Sunday, January 15, 2012

God's Radioactive Ballsack

I've written about it here before. My hatred. For ribbon magnets.

It occurs to me now that I could be the fucking queen of them. All the diseases. I possess them in some way. Some connection. I could go all the way with the magnets. I could support so many Chinese factory workers.

Because I refuse to make another whiny post (at least before I go to the doctor tomorrow, and have fresh things to whine about), I will list for you, the magnets I could have. You're welcome:

M.S.- It's important for me to know what color this magnet would be. Does anyone know? Because if I'm absolutely certain of anything, it is that there is already one in existence. So what color? Because I've decided that the best way to deal with this diagnosis, to throw all my support behind this disease, is to wear it's representative color, head-to-toe. I need to know what color underwear I need to throw away, so someone get me this information as soon as possible, please.

Cancer- Ok. There are lots of cancers. Breast. Ball. Et cetera. But maybe we can just lump them all together and say "cancer is bad, let's beat cancer". Can I get a "cancer is bad" magnet? Because I would be all over that shit. And can we not make it pink? I know I have tits and a vagina, so I should be all about the lady cancers, but my personal experience is with Rodolfo's cancer, thyroid. And I'm pretty sure the color of that magnet should be "scar"... which is a brownish color in case you are wondering.

AIDS- I know this one is red. I can't say I've been personally effected by it, luckily. But everyone hates AIDS, man. And I do like red.

Besides these three big hitters, I could own the magnet game with specific diseases. My mother has heart disease. I have friends whose children have ADHD and Autism. My one sister-in-law has Lupus. The other one has kidney disease. They even make ribbon magnets to support stillbirth research and miscarriage. I could get on all those things. People would think I was mocking the magnets, I would have so many. The problem is that they would be right.

I came to this conclusion simply. I briefly considered which magnets I could not, in good conscience, have on my car. Naturally, I started thinking about the ones that are supposed to be jokes, to support weed and pimping.

And then I realized something else. MS? It's one of the few diseases where medical marijuana is actually considered a sanctioned treatment. I could support weed in all seriousness and people would have to look the other way. Even feel bad for me and shit.

I feel I need to tell you something about myself, though. I'm a bit of a freak. Or maybe it just seems that way to me because I grew up ghetto-adjacent and I might just be the only one in a 200 mile radius. So here it is:

I've never gotten high. In all seriousness, like ever. I've been in situations. I've had the opportunity. In fact, all I would have had to do would have been to stay in a room where some shit was going down and I probably would have caught some sort of buzz. But I always walked out. Because, okay, is it just me? Weed smells like shit.

I mean, that realization came later for me, if I'm being honest. Because during the sunrise of my adolescence, I was convinced that people didn't do drugs. Well, unless they were drug addicts, of course. I was truly and thoroughly horrified a few years later, to find out how many people I knew that I would classify as drug addicts.

A boy I liked and his pre-law friend gave me a good talking-to at a party once (where, coincidentally, I didn't see anything wrong with getting so drunk that I was still hammered at work the next day) about the actual criminalization of marijuana and how it isn't actually that bad or unsafe as a lot of things that are currently perfectly legal. And they mostly convinced me. Except that I still wouldn't do it because I find it so fucking disgusting.

And now I'm wondering about all the potheads I know who don't have MS. Fuckers.

I've also considered blaming all this on God's radioactive spunk. Basically I've decided that New Jersey is the epicenter of Jesus' Chernobyl ballsack and living here made neurological decline an inevitability.

And now I'm wondering one other thing: Was this even funny the FIRST time I wrote about it? I don't know, but I suspect it was not. Cut me some slack people. Holes in my brain and shit.

9 comments:

Gia said...

pooor new jersey

AKD said...

I guarantee this is the first time I have ever read a blog with that title, yo.

Front Desk Ninja said...

I totally laughed.
and then I researched for you, without checking to see if others already answered that shit.
Heads up. They didn't.
According to http://www.craftsnscraps.com/jewelry/ribbons.html
The MS ribbon colour is.....
Orange.

You could rock Orange like a BAMF.

I did not know they had a ribbon to support miscarriage/stillborn research....

Learn something new everyday.
Also,
I love our WWF games. It's intense.

Front Desk Ninja said...

Lavender is a general cancer awareness ribbon.

Yeah, I just read the entire site.
it's pretty informative.
word up.

wagthedad said...

You rock. It's not radiation, though; it's plastic.

Plastic is what the world wanted from us. It's why it let us evolve. And now it's going to kill us off with it. Like Carlin said, it's going to shake us off like a bad case of the fleas.

Not to poke fun at your topic. I have, however, never owned a ribbon magnet or any kind of ribbon sticker or anything like that. I'm like Kramer from Seinfeld who gets the shit kicked out of him by an angry mob at the AIDS run for refusing to wear the ribbon.

I have nothing against them. I just have nothing for them, either.

On a side note: a girl at my former high school got a detention for wearing one of those breast cancer wristbands that say something like "For the boobies" or something. Deemed inappropriate. Kudos to my former high school for still creating indifferent bastards who are supposed to function as democratic citizens.

And I just found out that I have Eppstein Barr. Unsure what that means, but reading about it scares the shit out of me.

So I guess I'm in the club. Herpes, too. Mouth, not sack. But still.

Nadine said...

If only I still had my massive collection of stolen ribbon magnets... we could plaster your car with them all.

Being that the whole of NJ is basically one massive superfund site, and that our very neighborhoods growing up are currently being investigated with men in haz-mat suits, it's safe to say that we were destined to get some kind of fucked up disease. I can't wait to see which one I get!

Jaclyn said...

@Gia- There are a few advantages. Our poop glows in the dark. Little known fact. Don't tell anyone or one of the guys from Sopranos will whack me.

@Angie- Obviously, I'm here to keep it fresh.

@FDN- I was actually super pissed when you beat me. Super pissed. What the fuck could she have in her pocket, I wondered. Even if she has good letters, what could she possibly do with them? I very nearly unfriended you when I saw it :) Also, I will start rocking orange panties on the regular now. Thanks for the heads-up.

@WTD- Nadine and I used to steal the magnets off of people's cars for funsies back in our youth. Yeah. That was like, the height of the magnet craze. I bet we pissed some motherfuckers off. I really do hate them though. Because the only thing you are actually supporting is Chinese factory workers. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I don't have a problem with that, but don't pretend like any portion of the proceeds of any of this shit is going to anyone besides Kai-Lan and crew.

Jaclyn said...

@WTD- Oh, and that Epstein-Barr. I heard it's a real bitch and pretty much responsible for everything. It's like the sperm in God's ballsack. The amorphous ones (those are the super googly, non-specifically deformed motherfuckers. Yeah. We had lots of those).

Selena-Because Motherhood Sucks said...

HAHAHAHA!!! I just found your blog by following a link on a friend's blog to another blog and then another blog and then another had yours.

Is there a magnet for Halitosis? Because I believe halitosis is the secret cause of global climate change. And I also lived just outside the ghetto and never tried pot until I was about 22 (and I freaked out, thought I was going to die and demanded to be taken to the hospital, to which my stoner friends laughed hysterically and told me that I was just really stoned and paranoid - needless to say, it was a one-time deal).

Also, thanks Nadine for the fantastic idea.