This is a parenting blog. I'm sure sometimes it doesn't seem that way, especially lately. But I still find it odd when I find search terms in my stats that imply that people were looking for a combination of childhood whimsy and porn. Basically, I'm trafficking mostly pedophiles, I think. The following are searches that led people to my blog (much to their disappointment, I'm sure):
Marina Fresh Beat Band Porn- Just no guy. Not at all. Though, I must say I'm not surprised. Once, Caitlyn and I were watching FBB videos on YouTube and I noticed that a large portion of the comments were dedicated to which Marina was hotter and whose snatch they would prefer to lick. Nice jobs, dads of young children.
Girl Gets Fucked By Trojan Twister- I suppose I deserved this one. I did write an entire post about the magnificent commercial and it's sexy appeal.
Moms Licking Scrotums Art- Guy? Can I tell you how much I love that you added the word "art" onto the end of this? Because there is a term for art where any group you fetishize (be it moms or grandmas or whatever) are licking scrotums. It's called porn, eternally classy guy. It's called porn and you don't need to be ashamed.
Lick My F***** Scrotum- This one came up at the same time as the one above, so I'm assuming it was the same person. Still keeping it classy, I see. You may have already noticed though that classiness is NOT the ideal way to find the porn you are looking for (oh, I'm sorry- art).
These are the ones I remember right now, but I've definitely had others, and they more frequently than not reference Marina. Which is just super gross. I'm sure this post is going to help immensely in increasing my traffic of people searching for porn.
In completely unrelated news, I am doing the AIDS walk in NY next weekend. I would really appreciate it if you would make a donation to the cause. Even $5 helps (especially since I signed up rather late and I currently do not have any donations)! Click this link to donate to my personal page! Thank you in advance!
Showing posts with label unbelievably gross shit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label unbelievably gross shit. Show all posts
Friday, May 11, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
Sharing is Caring
As previously mentioned, sometimes my kid is an asshole. I'm doing my best to combat that by teaching her the basic principles of being a human being that the other human beings want to be around.
In particular, I've been trying hard to convey the fact that the world does not revolve around her. She is not happy about this most of the time. Because, really, she wants an ice pop NOW. She wants to watch Dora NOW. She wants to play with my phone NOW. Caitlyn is struggling with the idea that sometimes, maybe, something besides her whims are my priority.
That being said, she is a socialized kid. Despite being an only child, she has cousins very close to her age and she's been with a babysitter since she was 8 weeks old. She's always been around other kids and she mostly does well with not being the center of the universe when they are around.
This brings us to sharing. Or, more specifically, that despite her blatant narcissism, Caitlyn is getting pretty good at it.
The problem with sharing, though, is that once a kid starts to really understand the concept, you have to accept all of their attempts at sharing, even when they are fucking disgusting.
The other night, Caitlyn was eating an ice pop. She has a little game she plays with the dog, where he chases her around trying to snatch her food and she runs away squealing and giggling, holding it over her head. Caitlyn is in the lowest percentile for height and weight. The dog is a fat cocker spaniel. Guess who usually wins that game.
Anyway, she's never upset when the dog takes her food. In fact, if he doesn't chase after her, she will stick her food in his face until she has his complete attention. This is what happened with the ice pop. She was sitting on my lap, alternating licks with Joey (yes, it is disgusting, but it's not going to hurt her so I don't give a shit), a virtual master at sharing (because, you guys, she fucking LOVES ice pops).
And then she realized that it wasn't enough. She realized she needed to take it one step further. She realized that it simply wasn't fair to only share with the dog. And she shoved her dog/toddler covered slime pop into my mouth. Shoved. Like the male lead in a 70s porno. After multiple attempts at dodging it, telling her "thank you, baby, but mommy doesn't want any", I became the dog in her mind. She was going to get me to play her game. She spent 10 minutes going back and forth between cramming it in my mouth, despite my many (MANY) protests and attempts to dodge it, then letting the dog lick it a few times. Then licking it herself a few times. My god, this sounds more and more like I'm describing a three-way scene in a porn the more I explain it.
Anyway, so sharing. It is infinitely more disgusting with toddlers, much like, well, absolutely everything else. But hey, my kid is slightly less of an asshole now!
