What the Fuck is Wrong With People?

As I'm sure you have heard, there was a shooting at an elementary school in Connecticut today. Since it just happened a few hours ago, I don't have a lot of the details. Even if I did, I certainly wouldn't want to rehash them here. The truth of the matter is, I want nothing more than to stick my fingers in my ears and repeat "LA-LA-LA-LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" any time someone at work (or on my Facebook feed) brings it up.

I'm not trying to minimize the tragedy. I'm not saying I don't care. It's just that this is the sort of thing I can't even being to think about without completely breaking down. My stomach ties itself in knots just reading the headlines for these kinds of stories, let alone the gory details.

The thing is, I lost a child. Obviously I did not lose a Kindergartener who had been the biggest part of my life for years. My loss was much earlier than that, so I won't claim to know how the parents of those children must feel. The thought of their babies, terrified and crying for them in a place they are supposed to be safe... it makes me shake in horror. It makes me want to puke. I can't even imagine how it must make their parents feel, knowing their children lost their lives in such a gruesome, violent manner.

My point is just that things like this hit me differently than they do a lot of other mothers, I think. My Facebook feed is filled with friends, family, and aquaintances talking about how they can't wait to get home and hug their kids. How terrifying it is to think that, even in elementary school, you can't ever be sure that they are safe. The difference for me is that is how I feel all the time.

I feel like it would be absolutely disrespectful to compare my stillborn baby to the children who were tragically gunned down this morning, so I want to be careful to say that I'm really not trying to do that. My point is more the reaction from other parents.

When I lost Nicholas, every drop of "that could never happen to me" left my body. I don't ever doubt how quickly and unexpectedly a tragedy could cross my path. Or Caitlyn's. For the most part, absent of a current, relatable tragedy such as the one that happened today, I think most people fall on the other side of the fence. Most people want to believe statistics. They want to believe that if there is a 98% chance something will never happen, that of course they wouldn't be part of the 2% with the terrible luck.

During my pregnancy with Caitlyn, I had an overlap with both of my sister's pregnancies as well. April was near the end of her pregnancy when I got pregnant, and Samantha had just found out she was a few weeks before I did. My loss was certainly on everyone's mind, because it was just 6 months prior. In fact, April was already a few months pregnant when I lost Nicholas. They never talked to me about their fears for their own children, but my mom told me not too long ago that they were both terrified. "That will never happen to me" just hit a little too close to home.

I wonder though, if now, years after the fact, they still have the same fears I do. I mean, every parent worries for the safety of their child, but i think I do to an excessive degree. I never feel 100% sure that I'll see Caitlyn again. Every time I strap her into her carseat, I kiss her goodbye. Just in case we are in a terrible car accident and she doesn't make it, I want her to know she is loved. Even when she is being difficult and crying and fighting me while I try to strap her in, I give her a kiss and tell her I love her. About half the time in the mornings, I wake up and think to myself "she's sleeping too soundly. Did she suffocate in her sleep?". On the rare occasions when I make plans without her, I always find myself fearing that something will happen to her before I return, and I'll have squandered my last precious hours that could have been spent with her doing selfish, unimportant shit.

Sometimes I have to tell myself that I'm being obsessive, or that she will almost definitely be fine. I have to remind myself that my sanity and my ability to be a good mother to her depends on occasionally giving myself a break. But I never, ever tell myself that something could never happen. Unfortunately, the older she gets, the more there are outside influences in play. I'm surprisingly not a crazy overprotective mom, but I mostly attribute that to the fact that my own mom never stopped me from doing things I wanted to do and always trusted and encouraged me. I know when it comes to decision-making, she will be trusted and trustworthy. It's all the stuff outside of both of our control that utterly terrifies me.

Ironically, Caitlyn had her first taste of preschool today. Our babysitter's son celebrated his 4th birthday today and his preschool allowed Caitlyn to stick around and join in the festivities. It was very nice of them, and I got a bunch of very cute, very big girl schmoozing with the other big kids pictures sent to my phone. It made me a little excited to see her so very ready for the next step that will eventually come, but also a little sad to see her embracing such a big step without me. And then all hell broke loose and I had to breathe and type and try not to cry at my computer.

Judgy Playground Moms Can Lick My Scrotum. Yes. Scrotum.

My parenting was judged by a complete stranger.

I know. You've all been there too. No pity party for Jaclyn today. Let me start with what happened earlier in the week:

Rodolfo and I needed a new mattress. We've been putting it off... oh, let's say 3 years, and so when we saw Sears was having a sale, we decided to finally suck it up and spend the money so we could stop waking up with backaches every morning.

We were in the store, setting up delivery for our new bed when Caitlyn just full-on melted down. I've said it before, she has her asshole moments, but nothing like this. This wasn't a minute or two of whining over a toy or because I wouldn't let her ride the escalator for the 10th time or because I made her wear shoes; this was a full-blown, middle of a store where we were in the middle of a large transaction and therefore javascript:void(0)could not just walk out, hissy fit.

The funniest part is that there was no real catalyst for it. I think she may be getting another set of molars, because she hasn't been eating or sleeping much, so I can only attribute it to that. She simply decided after 20 minutes or so of wandering around, riding the escalator and carrying around the Dora purse I was planning to buy her, that she was done with Sears. DONE. She melted first into sobs, then angry, irrational rage when I tried to pick her up off the floor (because obviously you don't stand up for a meltdown. You must be face down on the floor).

