Monday, October 10, 2011

Doggie Style

So I know what you are thinking. You saw the title of this blog post and you thought "Ok, I'm in for a cute anecdote about her kid and her playful little pooch again". Because what else could it be? This is a FAMILY blog (please disregard how often I say the word fuck, as it is not relevant to this all being very family-oriented). Well, you would be very wrong.

Let me set the scene for you:

Nadine invited us over for dinner last night. Spaghetti and meatballs. Which means Caitlyn was eating shirtless so as to not ruin another outfit. This was not unusual in any way. Until Caitlyn started tickling herself. On her nipples. With her meatball. Yeah, meatball tickles. In any case, we laughed at her oddness and finished up dinner, then went over to the couch to watch some TV.

Now let me explain something about TV watching at my house. If you come to my house on any given day, at any given time, you will find my TV is set to one of two things. The first, naturally, is Nick Jr. Because I have a fucking one year old. The second is NFL Network. Because I have a fucking husband. Mommy never has any say over what we are watching is what I'm getting at here.

Watching TV at Nadine's house was a nice change. We were watching comedies made for grown-ups on basic cable. We were not watching HBO or anything like that. So imagine my surprise when they aired a commercial for a fancy new dildo Trojan has come out with. Trojan Twister I believe was the name (not that I was making a note of it or anything. Because you know what they don't tell you about parenthood? That you don't even have the time or energy to masturbate anymore. That is just SAD).

The commercial for the Trojan Twister was, not surprisingly, ridiculous. It was on a basic cable network which means they can't just show you the dildo so you can decide whether or not you want to put it in your vagina. So a lot is implied.

There were two housewives, standing in the street next to a mailbox, marveling at the box for the new Trojan Twister. Yup. That's right. One woman ordered a new vibrator and was discussing it in animated excitement with her neighbor. "It'll blow your hair back!", she exclaims, obviously aroused by the thought. Just then, we see a couple from the neighborhood pass by the two women, neither of whom are shamefully hiding the dildo from them. As the woman in the couple passes the camera, we are able to see that her hair is "blown back". Because presumably, she was the one to recommend this dildo to her entire block. And look at that! She is walking with a MAN. Because you don't need to be a desperate spinster to buy an awesome new dildo!

Cut to a shot of the dildo box again. Now it's time for the hard sell (pun intended, motherfuckers). What kind of features does this magic stick have? Well, I'm glad you asked! With the Trojan Twister, you can expect all KINDS of features! Not interested in blowing your husband? No worries! The Trojan Twister will do it for you! Additionally, you can expect:


  • 3 Speeds! (Regular: for all those single ladies leisurely masturbating in the tub because they don't have children to attend to. Quickie: Because at least the Twister won't ask if it can come in your mouth, and Premature Ejaculator: AKA The Dead Battery. Because wouldn't you rather just go to sleep anyway?)

  • 4 Unique Positions! I was on board, Trojan Twister. Really I was. Until this. Unique positions? Is it a transformer? Does it turn into a saddle? What kind of positions could this dildo possibly offer?

Which is why I said it. "Unique positions? What is the dildo going to fuck you doggie style?". At which point, my lovely daughter parroted back at me "doggie style". Oh. My. God. They are going to take away my mommy license.

6 comments:

Nadine said...

You forgot to mention when she took off her diaper and was grinding her asscrack against the doorknob on the entertainment center.

You forgot to mention when she took off her diaper and stood in front of us slapping her vagina saying "tickle tickle."

I really feel awkward sometimes, like it's funny, but I'm pretty sure Chris Hansen is going to come and have a chat with me at any second over some Mike's Hard Lemonade and cookies.

Jaclyn said...

Poor kid is NEVER going to live that shit down.

mistyslaws said...

Yeah, I've learned that when they can start to parrot, it's time to mumble that shit under your breath. If it makes you feel better, that knowledge still didn't stop me from saying in the car yesterday, loud and clear "oh, that's the Fucker that's holding everyone up," while my kids were in the backseat. And only the 3 year old had his headphones on. So, I'm waiting for the 6 year old to incorporate that phrase in one of his school essays any day now. I'm an excellent parent. Any day now, that pulitzer for superior parenting will be heading my way.

AKD said...

I don't know if I laughed harder at this post or Nadine's comment. Clearly the duct tape has not worked.

AbsoluteMommy said...

This is funny shit! I've seen a commercial similar to that on cable. And yes, I think that it is a transformer. As long as it doesn't have a face on it. Yes, I seriously just said a FACE ON IT. Why? Well at my "naughty" bachelorette party I was given a beautiful purple dildo with, you guessed right, a smiling face on the end. NICE!
As for the "parrot" in the room. In passing one day I called my husband a "douche", at the time my Caitlin said things like "ba" "mama" and "da". Suddenly she was roaming the house shouting "douche".
You have to fuck up way worse than doggie style to get that mom card revoked... Just saying!
Love ya!
Megan
PS: I'm still laughing at Nadine! and the word verification is "buning" hmmm

Jaclyn said...

@Misty- I'm seriously just waiting for the day Caitlyn says fuck. It is inevitable.

@Angie- all that shit really happened. It's going to take some work to keep her off the pole.

@Megan- That's what happened when Caitlyn started saying "asshole". She STILL says it but she still won't say mommy EVER.