Finally, I should note that there are some things that Caitlyn refuses to share. Apparently my less-than-2 year old nearly got into a smack-down at the playground yesterday. Why, you ask? Because some 4 year old was following around her man (our babysitter's son). I can't even get mad at her for that. Bitches be crazy if they think they can just roll up on her boyfriend like that.
In particular, I've been trying hard to convey the fact that the world does not revolve around her. She is not happy about this most of the time. Because, really, she wants an ice pop NOW. She wants to watch Dora NOW. She wants to play with my phone NOW. Caitlyn is struggling with the idea that sometimes, maybe, something besides her whims are my priority.
That being said, she is a socialized kid. Despite being an only child, she has cousins very close to her age and she's been with a babysitter since she was 8 weeks old. She's always been around other kids and she mostly does well with not being the center of the universe when they are around.
This brings us to sharing. Or, more specifically, that despite her blatant narcissism, Caitlyn is getting pretty good at it.
The problem with sharing, though, is that once a kid starts to really understand the concept, you have to accept all of their attempts at sharing, even when they are fucking disgusting.
The other night, Caitlyn was eating an ice pop. She has a little game she plays with the dog, where he chases her around trying to snatch her food and she runs away squealing and giggling, holding it over her head. Caitlyn is in the lowest percentile for height and weight. The dog is a fat cocker spaniel. Guess who usually wins that game.
Anyway, she's never upset when the dog takes her food. In fact, if he doesn't chase after her, she will stick her food in his face until she has his complete attention. This is what happened with the ice pop. She was sitting on my lap, alternating licks with Joey (yes, it is disgusting, but it's not going to hurt her so I don't give a shit), a virtual master at sharing (because, you guys, she fucking LOVES ice pops).
And then she realized that it wasn't enough. She realized she needed to take it one step further. She realized that it simply wasn't fair to only share with the dog. And she shoved her dog/toddler covered slime pop into my mouth. Shoved. Like the male lead in a 70s porno. After multiple attempts at dodging it, telling her "thank you, baby, but mommy doesn't want any", I became the dog in her mind. She was going to get me to play her game. She spent 10 minutes going back and forth between cramming it in my mouth, despite my many (MANY) protests and attempts to dodge it, then letting the dog lick it a few times. Then licking it herself a few times. My god, this sounds more and more like I'm describing a three-way scene in a porn the more I explain it.
Anyway, so sharing. It is infinitely more disgusting with toddlers, much like, well, absolutely everything else. But hey, my kid is slightly less of an asshole now!
Finally, I should note that there are some things that Caitlyn refuses to share. Apparently my less-than-2 year old nearly got into a smack-down at the playground yesterday. Why, you ask? Because some 4 year old was following around her man (our babysitter's son). I can't even get mad at her for that. Bitches be crazy if they think they can just roll up on her boyfriend like that.
Monday, December 19, 2011
All I Want For Christmas is Poo
Update: If you are Marlene, maybe don't read this. No wait. Definitely don't read this. Your son seems to think I will scar you for life. <3
Every year Rodolfo and I go through this. Every year I ask what he wants for Christmas and he says I shouldn't get him anything. What this usually means is "we can't afford what I want". The thing about Rodolfo is, when he wants something small, he just goes out and buys it for himself, but when he wants anything priced over $50 or so, he covets it for years before he actually makes a purchase. He's very financially responsible like that. He is the kind of guy who will always put responsibility before pleasure and he can never seem to justify spending a lot of money on something just because he wants it.
For this reason, I always try to get him something nice for Christmas. He works hard and he hardly ever buys himself anything he really wants. The last couple of years have worked out well. Two years ago, he wanted a new TV. I got a rather large bonus that year and lied to him about it so I could get his TV in secret. He was like a little kid when he opened that shit. Then last year, my mom paid for half of his PS3 because he had wanted it for years and she knew I couldn't afford it on my own. Also, because she is awesome.
This year I'm at a loss. All of my money went to Caitlyn. I didn't think ahead. I can't afford to get him anything that isn't shitty.
