Thursday, June 16, 2011

Something Strange in the Neighborhood

You remember how in one of the Ghostbusters sequels there was that river of demon slime? I'm pretty sure that happened for real today.

I take 2 trains- the first takes me to a train station just on the NY/NJ border, then I take the PATH train (underground subway type train) across the river into the city. The way it works is that all the PATH trains go between NJ and NY but there are different start and end points. There are trains to 33rd street from 2 different locations and trains to the World Trade Center from 2 separate locations in NJ. So usually, when there is a delay, it involves one line or one station in particular. Unless there is a major technical issue, it's rare to see all the lines having problems.

This morning they were making announcements over the station's PA that there were 15 minute delays across the board from all stations into NY. The reason? A "sick passenger". Really now. Explain to me how a sick passenger creates a problem like that across multiple trains and multiple stations. It doesn't make sense. My theory? Demon slime of course.

I don't doubt that someone got sick, but the circumstances made me wonder what kind of sick would cause that kind of problem. I could only come to one probable answer: the sick passenger in question was projectile vomitting demon slime. And let me tell you, the city of New York did a stellar job of cleaning up that demon slime quickly and efficiently before anyone who isn't as smart as me could ever figure out it was there. Props, NYC, props.

While we are on the subject of trains, can we take a moment to talk shit about one of my fellow commuters? Of course you want to hear about the inane bullshit of my daily life! That's what blogging is for!

So while I was waiting for my demon train this morning, I found myself ducking another passenger. There's this woman. I usually run into her on my way home and I was not about to expend that kind of mental energy at 8:00am. I'm not a morning person. If she'd have seen me, I might have told her to leave me the fuck alone.

It isn't that she's an unpleasant person exactly. It's that she wants to chat every fucking day and I have absolutely nothing to say to her. It's my fault really. The PATH usually does run pretty close to schedule, but in the afternoons I never have more than 3 minutes from the time the PATH pulls into the NJ station to make it to my train home, on the other side of the station. If we are running even 2 minutes late, I can easily miss my train. Often, I'll have to run to make it. So I have the timing down to a science. I know what the cut-off point is for walking as opposed to running and if we leave the NY station past a certain time, I can be absolutely certain I won't make my train.

Lots of people take the PATH, but you can always tell the people who are trying to catch the same train home as me. We all crowd into the first car of the train, the one that's closest to the stairs to give us enough time to haul ass to our train home. Once, while on the PATH I heard a woman comment how she didn't know if she would make her train. All the trains run on the same schedule every day, so I was sure she had to be talking about the same train I take. So I asked her "the 5:25?". She said yes and I informed her that, on that particular day, we were running a bit ahead of schedule and would make the train with time to spare (one of those rare 4 minute days). She was happy to hear that and thanked me. I felt all cool and insider, like I fucking BELONGED working in the city.

Over the next few weeks, I noticed that this woman was frequently on the PATH with me. And every day she would ask me about the time, if we were going to make it. Then she started following me onto our other train and sitting next to me and wanting me to chat with her. Now, I'm not an asshole or anything, but I have a 1 year old at home. I need wind down time. And my little train ride is it. That's my downtime for the day. Still, I'm naturally polite, so I tried to find things to talk about.

She's much older than me. If I had to guess, I'd say she's in her 60s. I figured babies are always a hit with granny types. I talked about my daughter. She wasn't interested. It was obvious to me that she doesn't have any kids. Which is cool, if that's what she chose, but like, fuck dude. If she isn't a grandma, what the fuck else do I have to talk to her about? What do I have in common with this 60 year old woman that makes her think we are besties? NOTHING people. I've got fucking nothing.

Yesterday I made a point of telling her how TIRED I was and tried to nap on the train home. She wasn't having that. She decided to tell me about how her boss is a bitch and treats her like she's incompetent. All I could think was how she didn't seem to be the most perceptive person and that her boss is probably right. Is that mean? Yeah. It's kinda mean. Then she commented on how "slow" that part of the commute felt to her. Yeah bitch, it wouldn't feel so slow to me if I WAS SLEEPING LIKE I WANNA BE!

But I digress. Bitch is annoying. That's all I'm saying. And slime. Fucking slime.


AKD said...

I used to have to fly a lot for work, and I always got creeper old dude sitting next to me wanting to show me his iPod or whatever, like they were just invented. I think we must just look nice, yo.