I tried, you guys. I tried to calm her down, to distract her. I went so far as to try to get her to jump on the beds because she loves to do that at home. No. A resounding and resentful no (followed by another dramatic, face-down flop onto the ground). When she reached for the last trick in her bag, full-blown screaming, I told Rodolfo I'd wait for him in the mall. At least then people would only be passing by as they gave me dirty looks.

To my utter relief, as I walked out of Sears, I noticed the mall had installed one of those indoor, toddler playgrounds right at the Sears entrance. Yes. I could sit, she could play and shut the fuck up and stop screaming in my face. Except, of course, it didn't quite go down like that.

Caitlyn was still mad. I coaxed her onto the slide once, and then she gave up. She collapsed onto the rug of the play area and sobbed for no reason in particular. And you know what? I let her. A few times I made the obligatory amount of effort by asking if she was ready to play yet. She scowled and answered NO each time. So I let her cry it out for the next 15 minutes or so.

You are probably thinking this is where the judgment happened, but actually the other moms and dads were fucking fantastic. This particular play area was very clearly intended for toddlers, so I'm sure they all felt my pain. And not a single one of them gave me the "control your asshole kid" glare that I was expecting. In fact, they joked around with me about Caitlyn's tantrum. Commiserated.

A funny thing happened after that. Caitlyn realized that I wasn't responding to her shitty attitude. It took a while, but eventually she picked herself up off the floor, ran over and gave me a hug. Then she started playing with another little girl until Rodolfo showed up. She started to melt down again when it was time to leave, which only got worse when we refused to reward her bad behavior and walked right past the carousel that she loves and rides every time we visit the mall. Still, I felt like I won that night.

In any case, it's kind of funny how that worked out. I was completely expecting judgment and dirty looks because my kid was flat-out acting like a dick, but I got nothing but sympathy. I guess I was feeling a certain solidarity with other moms this week because of it, so it definitely threw me off when I was told about the random stranger who judged me to my babysitter today at the park.

My babysitter has a 3 year old son and when she took our kids to the park, another mom asked her if they were both her children. She clarified that the boy was hers, but that she is Caitlyn's babysitter.

The other, random stranger mom who has never even met me, decided that I was a shitty mom right then and there. "Oh", she said "How sad. You have her all day?". Then she went on to ask if I "really have to work" and said that "people should plan if they want to have kids". Plan to marry a rich man, apparently.

My babysitter, being the fantastic badass that she is, responded with something along the lines of "you're right. Only rich people should be allowed to have kids, so they can stay home and let their nannies raise them". The woman went on to say that her husband doesn't let her work, to which my new hero very effectively ended the conversation by saying she had "to go to work. And besides, you probably have to go home and wash your husband's feet or something".

Have I mentioned how much I love this woman? She told me she thinks the woman was trying to pay her some sort of backwards compliment for being a stay-at-home mom, without having even a drop of actual information about her life and circumstances. Which led to a whole other conversation about the assumptions people make.

You see, my babysitter is biracial. It's something I immediately loved about her because our family is also biracial and so I knew there were certain things she would get about us right away. The conflicts of culture when raising a child by parents of different races can be really annoying. With Rodolfo and I in particular, we are both extremely stubborn. Extremely. So, while we usually do just fine sorting out the little stuff, when we have a major conflict of ideals about an aspect of child-rearing, neither of us is particularly inclined to fold.

Our babysitter gets this. She realizes that sometimes I'm going to tell her one thing and Rodolfo is going to tell her the complete opposite. She knows how to find the right balance, to respect both of our wishes and find a middle ground. Come to think of it, should we ever need the services of a marriage counselor, we might do well to ask her opinion first.

In any case, when we were talking about the fact that this random, judgy bitch at the park felt like she had some sort of solidarity with her because they were both at home with their children, it made me think of something else. White people.

I'm curious if it's just me. You see, it's happened to me on MANY occasions. It would seem that some of the other white people, the ones who don't particularly like blacks and Hispanics, seem to think we are on the same team in that respect (or lack thereof). They think they can whisper in my ear about "all the blacks" or how "no one in this store speaks English- they should go back to their country!", simply because we are both white.

My favorite response is always to mention the fact that English isn't my husband's first language, that some of his family members living in this country don't speak English at all (before you get all annoyed about that one, I'd like to point out that they live in a primarily Hispanic community and get along just fine without it. I suppose though, you could also react the way my dad does and point out that "we" are "catering to them" and that "the Italians had to learn English!". I know I've mentioned that he's an asshole. Let me just reiterate that now.) and that our daughter, despite appearing to be white, is both biracial and bilingual.

Does this happen to you other white people? Can we get the word out that not all of us (despite our frequent inappropriate jokes on our blog) are racist?

Anyway, that was all very off-topic. In any case, my babysitter is the fucking shit and defended me to some random, bitchy stranger and put her in her place. It's always frustrating to think someone is judging you because you have to go to work. I don't think it's quite the "mommy wars" situation it can get made out to be. I just think some people are assholes.

In any case, its nice to know the person watching my kid has my back, understands why I'm leaving my kid with her and respects that choice and expects anyone who thinks they are allowed to assert their opinion on it respects it too. If ever I questioned my choice to go back to work after Caitlyn was born, this made me sure I made the right choice. Because I'm not the only one teaching Caitlyn to be a super awesome badass who stands up for herself.