It gets worse. He is notoriously grinchy at Christmas. Not in that he doesn't always get me a present. He doesn't really mind that part at all. He's just never quite what I'd call "in the spirit". Last year, we didn't get our Christmas tree until less than a week before Christmas. Because he thinks its stupid. And a waste of money. He gets annoyed when I decorate. He hates the time I spend baking cookies and resents all the money we spend on people we "only see once a year".
This year is different. This year he is practically Santa Claus. Our tree went up on December 1st. He merrily spent $50 on it without complaining once. When I started shopping for Caitlyn in October, he never questioned how much I was spending. He asked me what kind of cookies I was making this year and even tried a few (Rodolfo doesn't like cookies. Yeah. WTF). On a particularly warm night last week, we walked around our neighborhood with Caitlyn, checking out the lights and decorations and general merriment. He's even had on Christmas music every time I've gotten into his car in the past few weeks.
It's been strange. But in a pleasant way. I'm all about Christmas, so it's nice to not have him Scrooging up my game.
I know Caitlyn is to thank for it all. Last year he felt she wasn't old enough to know the difference. This year he sees the joy in her face when we pass by a lighted house and the mischief in her smile as she snatches cookies off the table. Caitlyn really made the Grinch's heart grow three sizes and shit.
Anyway. Back to my point:
I'm going to have to take it in the ass for Christmas. I just know it. This is the only thing Rodolfo consistently asks of me for Christmas (and his birthday and our anniversary). And every time I tell him no. Because I fucking hate it. I can count on one hand the number of times I've actually let him do it. Even if I lost two of the fingers on that hand in some sort of horrific industrial accident. Yes. Now you know exactly how many times my ass has been violated. You're welcome.
But I'm not ready to give way to the Grinch again next year, and I feel like I need some sort of Pavlovian reward for his excellent behavior. But I have no money and no ideas.
Please. Someone save me from this. WHAT CAN I GIVE MY HUSBAND FOR CHRISTMAS BESIDES ANAL SEX?
Every year Rodolfo and I go through this. Every year I ask what he wants for Christmas and he says I shouldn't get him anything. What this usually means is "we can't afford what I want". The thing about Rodolfo is, when he wants something small, he just goes out and buys it for himself, but when he wants anything priced over $50 or so, he covets it for years before he actually makes a purchase. He's very financially responsible like that. He is the kind of guy who will always put responsibility before pleasure and he can never seem to justify spending a lot of money on something just because he wants it.
For this reason, I always try to get him something nice for Christmas. He works hard and he hardly ever buys himself anything he really wants. The last couple of years have worked out well. Two years ago, he wanted a new TV. I got a rather large bonus that year and lied to him about it so I could get his TV in secret. He was like a little kid when he opened that shit. Then last year, my mom paid for half of his PS3 because he had wanted it for years and she knew I couldn't afford it on my own. Also, because she is awesome.
This year I'm at a loss. All of my money went to Caitlyn. I didn't think ahead. I can't afford to get him anything that isn't shitty.
It gets worse. He is notoriously grinchy at Christmas. Not in that he doesn't always get me a present. He doesn't really mind that part at all. He's just never quite what I'd call "in the spirit". Last year, we didn't get our Christmas tree until less than a week before Christmas. Because he thinks its stupid. And a waste of money. He gets annoyed when I decorate. He hates the time I spend baking cookies and resents all the money we spend on people we "only see once a year".
This year is different. This year he is practically Santa Claus. Our tree went up on December 1st. He merrily spent $50 on it without complaining once. When I started shopping for Caitlyn in October, he never questioned how much I was spending. He asked me what kind of cookies I was making this year and even tried a few (Rodolfo doesn't like cookies. Yeah. WTF). On a particularly warm night last week, we walked around our neighborhood with Caitlyn, checking out the lights and decorations and general merriment. He's even had on Christmas music every time I've gotten into his car in the past few weeks.
It's been strange. But in a pleasant way. I'm all about Christmas, so it's nice to not have him Scrooging up my game.
I know Caitlyn is to thank for it all. Last year he felt she wasn't old enough to know the difference. This year he sees the joy in her face when we pass by a lighted house and the mischief in her smile as she snatches cookies off the table. Caitlyn really made the Grinch's heart grow three sizes and shit.
