Caitlyn's kind of a badass. At only a week old, she had her first trip to the pediatrician's office, and by extension, her first vaccination. She cried for about 10 minutes after that first shot and, at that point, it was the worst thing that had ever happened to her (well, besides that whole squeezing blood out of her foot thing at the hospital right after she was born. She was pretty pissed about that), so it was expected. I think it was more the shock that someone was stabbing her for no good reason that bothered her more then anything else, because since that time, she's never cried for more then a minute for any of her shots.
During her next visit, when she was a month old, she had to get 2 shots- one in each leg. She cried during the actual shots and maybe for a minute or two after, but that was about it. By the third set of shots at 3 months old, Caitlyn had decided that it really wasn't that big a deal.
I was prepared for the red-faced screaming, so I stood right next to her, so I could comfort her as soon as possible. She cried a little for each of the two shots she got, but then she did the funniest thing. She looked up at me, her eyes filled with tears and a puzzled expression on her face. It was as if it had just then occurred to her that "hey, this doesn't even hurt anymore, why I am still crying?". She stopped crying right then. And not even in that crying that dissolves into hyperventilating sniffles kind of way. She just dead stopped. I picked her up and she smiled at me.
Even her doctor is impressed with Caitlyn's indifference to pain. She's just a ride-or-die bitch like that. For her last two shots she didn't even whimper, let alone cry. I would venture to say she didn't even notice she got a shot at all. And it's not just shots. Her pediatrician commented once when she had to have her nose swabbed to check for the flu that most kids cried for at least 10 minutes after having that done. Not Caitlyn. She was obviously annoyed by it, and she definitely tried to get away from the swab, but she's just not prone to overreacting about anything. My point is that Caitlyn is hardcore. She laughs in the face of danger and wags a disapproving finger at all the cry babies at the doctor's office.
Keeping all that in mind made it especially traumatic when I accidentally maimed my kid's finger with a nail clipper and she screamed for 15 minutes straight. I knew better, really I did. I couldn't find the baby nail clippers for a week. And by couldn't find, I mean I looked for approximately 10 seconds every time Caitlyn accidentally scratched me with her crazy bird talons. So on that fateful day, I spotted the regular, grown-up nail clippers and convinced myself that it wasn't the worse idea I've ever had.
I have moments like that. Moments where I'm fully aware that I'm making a bad decision. Moments where I'll actively consider NOT doing something stupid. I've gotten better. Nadine once pointed out to me that all the stupid, klutzy things I do are probably proceeded by a moment of clarity when I realize I shouldn't do it (hello, microwaving an egg- I still have the burn scars!). I realized she was right and started listening to my inner voice- the one with common sense that reminds me when something is a terrible idea- and I've injured myself out of sheer stupidity significantly less since then. I slipped though, and this one was pretty bad.
I never wanted Caitlyn to be the victim of my stupidity. I made it all the way to her pinky finger before she started gushing blood and screaming inconsolably. It occurs to me now that she probably would have stopped crying a lot sooner if I hadn't been sobbing hysterically, begging Rodolfo to take us to the hospital. I, clearly, am NOT a ride-or-die bitch.
I was absolutely convinced she was bleeding to death. From her finger. Yeah. When 10 minutes had passed and I still couldn't stop the bleeding, I called my mother, thinking she would talk some sense into Rodolfo. "Babies are SMALL- they don't have that much blood!", she would caution. "Jaclyn's fear is completely warranted". That's not exactly how it went:
Mom: Well, Jaclyn, based on what you have told me, I've got to assume she's not actually gushing a life-threatening amount of blood from a nail clipper injury on her finger.
Me: (through hysterical sobs) YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MOM- I'M COVERED IN BLOOD (maybe one of my fingers was?)!!!
Mom: Maybe you need to calm down, then the baby will calm down too.
Me: HOW CAN I CALM DOWN WHEN NOBODY IS TAKING THIS INJURY SERIOUSLY?!?!
Mom: Well, if you are that worried, why don't you take her to the hospital yourself?