Lezzie McGuire

I think my babysitter is trying to make sure Caitlyn doesn't end up being a lesbian. Do I need to tell you how such a thing is accomplished? Obviously, by doing girly shit with her. Because those lesbians, the only thing they hate more than Jesus is looking like a girl. Let's backtrack a bit, shall we?

So since before Caitlyn was even born, she has had a lot of clothes. I mean a LOT of clothes. I love to find cute things for her to wear. The problem lies in the execution. I'll find something I love, then I save it for a 'special occasion'. Which obviously never comes. It was especially true when she was an infant because mostly she wore onesies or pajamas... the two piece kind, in case you were wondering, because she's been kicking her way out of the feety ones since she was 5 months old. So most of her cute outfits were saved for when we were going to visit someone or going out somewhere- which didn't happen much until she got a little older and it was a bit less stressful.

Then there's her hair. You've seen it. It started off very straight, just like mine. When we went on vacation, the humidity decided that Caitlyn's hair was now curly. And I have no fucking clue what to do with it any more. Truth time? Sometimes I don't even brush it. Ok, usually I don't even brush it. My mom managed to manuever some adorable pigtails when she had her a few weekends ago. ALLEGEDLY, Caitlyn sat there like a perfect little angel while she got her hair did. She does not do this for me. And IF I manage to get in some half-assed version of a ponytail, she rips it out in 4 seconds. Explain to me how this kid still had pigtails in her hair when my mom dropped her off after a 2 hour car ride. EXPLAIN IT TO ME. Because I just do not have the patience to do her hair. Ever.

Finally, there is the issue of ear piercing. I just don't get it. I mean, not that I don't get it ever. But I certainly don't understand why people decorate infants like Christmas trees. Babies don't need bling or sparkle. They are plenty cute enough on their own. Culturally, ear piercing is VERY common with hispanic babies. The brown side of the family was horrified when I refused to pierce Caitlyn's ears. "How will people know she's a girl?" they asked, aghast. Ummm... maybe the pink outfits and the vagina? That's how I usually know. And really, who gives a shit if you can't tell the sex of a young baby? They are supposed to be ambiguous, you know? Because they aren't sexually matured. Am I really supposed to be upset if someone thinks my infant is a boy? Because I don't give a shit at all actually.

What I'm saying here is that Caitlyn isn't fancy. Her hair is usually (always?) a mess, and lots of times I just throw on the first tee shirt and pants I find when we go out. I don't think it's a big deal, and it sort of goes along with her personality. She's a toddler, which means she's always coated in a layer of goo and a good majority of the time that goo has migrated to her clothes and hair. And she's too busy being a badass who isn't afraid of anything to think about being dainty. She's not really a girly girl at all.

Fast forward to this week. The other day, the babysitter informed me that Caitlyn wanted her ears pierced. She said Caitlyn was playing with her earrings and she asked her if she wanted earrings and she said "yeah". Babysitter isn't a moron and she knows I'm not either, so I definitely don't think she meant "you should listen to your one year old about this", but I wonder if she wants to know why I haven't pierced Caitlyn's ears.

Then yesterday. I pick Caitlyn up and her toenails are painted pink. It's cute and all... but I found myself wondering if she's telling me I don't know how to make her look like a proper girl or something. Also, I wondered how long it would be till Caitlyn tried to eat the polish off her toes, but that's a whole separate issue. Babysitter has a little boy and maybe she's just playing out her baby girl fantasies with Caitlyn.

Or maybe I'm feeling like  I should be doing more and I'm not. Not budging on the earring thing, but maybe I should start brushing Caitlyn's hair or some shit.

Damn it Feels Good

Nadine pointed out to me today that my blog format is kinda shitty. I've been noticing problems with some stuff too, but I am not good at this shit, so she sent me some links to templates and she's going to help me figure it out.

The problem is that I can't seem to find a template that conveys my vision. It has to say "KIDS" when you first see it, but then you realize it isn't actually for kids at all. My first thought, upon realizing this was that I need a template that includes Elmo drinking a beer. Or a couple of Muppets having sex. Do any of you know where I might find such a template?

On a completely unrelated note (Am I master of segues? You betcha.) Caitlyn has a new thing she's been doing and I just found out why. How to explain?

Did you all grow up in the ghetto? I can't say my town was exactly "the ghetto" (not then anyway), but it was most certainly ghetto-adjacent. So you know how sometimes when you are in the ghetto, you want to acknowledge another gangsta? What do you do? You don't smile. Not unless you wanna get shot. You don't shake a motherfucker's hand. And you sure as shit don't go up to him and say "hi there buddy! How have you been?".

No. What you do is a brief half-nod type gesture with your head. It isn't a regular nod exactly. There is no up-and-down motion. Just a quick up motion. You get what I'm saying here? It's a simple greeting. It says "I ain't no pig" or "I'm a Blood too" or "smiling is for bitches". What it doesn't say? "I still shit my pants". Someone needs to explain this to Caitlyn.

I've mentioned how much I love my new babysitter. She has taught Caitlyn so much and spends quality time with her and it's all great. We have been with her for almost 3 months now though, and I've yet to meet her boyfriend, who lives with her. This isn't a sticking point for me ... we tried to arrange a meeting and it just didn't happen because he works almost constantly.