Anyway. Back to my point:
I'm going to have to take it in the ass for Christmas. I just know it. This is the only thing Rodolfo consistently asks of me for Christmas (and his birthday and our anniversary). And every time I tell him no. Because I fucking hate it. I can count on one hand the number of times I've actually let him do it. Even if I lost two of the fingers on that hand in some sort of horrific industrial accident. Yes. Now you know exactly how many times my ass has been violated. You're welcome.
But I'm not ready to give way to the Grinch again next year, and I feel like I need some sort of Pavlovian reward for his excellent behavior. But I have no money and no ideas.
Please. Someone save me from this. WHAT CAN I GIVE MY HUSBAND FOR CHRISTMAS BESIDES ANAL SEX?
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Potty Training? Already?
Today I came to the undeniable conclusion that it's time to start potty training Caitlyn. It didn't come to me all at once, the signs have been accumulating for the past few weeks. Here's how it went:
Today I recognized that it's time to give it a shot. I can only list 2 reasons to not try it, and Caitlyn was able to scratch one of those off the list this afternoon:
Caitlyn was playing and I was dicking around on Facebook when I recognized the familiar smell of a shitty diaper. I turned around to see she'd taken off her diaper and was holding it. That's when I noticed that there wasn't any poop IN the diaper. Nope. She had taken it off before she pooped. But wait. That meant... but... where is the damn poop? OH GROSS, WHY IS THE DOG SMACKING HIS LIPS??? Yup. The dog ate her shit. SO. DISGUSTING. Oh, but wait, he missed a spot! She must have stepped in it first, because it's all over her foot. Awesome.
So it's officially time. She can recognize the need to poop and pee and it might be a little tricky getting her to actually tell me when she needs to go, but I'm hoping she will take the initiative to sit down on the potty and go on her own. We will see. It isn't like I'm not constantly cleaning up after her grossness anyway. Wish us luck!
- About a month ago Caitlyn started taking off her diaper. All. The. Time. I seriously consider duct-taping her diapers shut.
- After a week or so of indiscriminate diaper removal, I notice a shift in purpose. Every time Caitlyn takes her diaper off, it's because it's wet. She's starting to make the connection!
- Eventually, she realizes that she simply hates having a diaper on. She spends about 80% of her time bare-assed, while I chase behind her and lure in child molesters by posting diaperless pics on Facebook.
- She starts pointing to her diaper and says "poo-poo" when she's wet. This applies whether she is actually wearing the diaper or simply holding it up for my inspection.
- She starts peeing on my floor. By this point, I'd given up on putting her diaper back on 7 times in a row after she takes it off and usually let her run around naked for a few minutes before I try to strap her back in. Until the day she takes off her diaper, immediately walks over to my kitchen and squats down and pees on the floor. REALLY CAITLYN?
- Me: "Caitlyn do you need to go potty?" Caitlyn: "NO". She pretty much says "no" to whatever I ask her.
- She still has no mastery of poop. She recognizes her pee game and informs me regularly when she's wet. But aside from a time or two when she took off a poopy diaper, she mostly just waits for me to Toucan Sam her ass on those changes.
Today I recognized that it's time to give it a shot. I can only list 2 reasons to not try it, and Caitlyn was able to scratch one of those off the list this afternoon:
Caitlyn was playing and I was dicking around on Facebook when I recognized the familiar smell of a shitty diaper. I turned around to see she'd taken off her diaper and was holding it. That's when I noticed that there wasn't any poop IN the diaper. Nope. She had taken it off before she pooped. But wait. That meant... but... where is the damn poop? OH GROSS, WHY IS THE DOG SMACKING HIS LIPS??? Yup. The dog ate her shit. SO. DISGUSTING. Oh, but wait, he missed a spot! She must have stepped in it first, because it's all over her foot. Awesome.
So it's officially time. She can recognize the need to poop and pee and it might be a little tricky getting her to actually tell me when she needs to go, but I'm hoping she will take the initiative to sit down on the potty and go on her own. We will see. It isn't like I'm not constantly cleaning up after her grossness anyway. Wish us luck!
