Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Uninspired Bullshit. My Apologies

So I didn't have anything in particular in mind for this blog post. I started typing away though, about the first things that came to my mind. What I came up with was the side effects of the flu shot I had last week (diarrhea if you are wondering... about my asshole. Again.) and the fact that I owe money to my cell phone company. My life is super exciting and interesting and totally ripe for awesome anecdotes about how T-mobile will double your bill if you don't pay them on time.

Oh wait. I deleted all that shit. Because no one gives a fuck about my late cell phone bill payments. So what do I have then? Maybe there's something I'm annoyed about that I could go on a little tangent about? I suppose there's always something.

Ok. Work stuff then. I'm a receptionist. Which basically means I sit around all day answering phones and receiving deliveries and blogging and shit. Exciting. Today is some bitch's birthday. And she just got married in June so her husband hasn't turned into an asshole who ignores her all the time. Yet. And he sent her flowers. And they are still at my desk as of now. And every retard who passes asks who they are for. The answer is always "NOT YOU". One guy just asked me and I was like "they are for Emily (translation: NOT YOU)" and he was like "the one who works in the Pennsylvania office?". Hmm... I guess it COULD be, but there are, in fact TWO Emily's who work in OUR office sooo... maybe you are just retarded?

Fuck. Is that all I have? I guess I could talk about my stupid marriage (not that that last paragraph made me sound bitter or anything!). Ummm... don't get married? That's all I've got really. I used to work in retail with a bunch of teenagers and people in their early 20s in college. And they would be all "Jaclyn, I love my boyfriend SO MUCH. I'm going to marry him!". And then I would be all "don't get married". And they would be all "why not?". And I would be all "because it's fucking terrible. Be a whore and fuck a bunch of dudes instead".

I know! Maybe I could talk about MY KID! Since this is (allegedly) a parenting blog and all. Do you guys want to hear more about how she's teething and doesn't want to eat or sleep? Maybe I'm beating a dead horse on that one... or you know, a dead pony? Because it's about my baby? Maybe not.

Oh, I know. Let's talk about my fat ass. Or, more specifically Operation: Make My Ass Less Fat (sounds official, right?). It's going wonderfully. I haven't been to the gym since last Friday because every time I went last week I ended up having to get off the elliptical after 10 minutes because I was about to shit my pants. Fucking flu shot. And then there are the cupcakes. In my opinion, it's important to eat ALL the cupcakes at once so as to not have them lying around the house, tempting me to ruin my diet. Also, my boss gave me a huge bag of Hershey Kisses to "fill the candy dish" at my desk. Don't ask me how many I've had.

In conclusion, this post has been sitting in my drafts for 2 days, as I hoped for some sort of inspiration for a less shitty post and didn't have to make you guys read this as it is complete and utter uninspired bullshit. You're welcome is basically what I'm saying here. YOU. ARE. WELCOME. I'm going to a baptism tomorrow so I'm hoping that will provide me some incredibly offensive blogging material.


Mandi E. said...

Hey, we all have bad days. Some of us actually post some funny stuff as a result of them. And some days are just so shitty that they suck the funny/witty/clever right out of you. That doesn't mean that people don't want to hear it. Not everything has to be a well-worded work of literary genius.(But it does help with readership.)

Also, my verification word is "punis." Is that like a penis that spews puns instead of semen?

AKD said...

Alice is currently working on three molars, possibly has strep, and has her first ear infection. I think we are being tortured.

Front Desk Ninja said...

I'm in the middle of a ten day stretch at work, my mom and I are fighting (and not just your average run of the mill teen angst nonsense), oh, and I got to work today, was PRODUCTIVE FOR ONCE THANK YOU, and was rewarded with a room flooding so badly that after I chug this rootbeer and slap myself/wake up, I get to mop carpet for the next ... 4 hours.

I really think in everyone's situation, topless rum/vodka shots are in order. Fuck responsibility and go crazy.

Or, y'know. Not.

(p.s. I love you. In a non creepy way.)

Jaclyn said...

@Mandi- For some reason I read that as "a penis that spews pus" instead of "puns".

@Angie- It always seems to happen like that! Everything comes down at once. Caitlyn cut like 5 teeth in the last 3 days. I hope Alice feels better soon!

@FDN- I'm totally fine with your love, creepy or not :)

AbsoluteMommy said...

We all have a cold in this house which is translation that everyone else is sick EXCEPT MOM! What the fuck is that about??? I feel your pain. I was a receptionist once and people really have shit for brains and will tell a receptionist anything (pictures of a colonoscopy anyone? no? just me?).
Look on the bright side that baptism should bring you joy, as Catholics are perfect fodder for the perverse... I should know, I'm one of them... Correction, I'm a Christmas/Easter Catholic...