So the babysitter and I were discussing this the other day. She mentioned that he was home the other day and offered to watch the kids while she ran out to the store or something. Despite the fact that this is the father of her son and that she trusts him completely, she respectfully declined to leave Caitlyn with him because Rodolfo and I had yet to meet him. She pointed out to him that he should think about how he would feel if they were to leave their son with a babysitter and came to pick him up to find him with someone they didn't know. It was an excellent point and I greatly appreciated her respect.

This isn't the point. My point is that we were discussing her boyfriend. She was saying how he usually comes from his first job and is home for a few minutes before leaving for his second. She pointed out that Caitlyn does know him, but mostly in passing. She told me that when he sees her, he greets her in a way that is unusual to greet a baby. He greets her with the thug head-nod. And she responds to his greeting, naturally, by returning the gesture. Which explains why she was doing this last weekend at my mother's house. I couldn't figure that one out for shit.

So once again, Caitlyn has proven that she is the Tupac to my Bow wow. I simply can't keep up with her level of street cred.

No.....Babysitter drama? Really? Are you sure?

I've been wanting to make a post all week about our new babysitter. The problem is, I have nothing to snark about so this is going to be a boring post.

S. is just lovely. She has a two and a half year old son, who immediately made Caitlyn his new BFF. He calls her "KK", which is fucking adorable, and follows her around and plays with her all day long. The other day when it was really hot outside, S. took them out and let them play in the sprinklers. Which reminds me, Caitlyn is walking like crazy now... running actually, and now she has a new little friend to run with.

I've been really open about the problems I've had with my sister and her babysitting skills. It wasn't ever that I felt she wasn't taking care of Caitlyn, but it always seemed more like a chore than anything else to her... like she loves Caitlyn and all, but it's always been rather obvious that she would love being around her even more if there wasn't any responsibility attached. It's so strange to me that I've found a stranger who truly seems to enjoy caring for my daughter, much more so than I ever felt my sister did. And as much as I realize it's only been a week and my feeling may change, I just get such a great vibe from her.

When someone interviews you for a job, I think it's pretty easy to see what an employer wants. At my old job, personality was so important. Anyone who wasn't completely oblivious could take a few minutes and talk to some of the people who already worked there and understand what we were looking for. And besides that, there are the obvious stand-bys: responsible, reliable, trustworthy. Those are important in any job. I think it's easy to get a feel for a place, but when someone is hiring you to watch their child it's just different. Obviously they want to know you won't leave the kid alone in the bathtub while you go do bumps of coke. But really, people's parenting styles and ideals and all that bullshit are so different. So I think it's harder to put on a show besides "I don't do coke".

My sister, for example, has different ideals than I do. Obviously. We've discussed that shit to death. In her opinion, the worst thing I could have ever possibly done is find a STRANGER on craigslist to watch Caitlyn. But then, isn't it funny how that stranger seems to share my ideas about parenting? Isn't is amazing that she spends quality time teaching and playing with my daughter and doesn't seem overwhelmed and annoyed about it? Isn't it just wonderful that when I pick Caitlyn up, instead of scouring the room for her stuff thats been strewn all over the place, it's neatly packed in her diaper bag, along with a little note addressed to "mommy and daddy" with a run-down of her day? Or the fact that she embraces my preference to give Caitlyn encouragement, hugs and kisses when she's having a bad moment, as opposed to letting her "cry it out" when she's "being a brat". It's fucking magical, that's what it is.

The point of this post wasn't to bash my sister, though it always seems to go that way. My point is that I'm just so very happy with our new babysitter. She's exactly what I hoped to find. She appreciates Caitlyn's bouncy, cheerful (and just a teensy bit spoiled) personality and gives her time to nourish her creativity, energy and intelligence. And maybe I'll be able to appreciate my sister a little more. We can enjoy each other's company without all the undercurrent of our clashing parenting styles.

Questions to ask your new babysitter...

I'm sure I mentioned that my sister won't be babysitting for Caitlyn anymore starting in June. I haven't had a ton of time to think about it with everything that's been going on- vacation, then Caitlyn's birthday, then plagues, but I did manage to do some research and find someone I'm interested in. We met last week and it was awkward. That isn't to say I didn't like her, actually, I really did. But it's such a strange thing to be in someone's home asking them nosey questions.

When I was a manager in a clothing store, I did hiring all the time. There was a very specific protocol, with certain questions I always asked. There was also always the very obvious list of questions you don't ask. Things about people's age and religious beliefs and families. Those are all very, very off-limits in a real interview. And the questions I had to ask, well, let's just say it made it very easy to weed out the people I didn't want working at my store. I'll give you a few examples:

Q: Why did you leave your last job?
Possible appropriate answers:

1. I'm looking for better opportunities (even though we all know that's code for "I hated my last job", at least you are trying to make it sound like you didn't).


2. I left for school and now I'm looking for another summer job (it was retail, so we had lots of kids who did this).

Inappropriate answers I actually received from applicants:

1. My boss was a racist (translation: you sat around doing nothing all the time and when they fired you because you were LAZY, you said "It's because I'm black, right?").


2. They fired me because I had a family emergency and didn't show up or call for 3 days and they said that was "job abandonment" (me: why didn't you call? them: I didn't have a phone and I was in another state and they didn't have a phone there. me: yeah, no phones, that sounds totally legit. I'm 1000% sure you didn't go to the beach when you were supposed to be at work).


