Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Rodolfo and the Art of Vagina Maintenance

When Caitlyn first started taking off her diaper, about half the time there would be pee in the diaper and half the time she would take it off explicitly for the purpose of pissing on my floor. Then, for a long time she was taking off mostly wet diapers. And she was really on top of that. She would drop a diaper and the pee would still be hot. Then, in the last few days she has gone back to pissing on my floor again.

None of that is particularly relevant. The point is that usually when Caitlyn takes off a diaper, it is because of pee. I find it funny, how offensive she seems to find the idea of sitting in pee for even a minute, yet she will sit in a shitty diaper for as long as it takes me to notice. I mean, in all honestly that isn't usually very long. Because her shits smell like a dump truck filled with decomposing bodies. Still, when it's time to change poop, Caitlyn always tries to run away. She is one with her shitty diaper. Usually.

The other day though, she decided to take off her shitty diaper. Bare-assed Caitlyn isn't an unusual sight, so I didn't react immediately. Then the smell hit me and I realized she was walking around my living room, brushing up against my furniture and sitting on my rug all while her ass was covered in shit.

Naturally, I called for reinforcements. Rodolfo quickly grabbed her so she couldn't run away while I found the wipes. She was still in the air, squirming her way out of her dad's arms, and it was my responsibility to clean her ass. I went straight for the problem area, obviously. Because it wasn't her vagina that had shit on it.

This is when Rodolfo stopped me. He wanted to know what I was doing. "You're supposed to wipe her front to back!", he exclaimed. Wow. I very nearly screwed that one right up! It isn't as though I've always had a vagina or anything. It's a good thing I had him there to offer his expertise on vagina maintenance. Summer's Eve ass motherfucker.

I'm a lady. And I do not do the whole "front-to-back" bullshit. It seems to me this is something we tell little girls so as to delicately explain the concept that they should not smear shit into their vaginas. So I understand why my husband might think that's actually how ladies wipe. But I've got to say, in practice, I just do not have the coordination. I find myself clearing the back end first, then switching up my TP and cleaning up the front. It is just me? Am I the only fucking weirdo on the planet who doesn't do the whole front-to-back thing? Because I'm pretty sure it's a myth perpetuated by douche companies to make you feel dirty.

Divide and conquer. That's what I say.


Mandi E. said...

Hah! Tell that bitch that just because he is a big, blubbering vagina that it's not the same as having one.

Gia said...

Ooof. Kids and poo. Ick. When I learned that you have to clean poo out of babies vaginas sometimes, I lost my shit. Ick.

(I do front to back. Don't want no UTI)

Mother Knows Best Reviews said...

I do back, change up, front. I don't touch buttonhole at all, so no UTI. For some reason, it makes sense to me to take care of downtown first, then clean up the suburbs.

Front Desk Ninja said...

What AKD said.

BNo said...

The best way to clean orrifices is to start at the cleanest location (I.e. The urethra) and move towards the dirtiest area (I.e. Anus). Even if you haven't pooped there is still bacteria circulating that could cause a UTI. Some people are really lucky and will never get a UTI. This is because each woman's specific anatomy can differ ever so slightly. Urethras can open out right at the entrance of the vulva or they can set back further into the vulva, thus guarded. Therefore, back to front is the way to go. I know. Just the info you were looking for, right?