Thursday, January 26, 2012

Peace Out, Girl Scouts. Did I Say Peace Out? I Meant Fuck You

Alright. So it shouldn't be news to any of you that I'm a bit of a fatty. You've seen my pictures. There is no need for lies.

I've been working on it though. I joined a gym and Weight Watchers and it's been slow progress, but I've lost about 25 lbs in the last year and a half or so. I could have done better. I could have lost more. But I've managed to drop a couple of pants sizes, a bra size (around, don't worry, the ladies aren't going anywhere) and a whole lot of fat shame.

I've kept it off, despite many lapses in judgment. It seems as if my body had a set point and I've managed to create a new one that is 20 lbs lower. What that has meant for me is that I don't have to be perfect in my choices. I haven't seen any real loss in a couple of months, but I'd been pretty consistent with going to the gym and my time at Weight Watchers really reprogrammed my brain into making better choices, even when I'm making shitty ones.

And then I went into the hospital. Did you know that you can get dessert with every meal if you are on an unrestricted diet in the hospital? And really, I was sick and feeling bad enough for myself that I absolutely ordered dessert. Every. Single. Time (Ok. With the exception of breakfast. Which was bacon, eggs and home fries every day for me, so it's kind of a moot point, isn't it? Bacon is breakfast's dessert).

Besides the cheesecake I regularly ordered, Nadine brought me daily snacks. The first day it was a bag of chocolate candies. Then hot chocolate from Dunkin Donuts. Then assorted pastries and soy hot chocolate from Starbucks so I wouldn't get diarrhea, then a dozen cupcakes from the fancy cupcake place near the hospital. It was all delicious and appreciated, but man, I fell into some bad habits with all those snacks.

When I got out of the hospital and switched over to oral Prednisone, it came to my attention that everything tasted awful. Everything was bitter and disgusting and tasted like it was covered in dirt. Except cookies. Add to that the fact that I was taking the pills every 4 hours and they gave me ridiculous heartburn if I didn't eat with them, and you can understand why I ate approxiametly 4 bags of Chips Ahoy in less than a week. I may be underestimating with 4 actually, but I have too much fat shame to admit to any more than that. Let's just say I ate a lot of fucking cookies.

The cookies spiraled into anything sweet. I started drinking hot chocolate every day, multiple times a day. I had to! Everything else tasted like shit! But it was getting ridiculous, so I finally sucked it up last week and went back to Weight Watchers to face the damage. To my utter shock, I had only gained 3 lbs. I was fully expecting 10. My body had not forsaken me.

Which brings me to those fucking whorebag Girl Scouts. I'm trying to get back on track. Trying to make better decisions and stop eating anything that crosses my path. And I keep getting reminders that soon I will have to not buy their cookies.

Every year in February and March, I get mauled almost daily in the train station by pushy Girl Scouts trying to whore out their product. And it's a good product. Hard to say no to. It's certainly better than that time the Cub Scouts were camped out trying to sell $18 bags of fucking popcorn (
Really Cub Scouts? Who does your fucking marketing?). But Girl Scouts? I don't need it this year. And what I especially don't need is to be reminded a month in advance that I'd better have cash at the ready or I'll miss out on your annual deliciousness.

You see, I work with people who have Girl Scout aged daughters. And those fuckers keep sending out "BUY MY KID'S GIRL SCOUT COOKIES" emails to everyone in the office. And I find myself resisting the urge to sign myself up for some Thin Mints. Those little bastards are like crack. MINT-FLAVORED CRACK. And, I mean, if I'm going to buy Thin Mints, I might as well get a box of Samoas too. Those are some unique cookies right there. You can't just find something similar in the grocery store. And actually, the Tag-Alongs are pretty good too. What's that? There is a new lemon cookie? I LOVE lemon!

And then I spiral into despair because I'll always be fat because of the Girl Scouts.


Gia said...

This made me crave thin mints.

Nadine said...

Order me some cookies. I'll take all the samoas please. This isn't a joke. GET NADINE GIRL SCOUT COOKIES.

Wendy said...

I am so with you on this. As soon as I read this post I warned Chris that he best not be thinking of buying any. Last year he brought home FOUR BOXES of thin mints. I just warned him about bringing them into this household and the wrath that will come down upon his head if he does so.

Front Desk Ninja said...

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, long long ago, when figure skating (shut up) was too expensive, my mother shoved me into Girl Guides.

I fucking HATE those cookies. The only ones I like are their rip-off's of Fudgee-o's and lets face it, if I want fresh cookies, I'm going to make my own goddamn cookies.

You can do it.

Misty said...

We have girl scouts in the neighborhood so they actually come to the door to sell them and then deliver them right to us when they arrive. RIGHT TO OUR DOOR! And you can't resist those adorable faces when they come knocking, so you just HAVE TO buy at least a box or two. Right?

Did you say Lemon? Yum. Now I want some damn cookies.

P.S. I was a girl scout. Selling those fucking cookies isn't a barrel of laughs, either. Those bitches be competitive, and they give out prizes for most sold, and my mom was in sales. Yeah, I hated girl scout cookie time. Hated it.

Nadine said...

Dear Bad Friend Who Didn't Order Her BFF Cookies,

My boyfriend loves me and bought me cookies from my little cousin. It's like you don't even love me anymore. It's not like I spent every day with you in the hospital or something, and I can't even cash in that good deed for some cookies? Fuck that, I will never accompany you to an MRI ever again!!!

Your ex bffl,

PS see you on Sunday.

Selena said...

BWAaaahahahahahaha! You called the girl scouts (and I quote) "WHOREBAGS"! HAHAHAHAHA. I am sharing this one on my facbook page.

LeslieC said...

OMG...thanks a lot. I'm afraid I will now have to kill you. Must have thin mints right this minute. I'm still 25 lbs overweight from fertility treatments and the place I work, which I call the "most eatenest workplace ever," where ne'er a day goes by without some type of celebration.

Jaclyn said...

@Gia- I'm not responsible for Girl Scout cookies purchased as a result of this post

@Nadine- I was going to buy you cookies, you crazy bitch. I'm just waiting for those whores to show up at the train station.

@Wendy- I fucking hate Girl Scout time. Luckily, Rodolfo doesn't like cookies so I don't have to worry about him bringing any home.

@FDN- Don't worry, Nancy Kerrigan. Your secret is safe with me.

@Misty- I remember selling them door-to-door too. Until my Dad ate a bunch of boxes and never paid for them cause he's a deadbeat and got me kicked out of Girl Scouts.

@Selena- Share the fuck out of it! I'm getting a blog boner just thinking about it. I'm always excited about new commenters, so keep them coming!

@Leslie- I work in that kind of place too. Those fuckers are making me fat...ter. Fertility treatments are the fucking worst. Let me know how it's working out for you!

bitchinmommy said...

Blog boner, OMFG. I snorted.

By the way, it's because of Selena's FB post I found you. Just making sure you credit that boner to the right source. ;)

Jaclyn said...

@bitchinmommy- Selena gets all the credit. My blog masturbates to her in the shower.