3. The manager hated me even though I worked really hard. I had a problem with this girl who worked there and she was friends with the manager so the manager fired me cause her friend didn't like me.


4. I was seasonal (Really? What season runs from February to March, exactly? And it looks like you had 4 other jobs that also all lasted a month or so, and you say you left all of those because you were "seasonal" too.).

Q: Tell me what your idea of good customer service is.

Inappropriate answers:

1. Uhhhh.... ummm. I don't... well. When you say "customer service"... could you repeat the question (I HAAAAAAATED the "can you repeat the question" motherfuckers. It was always on a simple question. They would just "uhhh" and "ummm" for 5 minutes till I was ready to blow my fucking brains out).


2. The customer is always right? (This is always a question and never a statement. This is the equivalent of saying "this is what you wanted to hear, right?" And so I'd always follow it up with "give me a specific example" and then their heads would explode).


3. Well you know, sometimes the customer wants you to help them but you have do other stuff and they have to understand that (You failed buddy. You definitely just failed.).

Besides the questions though, there were other things I always looked for and I could tell almost immediately if I would hire someone or not. My company was very customer service focused and they fully expected you to go up to every single customer and say hello and offer them help, so if an applicant seemed shy and barely looked at me, or snotty and didn't smile, I politely conducted a 5 minute interview and sent them on their way because I already knew they weren't right for my store. Some other immediate tip-offs that I wasn't going to hire you? (I swear- seriously all this shit really happened).

1. If you came in with a group of your friends and all wanted to apply at once. I never, ever, ever hired people in groups. I don't need you and your stupid, slacker friends dicking around for your entire shift. I got shit to do.


2. If you came in with your mom. More specifically, if your mom wasted 20 minutes of my time explaining to me how her little boy needed a job (this only ever happened with boys) and how I should hire him. Something always told me that your mom would also be the one calling out for you when you wanted to hang out with your friends instead of coming to work.


3. If you couldn't figure out how to do the online application. I get it that not everyone is tech savvy, but if you called me more than once so I could hold your hand through the application process, I immediately put a retard check next to your name in my head.


4. I had a guy who came in for his interview and the person he asked to find me happened to be standing next to another manager. He didn't know that and when the other manager tried to introduce himself and shake the guy's hand, he refused to acknowledge him and wouldn't even say hello until I came up there. Did I mention the other manager was actually MY boss?


5. I had a few interviews scheduled right in a row and I was halfway through one when the next applicant showed up in my backroom a few minutes early. I assumed one of the other employees brought him back, asked if he was my 11:30 interview and told him I'd be with him shortly. When I got to interviewing him and started asking about his job history, he said "oh, that's not me". He had just showed up and came into the back room expecting me to interview him. My actual interview had been sitting outside, waiting patiently for my first interview to be over.


6. There was a guy who spent the majority of the interview complaining about the air quality in my office and asking if the ventilation system was working properly. Then he answered his phone mid-interview. Yeah. He didn't get the job.

Anyway. My point is that it was easy to know if someone wasn't what I was looking for. And the stakes weren't exactly high. Sure it was annoying to put the time and effort into training someone who didn't work out, but it's not like I was risking my kid's life or anything. So now, here I am, back to square one. Interviewing the new babysitter. It went a little something like this:

Me: Ummm, so you aren't a serial killer, right?

Babysitter: No, I'm not a serial killer.

Me: I see you and your son are of mixed racial descent. My family too! It's a good thing, cause now I know you aren't racist. White people like to say racist shit to me and they think it's ok cause I'm white so I must be racist too.

B: ... Yeah. I guess you can't just flat out ask people "are you a racist".

Me: Yeah. People would probably lie about that. So... yeah... I don't know what else to ask you.

B: makes an effort to play with my daughter and show me stuff around her house because clearly I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing

Me: Your house is clean, but not like, museum clean. I think museum clean people are scary. I'm glad you aren't putting on a show for me (which really probably came off like I was saying her house WASN'T really that clean).

B: Yeah, you wanna see my son's room?

Me: Oh yeah, that's nice. A crib and stuff. And you say you have a pack-n-play too? That's good.

B: Does your daughter have any special needs or food allergies or anything?

Me: No.

B: That's good. My son has food allergies. He can't eat wheat or dairy or eggs.

Me: Wow, that sounds like a pain in the ass.

B: Yeah. We hope he grows out of it.

Me: So, I like you. I have to talk to my husband though. He won't say anything till we leave.

B: Ok. Well I hope he likes me too!

Me: I think he does or he would be rushing me out of here. Rodolfo, do you have any questions you want to ask?

Rodolfo: I see you have a PS3. Do you live with a guy?

B: Yes, my son's father lives here too, but he works 2 jobs and he is hardly ever here. He will be off the Thursday and Friday of Memorial Day weekend. If you would like to meet him, we can make plans one of those days. Maybe we can take the kids to the zoo.

Me: Yes! All good ideas. So, I like you and I want you to be my babysitter.

B: Great!

So yeah, clearly I'm not blessed with an abundance of social graces. We did talk through email a few times, so it's not like some of the normal people questions weren't already out of the way. But it was just so strange, sitting in a stranger's home, hoping my daughter would be safe there. It felt safe and comfortable, and Caitlyn seemed to be immediately comfortable there. And I like the woman. She's around my age and normal. I can't explain it a better way than that. I didn't feel like I was meeting her "on my best behavior" self. I felt like she was relaxed because she knows she isn't a total weirdo and she doesn't have to edit herself on the regular. I wonder what that's like. Because I was definitely editting. In fact, I didn't say fuck even once. It was hard.