Me: HOW CAN I DO THAT? SHE'S GOING TO BLEED TO DEATH ALL OVER HER CAR SEAT BEFORE WE MAKE IT TO THE HOSPITAL (which, for the record, is roughly 3 miles away)!!!
Mom: Sometimes it just takes a while for bleeding to stop. I think you need to calm down and listen to Rodolfo.
Me: :::CRIES:::
At this point, Rodolfo took Caitlyn away from me. He had made several attempts to take her before this, but I gave him the death-stare every time. I had practically amputated her finger and I needed to make sure she didn't bleed to death. Obviously I couldn't trust a sane person who was in control of the situation to handle that. But I was wiped out and defeated at that point, so I gave in and handed the baby over to her dad.
The moment Caitlyn made it into her dad's arms, she stopped crying and smiled at me. For some reason, that made me irrationally more upset. Like, in that moment I was convinced that she had only been crying to make me feel like a bad mother. I think I got that first period in a year and a half like a week later.
In the end, Caitlyn is obviously fine. Traumatized for life at the hands of her mother, of course. But physically she is going to make it.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Jaclyn 18, Uterus 1
Dear Uterus,
We had a good run. 18 months without a period, that's pretty impressive. I mean, sure I spent about half that time hooked up to a machine that drained milk from my tits, but hey, at least I wasn't staining my underwear. I knew it couldn't last.
Love,
Jaclyn
P.S. Fucking up my milk supply was sort of unnecessary by the way. You don't need to be a bitch about it.
We had a good run. 18 months without a period, that's pretty impressive. I mean, sure I spent about half that time hooked up to a machine that drained milk from my tits, but hey, at least I wasn't staining my underwear. I knew it couldn't last.
Love,
Jaclyn
P.S. Fucking up my milk supply was sort of unnecessary by the way. You don't need to be a bitch about it.
Labels:
unbelievably gross shit
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Judgement
I've always been close with my mom. We talk about everything, and I absolutely always felt like I would model my parenting style after hers. But now, as a parent myself, I realize that you can't be exactly like anyone else. You have to do what's best for you and your kid. It also occurs to me that my mom was a single mom, so she didn't really have to run things by my father and compromise on anything. She did everything exactly how she wanted to do it and didn't have to answer to anyone, including her own mother, who died when I was only a few months old.
I'm not saying I've had a huge shift in my ideas about parenting and I still agree with my mom on the big stuff, but I find myself increasingly annoyed by the little things she judges me for. This all came to a head a few days ago, on Facebook.
My sister had a few people over on New Year's Day. I wouldn't call it a party necessarily, just an impromptu get-together with beers. Ok, that probably sounds like a party. My point is that there was beer. I wasn't drinking, and neither was my husband, but some others did drink a little. Nadine was there too, and she snapped a picture on her phone of Caitlyn in my nephew's high chair. She thought it would be funny to put her beer in the cup holder and snap the shot.
I thought the picture was funny, and that Caitlyn looked exceptionally adorable, so I asked Nadine to post it on Facebook so I could save it when I got home. So that's what she did. This is apparently what my mother saw:
Besides the annoyed comments she left on Nadine's Facebook, she sent me multiple text messages about how I should ask her to immediately remove such a troublesome photo. Someone could see it! And think I'm a bad mother! And call the police! What if my husband and I ever break up? He could use it against me in court! Apparently it's irrelevant that he was there when the picture was taken. Obviously dads are supposed to get drunk and moms are supposed to tend to the kids!
It seems when you become a parent absolutely everyone feels justified in throwing in their 2 cents about how you should raise your kids. I guess I could understand the hoopla if Caitlyn had been DRINKING A BEER in this picture. And it's not as though there's a cocaine-lined mirror and razor blade resting on the high chair in front of her.
If it was just my mom I could just chalk it up to her being opinionated. But everyone loves to tell me everything I'm doing wrong. In fact, my sister and fought today over some stupid shit like this.
