Friday, March 2, 2012

The Sickest Man Ever

You know how sometimes you get a cold and feel shitty for a few days but, despite your stuffed up nose and sinus headache, you realize you are not, in fact, dying?

If you are a man, and you just read that, I'm pretty sure your first thought was "on the contrary, Jaclyn. In fact I did nearly die". But lets be real here. Very few dudes read my blog, so lets talk some shit about what a bunch of pussies they are.

I'll start at the beginning. I picked up a cold from my mom last weekend. It started with some body aches, but within a day or two, it was mostly just in my head. I had a sinus headache and a runny nose and was sneezing every 8 seconds or so. Which was annoying, but I certainly did not claim to be on the brink of death. To make matters worse, Caitlyn picked up a stomach virus at the same time. On the bright side, at least I couldn't smell her diarrhea and vomit.

Rodolfo was unsympathetic. In fact, I got an attitude when I told him that no, I could not give him a blow job while unable to breathe through my nose. It was the first tragedy to befall him this week. The second was when he caught my cold.

Last night I started to feel better. My sinuses were clearing up and Caitlyn's orifices stopped exploding. We were both getting back to normal. Then it happened. Rodolfo announced that he was officially sick.

His top concern when I am sick is when he will catch it, so he usually spends most of that time asking me not to cough near him, refusing to kiss me and dramatically announcing that he thinks he is getting sick at least twice a day. Then the tide will turn, as it did last night, and he will start listing his symptoms. Are you wondering what they are? Let me break it down for you:

1. He is so cold. SO COLD. Am I sure it isn't like, 60 degrees in the house? Because he's really fucking cold. So cold, in fact, that it reminds me of that scene in the movie "Point Break" when the one guy got shot and Keanu Reeves is all "You're cold because all the blood is draining from your body. You're going to be dead soon. I hope it was worth it". And it makes me wonder if Rodolfo thinks our marriage was worth it, worth this painful and tragic end he is facing. I suspect not. In any case, he throws on a hoodie, wraps himself in a blanket and reminds me every 3 minutes that he is still extremely cold.

2. He thinks he is going to vomit. I'd like to point out that he never actually does. "I think I'm going to vomit" is a progress report, in case you are wondering. It starts with "my stomach hurts" then progresses to "my stomach really hurts" and "my god my stomach is really bothering me" and "seriously, Jaclyn, I'm so sick. My stomach is killing me" and finally culminates in "I think I'm going to vomit". Thanks for the constant updates on your intestines!

3. Body aches. Also known as "owww... my legs. Why do my legs hurt so much?". When you imagine him saying it, it needs to be in the same tone he would say something like "God, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME???". His legs hurt all night. I know this because when I'm awoken repeatedly by his desperate whimpering, he reiterates his awful pain.

4. Oh yeah, he's sneezing and shit too. It isn't necessarily relevant to this particular post, but I had to teach him sneezing manners. Because he has this disgusting habit of just turning his head and sneezing (and he's a multiple sneezer) into the air without covering his mouth. I would constantly tell him how fucking nasty and rude that is and it finally stuck.

The most aggravating thing about him being sick though, is that, while he reminds me repeatedly how it's my fault he got sick, he is also adamant that I don't understand how shitty he feels. "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, JACLYN. I'M REALLY SICK". I can't tell you how often he says that. Probably at least as often as I tell him he's being a pussy. But really, the idea that I got him sick, yet have no idea how sick he is... well, it's kind of contradictory, don't you think? He doesn't get that. He has it worse. I got the easy version of whatever he has. Oh, and he never EVER has a cold. It's always the flu. Even if the symptoms are 100% quarantined to his sinuses. Nope. Still not a cold. It's sinus flu death for Rodolfo.

And then I have to compare. Because it wasn't just us. Caitlyn was sick too. She had her moments of being whiny when her tummy was hurting and she certainly wasn't 100% herself, but she complained less than her dad. Caitlyn, who vomitted a half a dozen times and had explosive diarrhea for 3 days straight. Caitlyn who is not yet 2 years old, smiled through it when she wasn't actively spewing fluids, as opposed to her 38 year old father who thought he was going to die on the couch because he was SUPER cold.

It makes me wonder what boy toddlers do when they are sick. My only theory is that they crawl back into your uterus and refuse to come out until they can be reborn into a world without germs. And you know what? I bet his mom would complain less about rebirthing a toddler than Rodolfo did about his cold.


Misty said...

Nope, not boys. Just men. My boys get sick and act exactly like your girl. I'm not sure exactly when it progresses from kid I'm fine sick, to men IMMA DIE sick. Maybe when they turn 18? I hope so, because at that point, it's someone else's problem!

Selena said...

OH MY GOD!!! I have a crap immune system so I tend to get every cold that comes around. There have been some that have seriously knocked me on my ass. I tend to sneeze CONTINUALLY for hours at a time. And that shit tires you out! But I am told, "It's just a cold...go to work."

HOWEVER, When BEN gets a cold, first off, you can't even tell he has a cold. He will lay on the couch just making whimpering noises and I will have to ask him repeatedly what is wrong with him before he finally answers, "I am dying of the flu." And I will feel his head, look for wadded up tissues, listen for coughing-ANY indication that he is actually sick. He will then confess that his itchy throat and little sniffle are the clear indications of the plague that is going to destroy the human race. I have offered on several occasions to just put him out of his fucking misery.

HOWEVER, he has also been known to go out with the boys, get completely shit faced and come home and vomit for 6 hours and he's up and about like nothting ever happened the next morning. I seriously don't get it.

Mother Knows Best Reviews said...

All three of us have a cold right now? Guess who is by far the sickest?

Heather Rose said...

Strangly, my fiance almost never gets sick. But when he does, he has this ridiculous aversion to anything even remotely medicine-like. At the first sign of a cold, I start alternating DayQuil and NyQuil until I reach that perfect state of conscious-but-not-really-awake until its over. I have to force feed him anything stronger than chicken soup.

Mandy said...

I'm with Misty...CJ is a trooper when he's sick. Blake...not so much.