So we are going to give her a try. But it feels so wrong, barely knowing this person and just the idea of dropping my daughter at her home and leaving her there and not really knowing how it's all going to go. My sister and I have had enough drama for a lifetime, but at least I always knew what to expect, even if it was annoying. So. Yeah. That's all I've got.

Why do I always have babysitter drama?

So I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing me bitch about my sister and brother-in-law. If you can't stand to hear it anymore, you should probably skip this post.

When I picked Caitlyn up on Friday, T., my brother-in-law, mentioned that he wanted to talk to me. My dad was at their house and he's notorious for putting his ill-informed 2 cents in on absolutely everything, so T. said he would give me a call because he didn't want to talk in front of my dad.

I thought I knew what it would be about. My sister tends to be overly sensitive about everything. She's all about playing the victim and for some reason, she is completely convinced that I'm out to get her. I can say the most harmless thing and she gets totally defensive and tells me I'm being condescending. Just so you don't think I'm exaggerating, let me give you an example:

I had spoken to A., my sister, several times about changing Caitlyn's schedule so she would go to sleep before midnight because I have to get up at 6am. The way it had been going, Caitlyn would sleep from 7am when I dropped her off, till around 10am, then she would nap for 2-3 hours in the afternoon. I simply asked that A. wake her up earlier from her naps. The inital answer I got was "well, if she's cranky I'm going to let her sleep as much as she wants- I HAVE TO DO WHAT'S EASIEST FOR ME". But she assured me she was willing to try. And try she did. For TWO WHOLE DAYS!

A. informed me that Caitlyn had been really fussy with less nap time and that it was simply too difficult for her to keep Caitlyn awake. Two days isn't what I would call a transition period, but it occurred to me that my lovely daughter was teething pretty hard at the time. I told A. that we would postpone the transition until her teeth cut through.

When Caitlyn's teeth cut and she was sleeping through the night again, I had the second conversation with A. about cutting an hour from Caitlyn's nap time. At that point she told me that, once again, this was a bad time. Her own son was teething now and was keeping her awake every night and she was absolutely exhausted and nap time was the only break she got from the kids. "Fine", I said. "Let me know when he cuts his molars and we will give it another shot then".
A few weeks later came the final conversation regarding what I felt was best for my child and my family. It went down like this:


Me: So, has S. cut his molars yet? I'd really like to get Caitlyn on that new schedule.

A: Well, he's sleeping through the night again.

Me: Great, so as we talked about before, let's just cut an hour off of Caitlyn's nap time in the afternoons.

A: I don't know. She was really fussy when I tried it before.

Me: If you remember, she hadn't been sleeping through the night because she was teething. And you only did it for 2 days so she didn't really have a chance to adjust.

A: Well I just think that's not enough nap time for her. She's gonna be cranky all the time and I have 2 kids to take care of and it's gonna be really hard for me if she's always cranky.

Me: Well I want to give it a try. I'm not expecting you to continue it no matter what. If she's cranky all the time then we will let her sleep more. But she needs a couple of weeks to adjust her sleeping schedule.

A: ......

Me: Well what about cutting the time down gradually. We can start by cutting out a half hour and see how that works. Then after another week or two of that, we can try the hour if she still isn't going to bed any earlier.

A: .....

Me: Ok, I'm trying really hard here to accommodate you.

A: I'm really tired and it's really hard for me to watch 2 kids- you have NO IDEA.

Me: So you are saying.....what, exactly?

A: When the kids are asleep is the only time I have to myself and I NEED that time.

Me: So this isn't about Caitlyn being cranky at all? You're just telling me you won't do what I want and need for my child and my family because you want more free time?

A: I just wish you would listen to me when I say something. You can never just accept what I say (I SWEAR these exact words came out of her mouth). You always have to question me.

Me: Well, I'm PAYING you to provide a service. You aren't doing this as a favor to me. When I went looking for another babysitter, you told me you "don't want Caitlyn with a stranger" and asked me for more money, which I GAVE you to continue to watch Caitlyn. And I don't think it's unreasonable for me to expect you to follow my instructions for my daughter. I shouldn't have to just "accept" what you say when my life and family are directly affected. You can't just say you aren't going to do something. If you were at any other job, you wouldn't just tell your boss "sorry, I don't agree with that and it's going to make my life difficult, so I'm just not going to do it".

A: (this part is paraphrased- but you get the idea) You aren't the boss of me! I can do whatever I want! You are being condescending like ALWAYS! You think I'm stupid and you never let me do what I want to do. Watching 2 kids is super hard and even though I allegedly feel overwhelmed, a month after we have this conversation I'm going to start watching my friend's kid FOR FREE because I need everyone to love me and think I'm the most giving person on the planet, except to my sister who I squeeze for cash at every opportunity.