Maybe you remember a few months back when I mentioned how my sister and her husband kept commenting how my daughter "should be on a schedule". At the time I worked in retail and with a constantly changing schedule for both me and my husband, it was impossible. And it wasn't only that. I don't necessarily agree with their point of view on schedules. They are so rigid with their son. The way I do things, I just live my life and add my baby to my regular stuff. They do everything around the strict schedule they have my nephew on. "Want to go to lunch?". "Can't, it's nap time- talk to me in 2 hours!". My mom lives a couple of hours away and if they are making a trip they ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT leave before or after a certain time because it will be time for him to eat or sleep or whatever. So if they are running 20 minutes late, they have to push their plans back by 2 hours. Maybe our differences in the way we live our lives is why I feel so fulfilled by my daughter and they seem burdened and exhausted all the time. But whatever, just a theory.
I was going somewhere with this. So now that I'm working a regular schedule, I am trying to get Caitlyn to go to bed a little earlier (meaning before midnight). That means less nap time during the day so she's tired and wants to go to sleep at night. I told this to my sister and she told me she would "try it for a week, but if she's fussy, I'm going to let her sleep as long as she wants". She "tried it" for 2 days and today she decided that she "has to do what is easiest" for her so she will be letting Caitlyn take 2 hour naps as opposed to the 1 hour I talked to her about.
I won't get into all the details of why it's absolutely infuriating, but the thing that pisses me off the most is how hard she pushed on the schedule bullshit early on. Today she actually said to me "well, you didn't want to put her on a schedule when it was inconvenient for me, but now that you are inconvenienced, you want me to make it harder for me". When we argued about schedules the first time around, she was adamant that it wasn't for her benefit, that she simply thought it was "the best thing for Caitlyn". Bitch.
I can't say I've never judged someone's parenting. I've judged my sister. When I told her I would be breastfeeding, she told me it was GROSS and how she would never do that. When I struggled with infertility, she whined about how she wanted a baby way longer then I did because her husband refused to get her pregnant when she was 19, unwed and living with 4 roommates. So when she comments on my parenting, I definitely take a moment and think "wow, I'm a way better parent then you". What I DON'T do is say that shit out loud. She still hasn't learned that lesson, apparently.
I guess I just think people should back the fuck off. I'm a good mom! Caitlyn is happy and lovely and sweet. She loves people and animals and is the most good-natured kid I've ever encountered. Is it possible that I'm doing something right? Mom's of whiny kids (my siiiiiissssster!) take note.
I'm not saying I've had a huge shift in my ideas about parenting and I still agree with my mom on the big stuff, but I find myself increasingly annoyed by the little things she judges me for. This all came to a head a few days ago, on Facebook.
My sister had a few people over on New Year's Day. I wouldn't call it a party necessarily, just an impromptu get-together with beers. Ok, that probably sounds like a party. My point is that there was beer. I wasn't drinking, and neither was my husband, but some others did drink a little. Nadine was there too, and she snapped a picture on her phone of Caitlyn in my nephew's high chair. She thought it would be funny to put her beer in the cup holder and snap the shot.
I thought the picture was funny, and that Caitlyn looked exceptionally adorable, so I asked Nadine to post it on Facebook so I could save it when I got home. So that's what she did. This is apparently what my mother saw:
Besides the annoyed comments she left on Nadine's Facebook, she sent me multiple text messages about how I should ask her to immediately remove such a troublesome photo. Someone could see it! And think I'm a bad mother! And call the police! What if my husband and I ever break up? He could use it against me in court! Apparently it's irrelevant that he was there when the picture was taken. Obviously dads are supposed to get drunk and moms are supposed to tend to the kids!
It seems when you become a parent absolutely everyone feels justified in throwing in their 2 cents about how you should raise your kids. I guess I could understand the hoopla if Caitlyn had been DRINKING A BEER in this picture. And it's not as though there's a cocaine-lined mirror and razor blade resting on the high chair in front of her.
If it was just my mom I could just chalk it up to her being opinionated. But everyone loves to tell me everything I'm doing wrong. In fact, my sister and fought today over some stupid shit like this.
