Monday, December 19, 2011

All I Want For Christmas is Poo

Update: If you are Marlene, maybe don't read this. No wait. Definitely don't read this. Your son seems to think I will scar you for life. <3

Every year Rodolfo and I go through this. Every year I ask what he wants for Christmas and he says I shouldn't get him anything. What this usually means is "we can't afford what I want". The thing about Rodolfo is, when he wants something small, he just goes out and buys it for himself, but when he wants anything priced over $50 or so, he covets it for years before he actually makes a purchase. He's very financially responsible like that. He is the kind of guy who will always put responsibility before pleasure and he can never seem to justify spending a lot of money on something just because he wants it.

For this reason, I always try to get him something nice for Christmas. He works hard and he hardly ever buys himself anything he really wants. The last couple of years have worked out well. Two years ago, he wanted a new TV. I got a rather large bonus that year and lied to him about it so I could get his TV in secret. He was like a little kid when he opened that shit. Then last year, my mom paid for half of his PS3 because he had wanted it for years and she knew I couldn't afford it on my own. Also, because she is awesome.

This year I'm at a loss. All of my money went to Caitlyn. I didn't think ahead. I can't afford to get him anything that isn't shitty.

It gets worse. He is notoriously grinchy at Christmas. Not in that he doesn't always get me a present. He doesn't really mind that part at all. He's just never quite what I'd call "in the spirit". Last year, we didn't get our Christmas tree until less than a week before Christmas. Because he thinks its stupid. And a waste of money. He gets annoyed when I decorate. He hates the time I spend baking cookies and resents all the money we spend on people we "only see once a year".

This year is different. This year he is practically Santa Claus. Our tree went up on December 1st. He merrily spent $50 on it without complaining once. When I started shopping for Caitlyn in October, he never questioned how much I was spending. He asked me what kind of cookies I was making this year and even tried a few (Rodolfo doesn't like cookies. Yeah. WTF). On a particularly warm night last week, we walked around our neighborhood with Caitlyn, checking out the lights and decorations and general merriment. He's even had on Christmas music every time I've gotten into his car in the past few weeks.

It's been strange. But in a pleasant way. I'm all about Christmas, so it's nice to not have him Scrooging up my game.

I know Caitlyn is to thank for it all. Last year he felt she wasn't old enough to know the difference. This year he sees the joy in her face when we pass by a lighted house and the mischief in her smile as she snatches cookies off the table. Caitlyn really made the Grinch's heart grow three sizes and shit.

Anyway. Back to my point:

I'm going to have to take it in the ass for Christmas. I just know it. This is the only thing Rodolfo consistently asks of me for Christmas (and his birthday and our anniversary). And every time I tell him no. Because I fucking hate it. I can count on one hand the number of times I've actually let him do it. Even if I lost two of the fingers on that hand in some sort of horrific industrial accident. Yes. Now you know exactly how many times my ass has been violated. You're welcome.

But I'm not ready to give way to the Grinch again next year, and I feel like I need some sort of Pavlovian reward for his excellent behavior. But I have no money and no ideas.



Unknown said...

Give him a Fleshlight and a Snuggie and a Chia Pet.

Mandi E, said...

That was both hilarious and disturbing all at the same time. I love you tremendously for the phlegm that dislodged in my chest from laughing so hard, that's how awesome you are.

Mandi E. said...

Also, I recommend both this:

and this:

You may actually enjoy it then. You have my personal recommendation and seal of approval.

Jaclyn said...

@Nadine- I think we know who is getting a "fleshlight" for Christmas and it isn't Rodolfo.

@Mandi- I'm glad you enjoyed it. One of my friends just sent me a very horrified text because his mom also reads my blog. And thanks for the suggestions!

Marlene said...

Uhhh.. The perfect gift is to buy him a blow up doll and let him have his way with her! And don't worry...I may be old but I still have the same perverted mind that I did when I was younger...Michael don't you always say that's where you get it from? LOL

Mother Knows Best Reviews said...

My husband is obsessed with the pooper, and my figure ties yours. Ugh, so awful. He is not getting the Christmas gift of butt love.

Anonymous said...

My husband is the same way. Buys himself little things, wants me to buy the big things for Christmas. And I try to, because he kind of deserves it. I didn't get him much this year and now I'm thinking of using your "idea" to save some money.

Although then he'd be begging for it for every holiday. "Martin Luther King day? Let's do it!"

Anonymous said...

Would a BJ suffice? Maybe a really sexy lingerie clad dance?

What is it with men and wanting to anally violate women? Is it the riske factor? The feeling of power? What the hell is the dealio?

Unknown said...

i'm with @misty... nothing says "i love you, merry christmas" like sexual violence. cause i'm sorry, if you cry like a bitch anytime he does that to you, it is some kind of abuse imho.

and mike is just trying to shelter his mom... maybe he doesn't remember who taught us what Arabian Goggles were at Mother's Day Brunch!

AbsoluteMommy said...

Seriously I think that anal is on every man's Christmas wish list. I want an iPad. He's not getting anal and I'm not getting an iPad.
Don't do it. If you do, then you lose a couple of fingers in an industrial accident, you will have to use two hands to count the times you let him in the back door.
Why is that a pleasure spot for men? Sick!

Gia said...

Hahahahah this made me laugh out loud and pretend I was laughing at something else because my mom is in the room. I haven't let Boyfriend go to the back door yet, but he's been a knocking (wants to get a pinky in).

Ummm how about something else sexy? Videotape it (if you haven't yet)? Buy those kits where you can make a mold of your ladyparts for him? Dunno, sorry.

Jaclyn said...

@Marlene- I KNEW you could handle it :)

@Angie- I really don't understand. It's fucking disgusting. And I feel like it's an insult to my vagina. Kinda like "no, let me put it in the TIGHT hole". Icky and insulting. Fuck that.

@Rachel- DON'T DO IT! You don't want to set that kind of precedent.

@Misty- I'm not the sexy lingerie type. And he gets BJs on the regular. You would think that I would get some sort of extra credit so I don't get my balls busted about not wanting to take it in the ass.

@Megan- HA! I definitely don't want to have to use both hands. Wow. Everything about that sounded wrong. As an important side note, I'd like to say that I did NOT give up the butt for Christmas. But I did give up some regular sex. And I got my fucking period while he was banging me Christmas Eve. Awesome.

@Gia- We are married. I think we made a video back when we first got together, but that is the kind of thing you only do before he puts a ring on it. Fuck that shit.