Tuesday, August 2, 2011

You Know What I Hate?

Bumper stickers. Really. Why do bumper stickers exist? I don't care about anything you have to say about your personal philosophies via paper glued to the back of your car. Freedom of speech is one thing, but when you cut me off in traffic and I see that you supported Bush in the 2004 elections, it makes me seriously want to rear end you even more. Let's get down with it and break down the different types of bumper stickers and why my hate for them is completely justified.

I hate everything about you

1. I love my (fill in the breed of dog you have)- Just... no one cares. I mean, you couldn't provide me with a more trivial piece of information about yourself if you tried. If you had a bumper sticker that declared you were allergic to bees, it would piss me off less. I have a dog and I LOVE my dog. But NO1CURR what breed he is and the relevance of the fact that I have a dog is lost to other drivers, unless I happened to have a dog who was prone to jumping out of the car onto the highway. Then maybe I'd get a bumper sticker to announce that shit.

2. Jesus will save you - embrace Christ, UR 4 GIVEN. Is Jesus going to save me from a ticket if I run this red light? Is he going to save me from your lawyer when I scrape off that sticker with MY bumper? Also? When I'm trying to squeeze into the only available parking spot and your Jesus-lovin' ass parked all up on MY side of the line AND your bumper sticker declares that we should "Put the Christ back in Christmas" and it's fucking JULY??? Everything about that scenario makes me hate you, but also possibly Jesus. Because the least he could have done was given you some parking skills in exchange for your extreme devotion. (I should also point out that any religious-like devotion to any politician for any reason, ever, also falls into the Jesus will save you category).

3. OMGZZZZZ Radio station! - I think this is another one that falls into the category of I just don't give a shit. Also? They lured you into Best Buy with their stupid promotion because you can "win $100 if we spot you with our sticker". If you are over the age of 21 this is unacceptable. Find better things to do with your time then wandering into the mall to get radio station bumper stickers.

4. I have hobbies and I'm going to make them sound sexy- This is one of the worst, if you ask me. The fact that you have 900 shitty hobbies apparently isn't bad enough. And clearly, socializing with the other humans isn't going to be on that list, so you try to make yourself sound desirable by making your stupid past times sound sexy. You know what else they say about divers? That they pee in their wetsuits. So yeah, what's sexy about that? Nothing. Unless you are into that sort of thing. I bet you like being pooped on too, creepy bodily fluids diver man.

5. Here is going to be where I lose some of you. The thing I hate more than anything are those stupid ribbon magnets that everyone puts on their car. Fucking ribbons. It started with "support the troops". And in theory, I do. And maybe at first some part of the profit from their sale was going to support the troops in some way. But then it was AIDS and breast cancer and autism. And I guess at least those are legit causes to support, even if the companies that make all those stupid magnets are certainly not donating ANYTHING to any of these causes, I GUESS I can concede that I understand why someone might buy one. I guess. But now its all just spiraled into ridiculousness. You can ribbon-magnet support anything. Local football teams and Welsh Corgies, as it were (and when I see THAT, I get double pissed off). You can have your own "support" magnets custom printed. My point is that you aren't supporting anything but a factory in China. Fuck ribbon magnets.

Back when we were in our early 20s, Nadine created a little game for herself with the ribbon magnets. At first it was just "steal a bunch of ribbon magnets off of people's cars". But then she realized she needed to diversify. She would covet certain hard-to-find magnets. She would scour mall parking lots for ones she didn't have. She had quite a collection at one point. I don't think either of us knows what ended up happening to all those magnets, but now when I see a ribbon magnet, I think of her. It was good times and the only time I've ever seen those stupid magnets have any real purpose.

So in conclusion, don't have bumper stickers.


Nadine said...

I also hate those stickers that are round circles with an abbreviation in the middle for places they've been like "OBX" for outer banks. NO1CURR where your last vacation was. What's worse is when you can't even figure out what the fuck the abbreviation stands for. Why do you have a bumper sticker for Ireland, did you drive to Ireland in your magic scuba car in a wet suit that you probably peed inside?

I hate the little decals of the stick figure families too. It's so fucking dumb.

AKD said...

I actually don't like the ribbon magnets, either. Not even really the troops ones, because they were so self-serving. The troops couldn't see them.

As a former cancer patient, I Aldo REALLY hated those Lance Armstrong Live Strong bracelets. The douche couldn't find a way to help cancer other than sticking his brand on trendy morons' wrists?

Jaclyn said...

EXACTLY Angie! Like, gee thanks Lance Armstrong for that dollar of someone else's money and this shitty yellow rubber band.

I didn't know you had cancer... can I be nosy and ask if that was what caused your infertility? Rodolfo had thyroid cancer but our doctors were all adamant that that didn't cause his ball problems.

AKD said...

I definitely already had PCOS before my cancer, and they SAY the radiation didn't make it worse, but that is a lot of crap to put into our bodies, you know?

Wendy Starr said...

If you asked me 5 years ago about bumper stickers I would have not given a flying fuck. Now after living in Gainesville? I hate them ever so much. Every single car that isn't mine has a fucking gators sticker on it. WHY do these people care enough about football going on at a college that they did not and will not ever attend, that they have to stick the logo on everything they own??

Oh and you left out the newest and worst offenders since the ribbon bullshit - the stick figure family! I can't believe you didn't mention them. I see them all the time and loathe them. I know you must see them too.

Jaclyn said...

Yes Wendy, Nadine mentioned those too. I guess I don't have an adequate amount of hate for them yet, but it's definitely building up. You should find out who the Gators rivals are and get their sticker for your car. Piss some motherfuckers off.

The Potter Family said...

Came across your blog from livejournal, I was in the tryingforbaby community as well. I Find your blog amusing! I also hate all bumper stickers mainly because why the hell do you want to make your car look ugly?

The way I feel is that teenagers could probably get away with bumperstickers and use them on their first used car or something.
I also dispise the stick figure families as well. Maybe its just me but i feel like it broadcasts how many kids you have and where the pedo's can find them.

Jaclyn said...

@the potter family. I'm glad you are enjoying the blog! TTC is such a bitch. I hope everything is going well for you. I have insights and shit if you ever want to talk!

Steve D said...

I have a gray ribbon for fighting color blindness.

Jaclyn said...

That sounds fancy Steve. I want them to make ones for fighting gray hairs. They can be like those creepy fake hair swatches in the drug store, except ribbons.