Maybe you remember a few months back when I mentioned how my sister and her husband kept commenting how my daughter "should be on a schedule". At the time I worked in retail and with a constantly changing schedule for both me and my husband, it was impossible. And it wasn't only that. I don't necessarily agree with their point of view on schedules. They are so rigid with their son. The way I do things, I just live my life and add my baby to my regular stuff. They do everything around the strict schedule they have my nephew on. "Want to go to lunch?". "Can't, it's nap time- talk to me in 2 hours!". My mom lives a couple of hours away and if they are making a trip they ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT leave before or after a certain time because it will be time for him to eat or sleep or whatever. So if they are running 20 minutes late, they have to push their plans back by 2 hours. Maybe our differences in the way we live our lives is why I feel so fulfilled by my daughter and they seem burdened and exhausted all the time. But whatever, just a theory.
I was going somewhere with this. So now that I'm working a regular schedule, I am trying to get Caitlyn to go to bed a little earlier (meaning before midnight). That means less nap time during the day so she's tired and wants to go to sleep at night. I told this to my sister and she told me she would "try it for a week, but if she's fussy, I'm going to let her sleep as long as she wants". She "tried it" for 2 days and today she decided that she "has to do what is easiest" for her so she will be letting Caitlyn take 2 hour naps as opposed to the 1 hour I talked to her about.
I won't get into all the details of why it's absolutely infuriating, but the thing that pisses me off the most is how hard she pushed on the schedule bullshit early on. Today she actually said to me "well, you didn't want to put her on a schedule when it was inconvenient for me, but now that you are inconvenienced, you want me to make it harder for me". When we argued about schedules the first time around, she was adamant that it wasn't for her benefit, that she simply thought it was "the best thing for Caitlyn". Bitch.
I can't say I've never judged someone's parenting. I've judged my sister. When I told her I would be breastfeeding, she told me it was GROSS and how she would never do that. When I struggled with infertility, she whined about how she wanted a baby way longer then I did because her husband refused to get her pregnant when she was 19, unwed and living with 4 roommates. So when she comments on my parenting, I definitely take a moment and think "wow, I'm a way better parent then you". What I DON'T do is say that shit out loud. She still hasn't learned that lesson, apparently.
I guess I just think people should back the fuck off. I'm a good mom! Caitlyn is happy and lovely and sweet. She loves people and animals and is the most good-natured kid I've ever encountered. Is it possible that I'm doing something right? Mom's of whiny kids (my siiiiiissssster!) take note.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Christmas Cheer
As Caitlyn's first Christmas came and went, I noticed something that I hadn't really thought 
about before. As a kid, Christmas was special. It was all magic and presents and sugarplums. And that's not to say that as an adult you don't have an appreciation for it, but I just now realized how bogged down I always let myself get in the stress of it all. I'm sure part of it is the fact that this was my first non-retail Christmas in a decade. That alone can ruin the holidays for anyone. But there was something else too. I was seeing it for the first time since I was a kid myself, through the eyes of a child.
I first noticed this year felt different a few weeks ago. I had come home from work and I had a little bit of shopping to do, so Caitlyn and I made our way over to Wal-Mart after I picked her up from my sister's house. Usually, I'm racing through the aisles, grabbing what I need and GETTING THE HELL OUT OF THERE. But I found myself strolling on that particular night. I found that I was picking up a toy and holding it up and seeing if it made Caitlyn giggle. I was in no rush to finish my shopping, I was enjoying it.
As I pushed the shopping cart out to my car after we finished up, I looked up to the sky and noticed it had started to snow. Not even that it had started snowing recently, but that I was seeing the very first flakes fall from the sky. At first I wasn't even sure it was snow, because I only saw one flake, but then there was another and another. By the time I loaded up the car it was full fledged flurrying for the first time that I had seen this year.
I remember stopping in the parking lot, looking up at the sky and the snow and looking down at my precious daughter and feeling like I just witnessed something magical. Just after I paused to look, a little boy and girl had gotten out of their car and I heard the little girl shout with pure joy in her voice "IT'S SNOWING!", and I could remember what it felt like to be a kid at Christmas. I could picture Caitlyn in a few years, excitedly waiting for the first snow of the season. It was fantastic.
Our actual holiday was exactly what I was hoping for. I had been a little concerned, because Rodolfo can be a little bit of a scrooge around the holidays, but when the day actually came, he had that moment of clarity when he realized this was his baby's first Christmas and he'd better not screw it up.
