Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Parenting for Dummies- Chapter One: Don't Let Your Kid Eat Glass

You know that expression about assuming? When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me. I've found this expression is doubly true when you have a toddler: Don't assume she wants to use the potty just because she's taken off her diaper. Don't assume she's hungry just because she said she wants to eat. Don't assume she wants you to hold her just because she's standing at your feet, begging a chorus of "up"s. Because she will make you look like an asshole every single time.

Monday was Christmas baking day. I had taken the day off and spent most of it making a delicious array of cookies. Caitlyn thought cookie baking day was amazing. Obviously. She wanted to help. She smiled and giggled as I gave her little tastes. She snuck up behind me when I wasn't paying attention and snatched cookies off the table. It was exactly what I envisioned when I thought of having a daughter. It was everything simple and joyful about creating little traditions together. Right up until we had to make a trip to the Emergency Room.

You see, I made an assumption. It was late and I had finally finished my baking. As I packed up my cookies, Caitlyn walked by me chewing on something. A cookie, no doubt. Except of course, it was not a cookie at all. It was a glass Christmas ball. She was holding it like an apple and taking bites of it. And chewing it. And swallowing it.

Really kid?

I can't quite figure out what is appealing about chewing on a piece of glass, but Caitlyn was downright confused when I freaked out and snatched it out of her hands.

I guess I should have seen it coming. She's been calling them apples ever since we put up our Christmas tree. Naturally I worried that one might break and cut her, which is why everything made of glass was very deliberately placed above waist height. I honestly can't even figure out how she got a hold of it. But she did. And she thought it was delicious.

A quick call to the pediatrician confirmed that we would need to take her to the ER for an x-ray. We were there from about 10pm till 1:30am. Which is way past Caitlyn's bedtime. I expected her to be cranky, but apparently the ER is the most novel place in the world if you don't actually feel sick.

Our 3 and a half hours in the ER broke down a little something like this:

10pm-10:20pm- Admissions and waiting room.

10:20pm-10:30pm- Caitlyn sits patiently (haha- PATIENTLY!) while a nurse takes her vitals and puts an ID bracelet on her.

10:30pm-10:50pm- Caitlyn tries to take off her hospital bracelet (she succeeded about 2 hours in)

10:50pm-10:52pm- Caitlyn is put in a hospital gown, which she promptly rips off and spends most of the rest of the night in her diaper.

10:52pm-11:05pm- Caitlyn turns the TV off. Caitlyn turns the TV on. Lather, rinse, repeat.

11:05pm-11:15pm- Actual interaction with a doctor. Many jokes about Caitlyn having "the Christmas Spirit inside of her".

11:15pm-12:00am- Caitlyn licks or kisses a surface which I do not deem sanitary.

12:00am-12:30am- Caitlyn runs squealing toward the door of her room. Rodolfo has to repeatedly block her from running through the halls of the ER.

12:30am-12:45am- Dora the Explorer DVD while we wait, followed by 2 x-rays where Caitlyn does a mostly awesome job of standing still and we get the front and side view on the first shot.

12:45am-1:00am- Caitlyn opens and slams shut the cabinet doors in her room. She tries to steal gowns and blankets. She catches her dad's hand in the door when he tries to stop her.

1:00am-1:05am: Another meet-up with the doctor. "Bla-bla-bla, don't let your kid eat glass and check in with your regular pediatrician tomorrow" (this sort of makes her sound like a bitch, but actually she was awesome and Caitlyn instantly loved her).

1:05am-1:15am- Get Caitlyn dressed and go the hell home.

Did you know that if you bring your kid home from the ER and she isn't actually feeling sick, she will be all fucking wound up like you went to fucking Disneyland or something and not want to go to bed till 2:30 in the morning? Also, she will sleep till noon the next day which you will appreciate at the time but not as much when you actually have to go back to work the following day and her sleep schedule is all fucked up and she wants to stay up till 2am EVERY night.

Stop smiling and go the fuck to sleep

Also, does it make me an awful parent that I thought she looked adorable in the hospital gown and during the approximately 5 total minutes she was wearing it I took a bunch of pictures?


Front Desk Ninja said...

It doesn't make you a horrible parent for taking a ridiculous amounts of picture of her in a hospital gown.
I did the same thing when my niece was sick, too. I also am the asshole aunt who takes videos of her temper tantrums, and all you can hear (other than her screaming and 'crying') is my manical laughter. Which, as it turns out, does not help the situation. It makes it worse.

I'm still giggling about the Christmas Spirit joke.
I may use that.

I'm glad the wee one is okay!

Mother Knows Best Reviews said...

Holy crap, I would have been terrified. Caitlyn is nuts, yo!

Luckily, Alice was slightly less wound up in the ER when she broke her arm. I had to nurse her before her X-ray to get her to go.

Anonymous said...

Wow! That child of yours. Truly special. And I mean that in all forms of the word. :)

But really, what parent hasn't had to take a trip to the ER for their kid? Seriously, we've all been there for one reason or another. My oldest burnt his fingers on a cast iron stove thing in my SIL's basement on Easter day. We spent the entire evening in the ER with a wee tot to treat the burns. He also fell off the changing table when he was approx 6 months (completely and totally my fault) and was totally fine, but we freaked out like the newbie parents we were and spent the entire day in the ER taking head scans and xrays to make sure everything was ok. Basically, what I'm saying is that you are not a parent of a child if you haven't had to go to the ER for one reason or another. So, bravo. Welcome to the wonderful world of having kids that do stupid things and get hurt all the damn time. Just glad she is ok. And yes, completely adorable in the hospital gown. I would have worn out that damn camera with the massive amount of pictures.

AbsoluteMommy said...

My Caitlin did the exact same thing. Like the ornament was a fucking apple! I died, screamed then call the dr. Luckily I caught her before she actually ate any glass, so I skipped the ER. That might actually make me a bad parent, because I assumed she hadn't eaten any actual glass... Oh well, she's fine now and that was approx 2 Christmases ago.
Hopefully she won't try to eat any more ornaments. Those damn starbucks ornaments look so realistic.
Glad she's ok!

Gia said...

Hahaha I'm glad everything turned out okay! Baby's First ER Trip - hope you're scrapbooking!