Saturday, August 27, 2011

I'm FEMA, you guys

Before I had a kid, I was not known for my extreme preparedness in potentially disastrous situations. In fact, my emergency plan consisted of exactly one word: Nothing. Quite literally I did absolutely nothing to prepare, ever. In my defense, I do live in New Jersey. The worst we've seen are a few bad floods, a few bad blizzards and that one black out a few years ago when the whole East coast went dark for a few days. I've never had to evacuate and I've never been stranded without food or running water. Maybe it's just luck, but somehow I've never felt the need to go crazy worrying about something that probably wasn't even going to be that bad.

Until I had a kid.

This is what I did to prepare for Hurricane Irene:
  • Brave the grocery stores and all the crazy people stocking up on water, bread and canned goods. Buy several gallons of water, milk and cheese for Caitlyn, juice, bread and pasta. Then remember that if we don't have running water or electricity, most of the shit I bought will be useless. Awesome.
  • Stock the fuck up on water. How will I wash bottles? Or cook pasta? What if Caitlyn drinks through the 2 giant bottles of juice and gallons of milk I bought? She is gonna be OMGSOTHIRSTY!!! Relying on the 2 gallons and full case of 20oz bottles of water to supplement the juice and milk just seems risky. I know, I'll fill every pot and bowl and pitcher I own with tap water! (Yes, I really did this).
  • Bake brownies. For when the electricity and gas go out for days and I can't cook pasta or salvage frozen foods or make grilled cheese sandwiches. I heard they give astronauts and Navy SEALS Duncan Hines brownies for unforeseen emergencies.
  • Charge my phone. Because I am the most prepared person you will ever see. How the fuck am I supposed to update Twitter and Facebook if the electricity go out? Thank the good Lord above that I now have internets on my phone. God works in mysterious ways, you know.
  • Have zero activities planned to amuse my toddler, who will be stuck in the house for countless days or weeks or months on end. I can't believe the mall is closing for Stormpocalypse. What the hell am I supposed to do to keep this kid entertained? On a related note, I'm fucked when winter comes.
I'm fairly certain that I'm at least 10 steps ahead of where I'd be if I didn't have Caitlyn, but I still feel like the most incompetent and unprepared individual ever. You might say I'm a Katrina-era FEMA. Yeah, I think that explains it perfectly. Maybe I should stop making fun of the people who stock up on batteries and candles and... umm... HAVE some batteries next time? Yeah. We are going to be in the fucking DARK if we lose power.


AKD said...

You did a good job - um, remarkable for someone who has had zero natural disasters. So you hope this is the last one!

Nadine said...

this is why i called you yesterday or some day to see if you were getting ready... because i know you and "domestic preparedness" is not in your arsenal.

though i am not much more prepared since I AM OUT OF BROWNIES. SOMEONE SEND HELP.

Jaclyn said...

Isn't it funny that for both of us, somehow preparedness=brownies.

Paula said...

I stocked up on cake, milk and beer for the storm. Luckily nothing happened because we ran out of all 3 things by the 1st night! :)

Jaclyn said...

Yeah, my emergency brownies didn't make it past the first day either :)