Christmas Eve was spent with his family, as it usually is. Both of our families had a bit of a baby boom this year, so Caitlyn wasn't the only child celebrating her first Christmas in either family. By the time all the guests arrived at Rodolfo's sister's house, the gifts were literally spilling out of her tiny living room. It was quite a sight.
Caitlyn hadn't been feeling great earlier that day and she fussed up a storm and refused to sleep as I wrapped the last of the presents and baked Christmas cookies. So I was at least a little disappointed when she conked out at 9:30pm because I was absolutely certain she was down for the night and would miss the festivities. When midnight rolled around, everyone kissed and hugged and toasted to Christmas. Rodolfo and I snuck away for a moment to kiss our baby girl and wish her a Merry Christmas despite her being in a deep sleep. We walked in the room where she was sleeping and a funny thing happened. She opened her eyes and smiled at me. It was perfect timing. It was as if she knew it was Christmas and she shouldn't miss it. It's especially funny because I had checked on her several times that night and not once did she even stir from her sleep. But it was officially Christmas day, and she woke up at just the right time to join the party, open her presents and bring me the perfect beginning to my Christmas.
Christmas day was spent with my family. When we arrived at my mother's house, it truly felt like Christmas to me. There were the stocking she used every year (with a new stocking for Caitlyn of course), the tree with all the ornaments me and my siblings made at school every year and the warmth and obvious joy that my mother gets from her grandchildren. And there were the presents. Oh so many presents. Her family room was covered, end to end, in toys. Caitlyn opened her presents and played with her toys. We ate cookies, relaxed and basked in the joy of a holiday that I haven't been able to truly appreciate in so long. It was all so very perfect.
about before. As a kid, Christmas was special. It was all magic and presents and sugarplums. And that's not to say that as an adult you don't have an appreciation for it, but I just now realized how bogged down I always let myself get in the stress of it all. I'm sure part of it is the fact that this was my first non-retail Christmas in a decade. That alone can ruin the holidays for anyone. But there was something else too. I was seeing it for the first time since I was a kid myself, through the eyes of a child.I first noticed this year felt different a few weeks ago. I had come home from work and I had a little bit of shopping to do, so Caitlyn and I made our way over to Wal-Mart after I picked her up from my sister's house. Usually, I'm racing through the aisles, grabbing what I need and GETTING THE HELL OUT OF THERE. But I found myself strolling on that particular night. I found that I was picking up a toy and holding it up and seeing if it made Caitlyn giggle. I was in no rush to finish my shopping, I was enjoying it.
As I pushed the shopping cart out to my car after we finished up, I looked up to the sky and noticed it had started to snow. Not even that it had started snowing recently, but that I was seeing the very first flakes fall from the sky. At first I wasn't even sure it was snow, because I only saw one flake, but then there was another and another. By the time I loaded up the car it was full fledged flurrying for the first time that I had seen this year.
I remember stopping in the parking lot, looking up at the sky and the snow and looking down at my precious daughter and feeling like I just witnessed something magical. Just after I paused to look, a little boy and girl had gotten out of their car and I heard the little girl shout with pure joy in her voice "IT'S SNOWING!", and I could remember what it felt like to be a kid at Christmas. I could picture Caitlyn in a few years, excitedly waiting for the first snow of the season. It was fantastic.
Our actual holiday was exactly what I was hoping for. I had been a little concerned, because Rodolfo can be a little bit of a scrooge around the holidays, but when the day actually came, he had that moment of clarity when he realized this was his baby's first Christmas and he'd better not screw it up.
Christmas Eve was spent with his family, as it usually is. Both of our families had a bit of a baby boom this year, so Caitlyn wasn't the only child celebrating her first Christmas in either family. By the time all the guests arrived at Rodolfo's sister's house, the gifts were literally spilling out of her tiny living room. It was quite a sight.
