Thursday, June 30, 2011

Mommy Fail- The Dog Shit Diaries

Yesterday after work I decided to take my lovely daughter and our dog, Joey for a walk around the block. The weather was warm but not oppressive and we all needed a little exercise, so I leashed up the dog and shoe'd up the baby and off we went.

I'll start by saying that I knew this wouldn't be easy exactly. I'd chosen not to bring the stroller because I thought she would like to walk. Caitlyn is pretty sure in her footing now, so I wasn't so worried about her falling but there were other issues that made it a challenge. Joey can get a little overzealous on his walks and I tend to be THAT woman, with the asshole dog dragging her around the block. And that just doesn't work out so well when you are trying to hold your one-year-old's hand. And did I mention how there aren't any sidewalks on half the streets around my house? Yeah. Complicated. But I knew my daughter would love the fresh air and anything that drains some of her toddler energy is worth the effort on my part.

It started off okay. We walked around the corner and through a sprinkler, which Caitlyn thought was hilarious. Joey got halfway up the first block and took a shit. It was then that I noticed the plastic bag I'd chosen had a bit of a hole in the bottom. Still, I solidered on, doubling the bag over onto itself and being a good dog owner who doesn't leave their dog's shit all over the place.

We were halfway around the block when we hit the first street that has a sidewalk. I thought I could breathe a little easier because I could let go of Caitlyn's hand for a while and not have to worry about her running immediately into oncoming traffic. I could wrangle the dog a little better. I could let her frolic on lawns and shit. And frolic she did. She spent a good 5 minutes running in circles in front of one house while I tried my hardest to corral her back onto the sidewalk.

At one point during Caitlyn's frolicking, the dog started pulling me in the opposite direction. She was safely in the grass and Joey was dragging himself toward the street side of the sidewalk. I finally righted him and he promptly moved toward the lawn and took another shit. Caitlyn was a couple of feet away on the same lawn, so I quickly moved in to scoop up the poop.

As I bent down and took my eyes off of her for just a second, Caitlyn decided that lawn time was over and crossed the sidewalk toward the street. Just as I lifted my head, a bag full of poop in my hand, I saw why she left the lawn. I'd miss something critical when Joey pulled me toward the street. It happened in slow motion from there. She was leaning over, EVER....SOOO.....SLOOOOWLY. She reached out her hand toward her target, her fingertips brushing the treasure she sought. In a mere moment she would have it fully in her grasp, where it would surely go promptly into her mouth. No, I had to stop this. "Nooooooooo", I shouted, abject horror clear in my voice. "Dooooooon't eaaaaaaaaaaaaat the DOOOOOOG SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!".

Like a ninja I grabbed her, shaking loose her grip. She dropped the dog shit back into the grass and looked up at me with confusion in her eyes. I grabbed my plastic bag and quickly scooped up Joey's little gift. That's when a second tragedy befell me. The bag tore. And now we both had shit on our hands.

The second half of our journey around the block was spent with me scolding the dog for...taking a shit I guess? And pushing Caitlyn's hand away from her mouth because she chose that very moment to decide that her fingers were delicious.

We got home where I promptly scrubbed us both clean. Once that was accomplished I could put her down and let her play while I fed Joey. So of course I dropped a piece of dog food which she immediately (ninja genes and all that) grabbed and put in her mouth before I could take it away from her. I guess she wanted to compare the before and after? She was very pissed off when I took it away. She's spent the last 2 months trying to sample that damn dog food.

So that was it- our eventful, disgusting walk around the block. Next time, I'm bringing the damn stroller.


AKD said...

I am shaking with laughter. That is so gross and funny and... Awful.

Lilscorpiosweetie said...

Oh my God.. that is horrible seriously funny. Thanks for sharing.

Jaclyn said...

Yeah. I was thoroughly horrified. I didn't tell my husband cause he would have called the CDC or something.