconvenience. I got shit to do, dog.

6. It was quite shocking to realize I married a baby retard. He's the most logical man I know, how is he so bad at this?

7. I can no longer watch the news or movies that have sad storylines involving children. Because I cry like a little bitch baby. Seriously, there was a story on the news tonight about a charity that is doing a coat drive and they were showing the people putting coats on little kids who were standing outside in the cold- apparently previously coatless- and I totally lost my shit.

And now for the things I have learned about Caitlyn:

1. Caitlyn thinks Rodolfo's stern voice is hilarious. Whenever he sounds annoyed about anything she watches him intently and cracks up. This is his punishment from God for being an asshole.

2. She'd rather stand, so please stop trying to sit her down.

3. She doesn't think the pets are an inconvenience, and she regards them with amusement, adoration and just a little too much grabbing of fistfuls of fur.

4. She is a black hole for socks.

5. She has figured out the best way to clear out her teething induced nasal congestion is to scrunch up her nose and snort. It is quite possibly the cutest and funniest thing I have ever seen.

6. She would REALLY love the opportunity to feed herself. Oh, wait, not really. Actually she just wants to knock the entire bowl of cereal out of my hand so the dog can have a treat.

7. She is Baby McGuyver. Today at the doctor's office, I was holding her while talking to the doctor and she was fiddling with my necklace. Then I heard something drop. I looked down and saw my necklace was open and what I had heard dropping was the heart pendant on it. I was sad because it's the necklace my mom gave me shortly after I lost Nicholas, and it has his name on it and a great deal of sentimental value and now it was broken. Or so I thought. When I actually looked at it, I saw that it was NOT broken. My 6 month old daughter unhooked it. How the fuck is that even possible? Apparently she had a paper clip, dental floss and a stick of gum in her diaper. Baby McGuyver!

8. She is just about the greatest thing ever. Seriously. Everyone who meets her thinks she's the most cheerful, hilarious baby they've ever seen. Refer to list 1, point 2.