Caitlyn hadn't been feeling great earlier that day and she fussed up a storm and refused to sleep as I wrapped the last of the presents and baked Christmas cookies. So I was at least a little disappointed when she conked out at 9:30pm because I was absolutely certain she was down for the night and would miss the festivities. When midnight rolled around, everyone kissed and hugged and toasted to Christmas. Rodolfo and I snuck away for a moment to kiss our baby girl and wish her a Merry Christmas despite her being in a deep sleep. We walked in the room where she was sleeping and a funny thing happened. She opened her eyes and smiled at me. It was perfect timing. It was as if she knew it was Christmas and she shouldn't miss it. It's especially funny because I had checked on her several times that night and not once did she even stir from her sleep. But it was officially Christmas day, and she woke up at just the right time to join the party, open her presents and bring me the perfect beginning to my Christmas.
Christmas day was spent with my family. When we arrived at my mother's house, it truly felt like Christmas to me. There were the stocking she used every year (with a new stocking for Caitlyn of course), the tree with all the ornaments me and my siblings made at school every year and the warmth and obvious joy that my mother gets from her grandchildren. And there were the presents. Oh so many presents. Her family room was covered, end to end, in toys. Caitlyn opened her presents and played with her toys. We ate cookies, relaxed and basked in the joy of a holiday that I haven't been able to truly appreciate in so long. It was all so very perfect.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thanksgiving
In a nutshell, Thanksgiving was a disappointment this year. That's not to say there weren't good moments, but it wasn't really what I had in mind for Caitlyn's first Thanksgiving. Every year, I go to my mom's, but this year my store pushed our mall to let us open and I had to work. The trade-off being that I could have Christmas Eve off. Caitlyn's first Christmas was definitely higher on the list so I agreed to be one of the two managers who had to work today.
It was a very quiet day. For some reason, my company thought there would be some crazy shopping bonanza but it really did go the other way and we were quiet the majority of the day, with just a few busy hours in the morning. The upside to that was when Rodolfo brought Caitlyn by during my lunch break. There were about 5 customers in the store at that point, so I ran around with Caitlyn, trying outfits on her, picking out the tiniest little fuzzy boots for her Christmas pictures and just generally spazzing out and making her giggle. Actually, it was pretty fun when I think about it.
Tomorrow is Black Friday and I have a 12 hour shift ahead of me. Not looking forward to that. But there is good news. This will be the only Thanksgiving Caitlyn will have without me. I got a new job. A grown-up job that isn't in retail and doesn't require me to miss every holiday and 90% of weekends with my daughter. I'm quite excited.
It was definitely awkward, quitting my retail job a month before Christmas. I had anxiety about it for an entire day before I finally told my boss. She was surprisingly understanding. I explained the part about my family life. Rodolfo and I have been working opposite schedules- literally opposite- we work for the same company and our bosses have been coordinating, to accommodate my sister and her new limitations with babysitting. I realized that I don't have a back-up plan if she decides she doesn't want to do it anymore again. And we have been really driving ourselves crazy trying to keep it all straight. So there's that.
The other part is about opportunities. During my yearly review, I was informed that because I don't have a bachelor's degree, I was no longer in line for any promotions. Ever. The company had decided that you need 4 years of schooling to do what I've been doing for a decade. They weren't taking anyone out of their positions or anything, but I wouldn't be considered for a promotion until I completed the remaning 2 and a half years of schooling I would need for a bachelors. Did I mention they told me this when I was fucking 8 MONTHS PREGNANT??? Yeah... pregnant and $10,000 in debt from fertility treatments. Sounds like an ideal time to go back to school! And ok...not to be bitchy or anything, but seriously, a bachelors to manage a clothing store? Are you fucking serious? It's not brain surgery. They didn't even specify "oh, a bachelors in business management". Nope, turns out any old bachelors will do. I could have a degree in Totally Irrelevant Bullshitology and I could get a promotion.
So I made a decision and I found something better. Something office-y and grown-up, where I have off nights and weekends and fucking Thanksgiving.
It was a very quiet day. For some reason, my company thought there would be some crazy shopping bonanza but it really did go the other way and we were quiet the majority of the day, with just a few busy hours in the morning. The upside to that was when Rodolfo brought Caitlyn by during my lunch break. There were about 5 customers in the store at that point, so I ran around with Caitlyn, trying outfits on her, picking out the tiniest little fuzzy boots for her Christmas pictures and just generally spazzing out and making her giggle. Actually, it was pretty fun when I think about it.
