Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Who Will I Be?

So yes, I just posted. I know this. But I've found myself to be ambiguously anxious all day and I couldn't put my finger on it until just this moment.

I realize what it is that is really worming it's way into my brain and making me feel desperate.

My mother. I was just thinking about my relationship with her. It occurs to me that it's probably not the relationship most people have with theirs. We are very close. Besides Nadine, she is my best friend. She is the person who understands me. The person who would see through my insecurities and get right to the heart of the matter. She has always been the person I talk to when something isn't quite right.

When I initially thought of having children, my relationship with her is most certainly the reason I always pictured myself having a little girl. I could relate to that relationship. I could see myself having a teeny-tiny version of myself to be my best friend. I could feel my relationship with my mother and how it would color my own relationship with my daughter. And I've always wanted that so badly.

Now, with a life-changing disease on the fucking horizon, all that starts to blur.

I think about losing Nicholas and how hard that was. For a mother to lose her child. There is truly nothing worse. But this, this idea that Caitlyn could lose parts of me, it's a close second. I wonder if she will ever truly know who I was before this disease. I wonder if she will be old enough to remember a mother who could walk and run and play with her. I wonder if my mind will become a mess and I won't be able to convey to her just how special she is, that I won't be able to put things into perspective when she is still too young to understand that being a tween or a teen or a young adult isn't, in fact, the hardest thing in the world.

And I grieve for those things. The things I may miss. The things she won't ever know about me. This blog gets more important to me by the minute. My daughter needs to know who I am now, while I'm still me. Because I'm afraid I don't know how much longer I'll be the same person.

Alright. That is all. I promise I'm not going to go kill myself or anything. I just needed to spit that shit out because it's been driving me crazy.


Gia said...

Aww, again, I'm so so so sorry you're going through this right now. I really wish there was more I could do than just say that :(

Jaclyn said...

Thanks Gia. Just that helps. Knowing my friends in bloggyland will let me bitch it out when I need to. Sorry this shit is getting so depressing. I'll try to be funny or some shit again soon :)

AKD said...

I just don't even have words to share with you, to give you. I am so sorry.

Anonymous said...

I know I'm anonymous, but it's only because I'm too lazy to sign up. I've been reading your blog for about a year and think you're great. Keep posting and keep a positive spirit. I know it's hard but they have done studies that show positive people fair better in these types of situations.

Just read the instructions before sending and see that I don't have to sign up to have a name. Ok so now I'm lazy and dumb.

Jaclyn said...

@Anon- I love new comments, so keep them coming! As far as signing up, I am not at all technologically savvy, so I would have totally believed that you had to sign up. What the fuck is up with that? I have 900 sign-ons and 900 passwords for every fucking website ever and I hate it so much. I will totally read all the anonymous comments so you don't have to deal with that shit.