Friday, July 29, 2011
This is the kind of shit I come up with when I don't have anything funny to say
Do yourself a favor and skip the entire middle section of this post. It is insane.
I've clearly been slacking on the blog posts. So I've promised myself all week that I would post something. So basically I'm warning you that I have nothing of substance to say and this is all going to be fluff and bullshit. Consider yourself warned and your time wasted.
Caitlyn... what has she been doing? Smacking me in the damn face, that's what. This started on Monday after I got home from work. She was in a mood. She had baby PMS. Every time she looked at me, it was to scowl and when I'd scowl back, she'd give me her best "whatchu talkin' bout Willis" look and smack me. Little jerk. According to the babysitter, she had been doing this all day. On Tuesday she seemed better, and she was her sweet, pleasant self for the babysitter. Then she got home and gave me dirty looks. It seems it's become something of a game for her. She isn't necessarily in a bad mood when she does it, she thinks it's funny. Obviously, I do not, and when I react unfavorably to her hilarious new game, then she does get pissed off and I get the scowl/smack combo platter.
As I had no real direction for this post to begin with, I'm going to veer off topic right here. The scowl/smack combo. It reminded me of something that I'm going to share with you. You will be better for it. Your life will never be the same again.
You know how sometimes, someone has offended you to your very core? Maybe it's your husband (usually it's your husband) and he's inadvertantly implied that you don't need a second Entenmann's chocolate donut. Maybe you are trying to discuss something important with him (or at least you will pretend it was important after it becomes clear that he has no idea what you just said) and he won't stop playing Call of Duty long enough to listen to your concerns. Maybe you've simply realized you hate his face.
My point is, you need to take action. You need to make it clear to him that these kinds of behaviors (and faces) are unacceptable. But how can you accomplish that? He's already ignoring you, and it only gets worse when you start to nag him. What can you possibly do to make sure you have his full, undivided attention? What will send the message that you mean business and that there will be consequences to his actions?
2 words, my friends:
FACEPUNCH/MOUTHFART.
And yes, I do consider it to be only 2 words. They are compound words, obviously.
The beauty of the FACEPUNCH/MOUTHFART combo platter is the many levels on which it is satisfying. First, you get the facepunch. A physical manifestion of your feelings. A call to action. The action of punching someone in the face. Don't feel bad, he totally deserved it (that donut thing? Yeah, he totally DID call you fat.). And it makes the second part of the platter so much easier to administer. Even if you've not been successful in knocking him to the ground, you've stunned him momentarily. He can't believe you just did that, you crazy bitch! And he surely isn't expecting part 2.
The mouthfart. This one isn't easy, and it rarely works more than once, because you only have the element of surprise on your side that first time. Pick your mouthfart moment carefully. You don't want to waste it. Also, nobody is going to stand by and willing let you fart in their mouth, so you have to be quick. Don't try to pull your pants down or some shit. That will put you in a vulnerable position and end your moment of triumph before it even happens. The mouthfart must be stealth for it to work. The elusive and unexpected mouthfart is the thing of legends. Make yourself a legend. FACEPUNCH/MOUTHFART will live on forever, haunting the dreams of your victim (husband).
Now back to our regularly scheduled program:
So Caitlyn is scowling and smacking. And besides that one day, it seems to only be directed at me. Last night, since time-outs haven't done a damn thing to head this off, I thought that maybe if I smacked her on her hand, just hard enough for her to realize it was unpleasant, maybe she would knock it off. I didn't do this unprompted, of course. I waited for her to smack me first. And when she did, I gave her a little slap on her hand to show her that hitting hurts.
And she smiled at me. And not just a regular smile either. She cocked her head to the side and gave me her best, side-eye "is that the best you got, bitch?" smile. She was unimpressed. Apparently hitting only hurts if your baby isn't a thug.
So I'm working on this. My mother thinks that maybe her time-outs need to be more than 90 seconds long. I wish I were exaggerating for entertainment value. 90 seconds is the absolute longest time-out she has ever gotten. So it's probably my fault for being terrible at disciplining my kid. It would probably be a little more impressive if I could wait a full 2 minutes or something.