Tomorrow is Black Friday and I have a 12 hour shift ahead of me. Not looking forward to that. But there is good news. This will be the only Thanksgiving Caitlyn will have without me. I got a new job. A grown-up job that isn't in retail and doesn't require me to miss every holiday and 90% of weekends with my daughter. I'm quite excited.
It was definitely awkward, quitting my retail job a month before Christmas. I had anxiety about it for an entire day before I finally told my boss. She was surprisingly understanding. I explained the part about my family life. Rodolfo and I have been working opposite schedules- literally opposite- we work for the same company and our bosses have been coordinating, to accommodate my sister and her new limitations with babysitting. I realized that I don't have a back-up plan if she decides she doesn't want to do it anymore again. And we have been really driving ourselves crazy trying to keep it all straight. So there's that.
The other part is about opportunities. During my yearly review, I was informed that because I don't have a bachelor's degree, I was no longer in line for any promotions. Ever. The company had decided that you need 4 years of schooling to do what I've been doing for a decade. They weren't taking anyone out of their positions or anything, but I wouldn't be considered for a promotion until I completed the remaning 2 and a half years of schooling I would need for a bachelors. Did I mention they told me this when I was fucking 8 MONTHS PREGNANT??? Yeah... pregnant and $10,000 in debt from fertility treatments. Sounds like an ideal time to go back to school! And ok...not to be bitchy or anything, but seriously, a bachelors to manage a clothing store? Are you fucking serious? It's not brain surgery. They didn't even specify "oh, a bachelors in business management". Nope, turns out any old bachelors will do. I could have a degree in Totally Irrelevant Bullshitology and I could get a promotion.
So I made a decision and I found something better. Something office-y and grown-up, where I have off nights and weekends and fucking Thanksgiving.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
6 Months
Today Caitlyn had her 6 month well baby visit and vaccinations. She was officially 6 months old on the 7th. I can't believe how fast the time has gone. I can't picture my life before she was here but it seems so ridiculous that it's been half a year already. I've learned some stuff about myself since she's been born that surprised me. So here what I didn't expect:
1. I'm not really the nursery rhyme type. I sing Taio Cruz songs to Caitlyn and she loves it. And sometimes I start singing any song that pops into my head to her and I have to remind myself that the lyrics aren't really appropriate to sing to a child -If you're having girl problems, I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one. It's especially funny when I use Caitlyn's name instead of the word bitch- that's how I justify singing Jay-Z songs to my infant.
2. I never thought I'd be the type to get competitive with other moms in a playground bitch sort of way but I totally am. I think my kid is better then everyone else's. Cuter and smarter too. And not just in the obligatory way. I truly believe that she is far more advanced then all the dumb babies around me (did I mention that she said mama at 5 months?). And you can't even get mad at me for it. Because you think your kid is better too.
3. I never thought I'd be so concerned about the color, texture and smell of another person's shit. If you are curious, we are currently at the "brown, sticky, elephant" stage- only recently upgraded from "green, chunky, sour".
4. I am, in fact, the type of person who can get sucked in to feeling guilty about wanting to stop breastfeeding. Before Caitlyn was born, I always thought that breastfeeding moms were a little too intense about being anti-formula and how I wouldn't have any qualms about changing Caitlyn over to formula if breastfeeding got to be too difficult. But that's just not the reality. I feel like a bad mom who is putting convenience over what is best for my child. I feel like I would be giving her artifical crap instead of something natural and healthy. I feel intensely protective of the fact that this should be my decision and I shouldn't feel pressured by anyone else to stop breastfeeding. I feel grateful to our pediatrician for telling me I gave Caitlyn a great start, but also a little sad that he was so quick to throw formula samples at me instead of encouraging me to keep giving her breastmilk. I feel so torn.
5. As a kid, I never understood why my mom saw pets as such an inconvenience. It's because they fucking are an inconvenience. I got shit to do, dog.