Me: ::throws up hands in frustration and walks out::

SCENE

Ok, so I went off on a little tangent. My point is that she is unbearably dramatic and all she cares about are her own interests and there was a similar incident where she completed disregarded my feelings that just happened last week:

Caitlyn is very close to taking her first steps. She can stand on her own for several seconds and you can just see her building up the nerve to take a step. I recognized this and remembered when I missed the first time she crawled. It happened while my sister was babysitting and I felt really sad about missing a milestone. So as she nears walking, I asked my sister to keep me in the dark if I missed anything. I quite literally said "even if I ask you, please don't tell me because it will just make me sad that I missed it". She told me not to ask her if I didn't want to know, because she's a bad liar.

So I go to pick up Caitlyn early last week and the first words out of A.'s mouth are "I really want to tell you something, but you specifically asked me not to". Well, dumbass, that's just as good as telling me, now isn't it? She justified her complete defiance of any simple thing I ask of her by saying "well, I thought it was one of those things where you said you didn't want to know but you really did". Sometimes it hurts to talk to someone so stupid. I was upset and yelled at her a little for having no consideration and left. So when I got that call from T., I figured he was calling to tell me I hurt his wife's precious little feelings or some bullshit like that. Clearly, that was not the case.

The conversation that followed was T. explaining to me all the reasons they could not babysit anymore. Which would have been significantly less infuriating if we hadn't had this very conversation 2 months ago end when I found a suitable replacement and A. decided that she DID want to babysit and that our personal issues were at the heart of her deciding she didn't want to do it anymore. "Caitlyn is such an easy baby and it was never about her. We just weren't getting along and I didn't want to watch her because of that, but actually it's become very easy to watch them both now. I'm so used to it, it doesn't bother me anymore. But hey, since you were planning to pay someone else more, would you mind matching that for me? (in all reality, she actually asked for MORE than I would have paid the new babysitter, but we settled on matching it- how fucking audacious is she? SERIOUSLY!)". So, as she explained it then, it had nothing to do with it being too much work for her, it was simply a personal issue, which we addressed and resolved at that time. Until I got that phone call from T, listing all the reasons they couldn't do it anymore.

In case you are wondering what the reasons were, here they are for you, along with my commentary in red.

1. It's about S. We want to give him as much of our time as we can. You understand that, right? Yeah, I guess. Until you got to point #2.
2. We are planning to have another baby in the next year. So, what you are saying is that you want your kid to get used to being the only child again so you can pull the rug out from under him in a year when he has a new sibling? Yeah, that makes perfect sense!
3. S. comes out of his shell at night when the other kids aren't around. I just think it's overwhelming for him and he's not getting enough attention. Aaaaaand again. You think your kid doesn't enjoy being around other children and feels desperate for Mom and Dad's one-on-one attention, yet you plan to give him a sibling when he's barely 2 years old?
4. I want to do things with S. that I just can't do when I have both kids, because the age difference really is HUGE in terms of what you can do with them and where you can bring them. Yeah, I mean S. is totally ready for go-karting and strip clubs and bars. And most bars have a strictly enforced 'only one kid under the age of 2' rule. And with strip clubs, you can't have 2 kids on your lap. How would you get lap dances?
5. A. and I have been fighting all the time because the housework is falling by the wayside. I bust my ass at work then I have to come home and do dishes (Seriously, these exact words) because she just can't keep up now that she's watching 3 kids (remember that friend's kid who they are watching for free?). Ok, for the record, this guy is a math teacher, not a construction worker. Ever since he said this I keep imagining him wearing a sweatband with his shirt and tie. The theme music from "Rocky" is playing in the background and he downs a glass of raw eggs before working up a sweat writing equations on the blackboard. Hardcore.
6. This will be the first summer where I'm not planning to work and I'm really looking forward to the time off. Whatever, I guess he's entitled to time off. But I'm still annoyed about this one for a couple of reasons. First, they have no common sense about money. He's a teacher and instead of stretching his paychecks out throughout the entire year, he takes a little more each check then gets nothing for 3 months while on summer vacation. Then they spend the entire summer crying about how broke they are. Even before, during and after the weeklong vacation they take to Florida every single year. And second, remember what I said about them gouging me for more money despite babysitting their friend's kid for free? Maybe he should work at his summer waiter job like he always does. I get 2 weeks vacation a year and I go to work every other day. No other job gets 3 months off. Even working just part time for the summer would be like a vacation for me. And HELLO- you have a child now! Stop bitching about your debt and how hard and expensive it is to have a kid while simultaneously planning to spend 3 months not working and to have another kid within a year.

I think I hit most of his bullshit points. Wow, did this post get long. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I can respect that they are trying to make the right choices for their family and if babysitting for Caitlyn isn't the right choice, I can respect that too. But it's hard to feel anything other than disbelief when I'm constantly getting conflicting stories from the both of them. It's also frustrating because they always talk about how much they need the money they get from me until they can't be bothered anymore. It makes me feel a little manipulated about how hard they pushed the agenda that they would NEVER ask me for more money (or any money at all!)except that they REALLY needed it. I'm also exceptionally annoyed that I keep hearing the phrase "what's best for my family" when what's best for MY family has been consistently and continually ignored. Alright. I think I made my point.

Babysitterless

I mentioned in one of my first posts that my sister and brother-in-law have been babysitting for me since I went back to work. My sister only works part time and my brother-in-law is a teacher, and her schedule is quite flexible so there is always someone home with their son and my daughter. Or there was.