So, any suggestions? Is my kid an asshole? Am I? Obviously she has decided to hate me from an early age since I'm the only one she's smacking, right? I thought I had till she was at least 13 before she hated me.
I've clearly been slacking on the blog posts. So I've promised myself all week that I would post something. So basically I'm warning you that I have nothing of substance to say and this is all going to be fluff and bullshit. Consider yourself warned and your time wasted.
Caitlyn... what has she been doing? Smacking me in the damn face, that's what. This started on Monday after I got home from work. She was in a mood. She had baby PMS. Every time she looked at me, it was to scowl and when I'd scowl back, she'd give me her best "whatchu talkin' bout Willis" look and smack me. Little jerk. According to the babysitter, she had been doing this all day. On Tuesday she seemed better, and she was her sweet, pleasant self for the babysitter. Then she got home and gave me dirty looks. It seems it's become something of a game for her. She isn't necessarily in a bad mood when she does it, she thinks it's funny. Obviously, I do not, and when I react unfavorably to her hilarious new game, then she does get pissed off and I get the scowl/smack combo platter.
As I had no real direction for this post to begin with, I'm going to veer off topic right here. The scowl/smack combo. It reminded me of something that I'm going to share with you. You will be better for it. Your life will never be the same again.
You know how sometimes, someone has offended you to your very core? Maybe it's your husband (usually it's your husband) and he's inadvertantly implied that you don't need a second Entenmann's chocolate donut. Maybe you are trying to discuss something important with him (or at least you will pretend it was important after it becomes clear that he has no idea what you just said) and he won't stop playing Call of Duty long enough to listen to your concerns. Maybe you've simply realized you hate his face.
My point is, you need to take action. You need to make it clear to him that these kinds of behaviors (and faces) are unacceptable. But how can you accomplish that? He's already ignoring you, and it only gets worse when you start to nag him. What can you possibly do to make sure you have his full, undivided attention? What will send the message that you mean business and that there will be consequences to his actions?
2 words, my friends:
FACEPUNCH/MOUTHFART.
And yes, I do consider it to be only 2 words. They are compound words, obviously.
The beauty of the FACEPUNCH/MOUTHFART combo platter is the many levels on which it is satisfying. First, you get the facepunch. A physical manifestion of your feelings. A call to action. The action of punching someone in the face. Don't feel bad, he totally deserved it (that donut thing? Yeah, he totally DID call you fat.). And it makes the second part of the platter so much easier to administer. Even if you've not been successful in knocking him to the ground, you've stunned him momentarily. He can't believe you just did that, you crazy bitch! And he surely isn't expecting part 2.
The mouthfart. This one isn't easy, and it rarely works more than once, because you only have the element of surprise on your side that first time. Pick your mouthfart moment carefully. You don't want to waste it. Also, nobody is going to stand by and willing let you fart in their mouth, so you have to be quick. Don't try to pull your pants down or some shit. That will put you in a vulnerable position and end your moment of triumph before it even happens. The mouthfart must be stealth for it to work. The elusive and unexpected mouthfart is the thing of legends. Make yourself a legend. FACEPUNCH/MOUTHFART will live on forever, haunting the dreams of your victim (husband).
Now back to our regularly scheduled program:
So Caitlyn is scowling and smacking. And besides that one day, it seems to only be directed at me. Last night, since time-outs haven't done a damn thing to head this off, I thought that maybe if I smacked her on her hand, just hard enough for her to realize it was unpleasant, maybe she would knock it off. I didn't do this unprompted, of course. I waited for her to smack me first. And when she did, I gave her a little slap on her hand to show her that hitting hurts.
And she smiled at me. And not just a regular smile either. She cocked her head to the side and gave me her best, side-eye "is that the best you got, bitch?" smile. She was unimpressed. Apparently hitting only hurts if your baby isn't a thug.
So I'm working on this. My mother thinks that maybe her time-outs need to be more than 90 seconds long. I wish I were exaggerating for entertainment value. 90 seconds is the absolute longest time-out she has ever gotten. So it's probably my fault for being terrible at disciplining my kid. It would probably be a little more impressive if I could wait a full 2 minutes or something.
