Wednesday, August 28, 2013

A Guide To Your Classy Unplanned Pregnancy

I figured you were all wondering how my pregnancy is going. I wanted to let you know that my main focus has been to remain as dignified as humanly possible during this unplanned affair. I know, I know. You hear the words "unplanned pregnancy" and your mind automatically conjures up images of someone who has been on 16 and Pregnant.

It doesn't have to be that way. You can make it through your own unplanned pregnancy with all the grace of a 30 year old woman who absolutely should have known better. Mostly because when you are 30 and pregnant, people just assume you did it on purpose (related: Don't blab to your gossipiest coworker that you are getting a divorce and also nailing some random dude, only to end up accidentally pregnant a few months later. There will be follow-up questions, you guys).

There are so many ways to keep it classy. So many different scenarios. Let's go over a few of them:

Lesson 1: No One Wants to Hear About Your Shit Problems
When I was pregnant with Caitlyn, I had a good friend of mine ask that I please stop narrating to him my every thought about shitting. That didn't exactly stop me back then, but it did give me something to think about this time around. It's plenty bad enough to know that all of my friends are wondering just how many IQ points I've lost since they met me that this even happened, so I guess I don't need to keep calling attention to my personal lack of judgment by not editting my need to talk about the fact that my body keeps cycling back and forth between extreme constipation of the sticky variety, and crapping 5 times a day while we are on our way to dinner.

Lesson 2: No One Particularly Want to Hear About Your Other Problems, Either
I have great friends and family. Really I do. They support me and love me and are there for me when I need them. But I do try to remind myself often that, ahem, I sort of did this to myself, and I know lots of people dealing with non-self-inflicted problems and so maybe I should bitch a little bit less about my own personal stupidity.

Lesson 3: Strangers Do NOT Fuck With the Pregnant Lady
Sometimes, in your personal life, you're going to need to curb your tendencies toward blaming your accidental pregnancy for your random emotional outbursts. This does not apply in public. Strangers don't know it was an accident! They already assume you are classy, yet emotionally unstable. Use this to your advantage. Maybe you wouldn't normally complain about slow service in a restaurant, but you are PREGNANT now. Talk to that manager. You're going to need to save some money anyway, and the pregnant woman who bitches about the service gets free food for her and her friends.

Lesson 4: Are You Absolutely Sure He's the Dad? Because He Isn't!
Sure, you made a mistake. But you aren't the only one. That shit was 50/50. Stunningly enough, though, despite knowing that he had unprotected sex with you, he is going to question the baby's paternity. Especially if you break up with him or decide that you want the baby to have your last name (and really, how DARE you! That's a man's right!). This is like the ultimate "keep it classy" lesson. Because you'll want to be sure you don't outright tell him to go fuck himself in a text message. That shit doesn't look good in court. That said, go right ahead and feed into his suspicions- "well... I suppose it's possible that she isn't yours. I'm like 99% sure, but who knows?". You just got him to leave you alone for the rest of your pregnancy! Nothing says classy like being deliberately vague about the paternity of your adorable little bastard.

Lesson 5: Time to Get Your First Round of STD Tests in Almost a Decade!
There is just nothing classier than a responsible lady. And nothing says responsible like going to your doctor at 5 months pregnant and asking for a "just in case" round of STD screenings. I mean, you DID have unprotected sex with a dude you only knew for a few months. And you DID happen to find out that you were actually his side piece for the first several months you were seeing him because he was apparently cheating on his long-term girlfriend with you. For the record though, what a classy lady should NOT do is try to sneak a look at her blood test results before the doctor comes in the room, because she may find herself and her equally classy bestie googling random STDs she's convinced herself she saw a check mark next to on her results. Herpatitis, you guys. It could have been a real thing. Except it totally isn't.