I knew it was coming. Before Caitlyn was even born, I knew. A. (my sister) is the type to change her mind in the blink of an eye. When I was pregnant, she was babysitting for a friend of hers a couple of days a week and one day just decided she was done with it. The official story was that the friend's daughter was in day care most other days and was "always sick" and my sister didn't want her son getting sick all the time. When we made arrangements for her to watch Caitlyn, this was obviously a point of concern for me. I couldn't just have her decide one day that she didn't feel like doing it anymore. So we talked about it. She assured me that she would "never do that" to me. She emphasized that her friend was 1. not paying her, 2. already comfortable with the day care her daughter attended so she wasn't worried about sending her for an extra day or two and 3. that she was really just worried about her son's health... since my daughter wouldn't be in day care at all, we wouldn't have to worry about her bringing other kids germs around all the time. She never mentioned being overwhelmed or feeling like she couldn't handle more then one kid. Not even once.

There has been tension between us lately. I could feel her resentment the day last week that she sent me a bitchy text message about how she couldn't believe I'd forgotten Caitlyn's pacifier because she had things to do and couldn't " hold her all day". I found it especially odd because Caitlyn is almost always fine to play with a toy or just hang out. She's not high maintenance at all, so I couldn't figure out why my sister was OMG SO ANNOYED. I texted her back with obvious sarcasm "oh is she that much of a nightmare to watch? Just give her a toy or put her in the jumperoo" and "have you never forgotten anything". What I got back were 7 back to back messages about how I have NO IDEA how hard it is to watch 2 kids at once and how dare I even say such a thing to her! Oh and "yes, sometimes she IS A NIGHTMARE". Hmmm... are you sure you don't mean your own kid? I took the high road and kept that comment to myself...along with about 6 others, almost all of which included the word "cunt".

Then there was the comment she made to me when I picked Caitlyn up on Saturday. She made some bitchy reference to how I'm only paying her like $4 an hour. And yeah, that week it did come out to about that. But she seems to forget about the occasions where she only babysat one or two days and I paid her the same flat $100 for the week. In my opinion, it was a fair arrangement for both of us. There were weeks I made out better and weeks where she did. And hey, remember how I mentioned that she did it for her friend for FREE?

So it isn't even like she mentioned to me more then just the one time that she was feeling a little overwhelmed. But then today I get a text message that said "I need to talk to you and Rodolfo". And that's when I found out I no longer have a babysitter. We discussed, in detail, before Caitlyn was born that if she decided she didn't want to babysit anymore that she needed to give me a reasonable amount of time to make other arrangements. We haven't discussed that yet, but I really hope she understands that a week isn't reasonable time. She's selfish in that way... when she stopped babysitting for her friend she told her 2 or 3 days before she was supposed to babysit and thought that was plenty of time. Which is why we had the conversation about "reasonable time" in the first place. So I'm wondering how that conversation is going to go.

And ok, just to go to the bitter place, let's smack talk for a minute, shall we? This woman is the same person who wants "at least 2, but probably 3" children. This is the woman who knew at 18 that the only aspiration she ever had for herself was to be a mother. She didn't want a career, didn't bother to even finish high school. She just wanted a dude with a good job to take care of her while she stayed home and shot out babies. That's always been her plan. And, in fact, when her husband pushed her to have some sort of goal for herself, the best she could come up with was that she would L-O-V-E to open a daycare. She went so far as to look into how to get certified and what she would need to do to make it happen. And I know, a few minutes worth of research doesn't sound like anything, but damn, that's because you don't know my sister. For her, that's the closest she's ever come to a career.

So I guess I'm curious what she thinks the reality of any of these things would be. Does she expect it to be magically easier to care for more then one kid when they are both her own and she has to do it all the time? Umm, yeah, not really. Especially since she turns them into overscheduled whiners. And with the daycare thing, did she think she was going to just throw on "Finding Nemo" for half a dozen kids and rake in a bunch of cash without doing any real work?

My problem now is that I don't have a plan. Daycare isn't going to work for me. My schedule is too flexible...my hours are too varied. Most daycares aren't open past 7pm and that's not even close to late enough for it to work. And even if it would, I really don't want to leave my kid at a daycare. Not to say I couldn't find a trustworthy person or place, but in a daycare setting, no matter how good a person is, one kid can't be the priority over all others. And I need to know that my kid is the priority. As far as finding a babysitter that will come to my home or whose home I can take Caitlyn to, well, in theory I would be more comfortable with that. Unfortunately, peace of mind ain't cheap, and a stranger isn't going to take $4 an hour to watch an infant. So right now... I just don't know where I'm at. I considered talking to my boss about working a 4 day week with 10 hour days as opposed to 5- 8 hour days but Rodolfo doesn't seem to think she would go for it (my boss is notoriously family unfriendly).

Just overall this whole situation makes me long for a major change in my career path. I've gotten stuck in this retail rut for 10 years now and I hate it. At 18 I wasn't focused enough to realize that I didn't have all the time in the world and that HEY- SCHOOL IS EXPENSIVE AND THE GOVERNMENT WILL PAY IF I GO NOW BECAUSE MY FAMILY IS POOR! If only I could talk to my 18 year old self...smack her upside her head and tell her not to waste her life and intelligence recommending outfits to people I don't give a shit about and dealing with crazy people who like to shit in fitting rooms (true story). I know that wisdom comes with experience, and nobody is expected to have that wisdom at 18, but fuck, a drop of common sense would have been helpful. If I had a regular job, with regular hours and the money and opportunities I deserve, I surely wouldn't be in this situation right now.