So, any suggestions? Is my kid an asshole? Am I? Obviously she has decided to hate me from an early age since I'm the only one she's smacking, right? I thought I had till she was at least 13 before she hated me.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Mommy Fail- The Dog Shit Diaries
Yesterday after work I decided to take my lovely daughter and our dog, Joey for a walk around the block. The weather was warm but not oppressive and we all needed a little exercise, so I leashed up the dog and shoe'd up the baby and off we went.
I'll start by saying that I knew this wouldn't be easy exactly. I'd chosen not to bring the stroller because I thought she would like to walk. Caitlyn is pretty sure in her footing now, so I wasn't so worried about her falling but there were other issues that made it a challenge. Joey can get a little overzealous on his walks and I tend to be THAT woman, with the asshole dog dragging her around the block. And that just doesn't work out so well when you are trying to hold your one-year-old's hand. And did I mention how there aren't any sidewalks on half the streets around my house? Yeah. Complicated. But I knew my daughter would love the fresh air and anything that drains some of her toddler energy is worth the effort on my part.
It started off okay. We walked around the corner and through a sprinkler, which Caitlyn thought was hilarious. Joey got halfway up the first block and took a shit. It was then that I noticed the plastic bag I'd chosen had a bit of a hole in the bottom. Still, I solidered on, doubling the bag over onto itself and being a good dog owner who doesn't leave their dog's shit all over the place.
We were halfway around the block when we hit the first street that has a sidewalk. I thought I could breathe a little easier because I could let go of Caitlyn's hand for a while and not have to worry about her running immediately into oncoming traffic. I could wrangle the dog a little better. I could let her frolic on lawns and shit. And frolic she did. She spent a good 5 minutes running in circles in front of one house while I tried my hardest to corral her back onto the sidewalk.
At one point during Caitlyn's frolicking, the dog started pulling me in the opposite direction. She was safely in the grass and Joey was dragging himself toward the street side of the sidewalk. I finally righted him and he promptly moved toward the lawn and took another shit. Caitlyn was a couple of feet away on the same lawn, so I quickly moved in to scoop up the poop.
As I bent down and took my eyes off of her for just a second, Caitlyn decided that lawn time was over and crossed the sidewalk toward the street. Just as I lifted my head, a bag full of poop in my hand, I saw why she left the lawn. I'd miss something critical when Joey pulled me toward the street. It happened in slow motion from there. She was leaning over, EVER....SOOO.....SLOOOOWLY. She reached out her hand toward her target, her fingertips brushing the treasure she sought. In a mere moment she would have it fully in her grasp, where it would surely go promptly into her mouth. No, I had to stop this. "Nooooooooo", I shouted, abject horror clear in my voice. "Dooooooon't eaaaaaaaaaaaaat the DOOOOOOG SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!".
Like a ninja I grabbed her, shaking loose her grip. She dropped the dog shit back into the grass and looked up at me with confusion in her eyes. I grabbed my plastic bag and quickly scooped up Joey's little gift. That's when a second tragedy befell me. The bag tore. And now we both had shit on our hands.
The second half of our journey around the block was spent with me scolding the dog for...taking a shit I guess? And pushing Caitlyn's hand away from her mouth because she chose that very moment to decide that her fingers were delicious.
We got home where I promptly scrubbed us both clean. Once that was accomplished I could put her down and let her play while I fed Joey. So of course I dropped a piece of dog food which she immediately (ninja genes and all that) grabbed and put in her mouth before I could take it away from her. I guess she wanted to compare the before and after? She was very pissed off when I took it away. She's spent the last 2 months trying to sample that damn dog food.
So that was it- our eventful, disgusting walk around the block. Next time, I'm bringing the damn stroller.
I'll start by saying that I knew this wouldn't be easy exactly. I'd chosen not to bring the stroller because I thought she would like to walk. Caitlyn is pretty sure in her footing now, so I wasn't so worried about her falling but there were other issues that made it a challenge. Joey can get a little overzealous on his walks and I tend to be THAT woman, with the asshole dog dragging her around the block. And that just doesn't work out so well when you are trying to hold your one-year-old's hand. And did I mention how there aren't any sidewalks on half the streets around my house? Yeah. Complicated. But I knew my daughter would love the fresh air and anything that drains some of her toddler energy is worth the effort on my part.
It started off okay. We walked around the corner and through a sprinkler, which Caitlyn thought was hilarious. Joey got halfway up the first block and took a shit. It was then that I noticed the plastic bag I'd chosen had a bit of a hole in the bottom. Still, I solidered on, doubling the bag over onto itself and being a good dog owner who doesn't leave their dog's shit all over the place.
We were halfway around the block when we hit the first street that has a sidewalk. I thought I could breathe a little easier because I could let go of Caitlyn's hand for a while and not have to worry about her running immediately into oncoming traffic. I could wrangle the dog a little better. I could let her frolic on lawns and shit. And frolic she did. She spent a good 5 minutes running in circles in front of one house while I tried my hardest to corral her back onto the sidewalk.
At one point during Caitlyn's frolicking, the dog started pulling me in the opposite direction. She was safely in the grass and Joey was dragging himself toward the street side of the sidewalk. I finally righted him and he promptly moved toward the lawn and took another shit. Caitlyn was a couple of feet away on the same lawn, so I quickly moved in to scoop up the poop.
As I bent down and took my eyes off of her for just a second, Caitlyn decided that lawn time was over and crossed the sidewalk toward the street. Just as I lifted my head, a bag full of poop in my hand, I saw why she left the lawn. I'd miss something critical when Joey pulled me toward the street. It happened in slow motion from there. She was leaning over, EVER....SOOO.....SLOOOOWLY. She reached out her hand toward her target, her fingertips brushing the treasure she sought. In a mere moment she would have it fully in her grasp, where it would surely go promptly into her mouth. No, I had to stop this. "Nooooooooo", I shouted, abject horror clear in my voice. "Dooooooon't eaaaaaaaaaaaaat the DOOOOOOG SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!".
Like a ninja I grabbed her, shaking loose her grip. She dropped the dog shit back into the grass and looked up at me with confusion in her eyes. I grabbed my plastic bag and quickly scooped up Joey's little gift. That's when a second tragedy befell me. The bag tore. And now we both had shit on our hands.
The second half of our journey around the block was spent with me scolding the dog for...taking a shit I guess? And pushing Caitlyn's hand away from her mouth because she chose that very moment to decide that her fingers were delicious.
We got home where I promptly scrubbed us both clean. Once that was accomplished I could put her down and let her play while I fed Joey. So of course I dropped a piece of dog food which she immediately (ninja genes and all that) grabbed and put in her mouth before I could take it away from her. I guess she wanted to compare the before and after? She was very pissed off when I took it away. She's spent the last 2 months trying to sample that damn dog food.
So that was it- our eventful, disgusting walk around the block. Next time, I'm bringing the damn stroller.
Labels:
dog,
FAIL,
unbelievably gross shit
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Jaclyn 18, Uterus 1
Dear Uterus,
We had a good run. 18 months without a period, that's pretty impressive. I mean, sure I spent about half that time hooked up to a machine that drained milk from my tits, but hey, at least I wasn't staining my underwear. I knew it couldn't last.
Love,
Jaclyn
P.S. Fucking up my milk supply was sort of unnecessary by the way. You don't need to be a bitch about it.
We had a good run. 18 months without a period, that's pretty impressive. I mean, sure I spent about half that time hooked up to a machine that drained milk from my tits, but hey, at least I wasn't staining my underwear. I knew it couldn't last.
Love,
Jaclyn
P.S. Fucking up my milk supply was sort of unnecessary by the way. You don't need to be a bitch about it.
Labels:
unbelievably gross shit
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Hippies
Today I found a tutorial on how to make your own tampons. I wasn't LOOKING for such a thing, but it was linked in a baby community I'm in. You might be asking yourself, "but why Jaclyn, would that be linked in a baby community?". The answer to your question is that you make your own tampons by shoving rolled up baby socks into your vag. Not kidding. This is the grossest hippie shit I've ever heard of.
Labels:
unbelievably gross shit
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