6. It was quite shocking to realize I married a baby retard. He's the most logical man I know, how is he so bad at this?
7. I can no longer watch the news or movies that have sad storylines involving children. Because I cry like a little bitch baby. Seriously, there was a story on the news tonight about a charity that is doing a coat drive and they were showing the people putting coats on little kids who were standing outside in the cold- apparently previously coatless- and I totally lost my shit.
And now for the things I have learned about Caitlyn:
1. Caitlyn thinks Rodolfo's stern voice is hilarious. Whenever he sounds annoyed about anything she watches him intently and cracks up. This is his punishment from God for being an asshole.
2. She'd rather stand, so please stop trying to sit her down.
3. She doesn't think the pets are an inconvenience, and she regards them with amusement, adoration and just a little too much grabbing of fistfuls of fur.
4. She is a black hole for socks.
5. She has figured out the
best way to clear out her teething induced nasal congestion is to scrunch up her nose and snort. It is quite possibly the cutest and funniest thing I have ever seen.6. She would REALLY love the opportunity to feed herself. Oh, wait, not really. Actually she just wants to knock the entire bowl of cereal out of my hand so the dog can have a treat.
7. She is Baby McGuyver. Today at the doctor's office, I was holding her while talking to the doctor and she was fiddling with my necklace. Then I heard something drop. I looked down and saw my necklace was open and what I had heard dropping was the heart pendant on it. I was sad because it's the necklace my mom gave me shortly after I lost Nicholas, and it has his name on it and a great deal of sentimental value and now it was broken. Or so I thought. When I actually looked at it, I saw that it was NOT broken. My 6 month old daughter unhooked it. How the fuck is that even possible? Apparently she had a paper clip, dental floss and a stick of gum in her diaper. Baby McGuyver!
8. She is just about the greatest thing ever. Seriously. Everyone who meets her thinks she's the most cheerful, hilarious baby they've ever seen. Refer to list 1, point 2.
Labels:
6 months,
breastfeeding,
parenting
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
This is All Bad
I don't know what it is exactly, maybe stress. Work has been crazy, Rodolfo and I have been fighting all the time. So maybe that's why I've been feeling...weird. I lost my Nicholas over a year and a half ago, so most of the time it's not so fresh in my mind. I have moments regularly that I think of him, and I say goodnight to him before bed every day. But the pain has been less intense since Caitlyn has been born.
So I can't quite put my finger on why I keep reliving what happened on the day I found out we lost him and the following day when he was born. I don't think about it constantly or anything, and I can't say I feel depressed exactly, but then something will happen. I'll hear a song that reminds me of that time or I'll look at Caitlyn and think of him and it just hits me with an intensity that I haven't felt in a year.
I still find it shocking. I still can't even fathom that it really happened to me. I think about sitting in the ultrasound room in my old OB's office and hearing her tell me that my son died. I remember the details, I remember how I felt. I remember being so hysterical that I could barely breathe. I remember my doctor telling me that I needed to try to calm down for a few minutes so she could talk to me about what came next. I remember leaving the office that day and realizing that absolutely everyone who was there knew I lost my baby. It occurred to me then that I wasn't sobbing in privacy while my husband and I grieved the loss of our child. I was so loud and so inconsolable that every patient, nurse and receptionist knew that my baby had died.
I remember those days and I feel out of control. I feel like I'm falling apart and my family is falling apart. I feel like everything I love is going to be taken from me and I can't do anything to stop it. When I think of it like that, I really do think this has to do with my marriage. It seems we are at some sort of crossroads. We spent the last 3 years fighting so hard to make it to this point- the supposed "happily ever after" with our beautiful daughter. And now it seems that all we do is fight. We have no common goal to work towards anymore. I hate to think that infertility was the glue holding us together, but now that we are past it we seem to be falling apart.
We both knew long ago that we didn't have much in common. We have opposite personalities- I'm easygoing and fun and he's driven and intense. But I thought we were happy. I've always felt we balanced each other out, but now I'm not so sure. I don't know where we go from here. I just feel lost.
So I can't quite put my finger on why I keep reliving what happened on the day I found out we lost him and the following day when he was born. I don't think about it constantly or anything, and I can't say I feel depressed exactly, but then something will happen. I'll hear a song that reminds me of that time or I'll look at Caitlyn and think of him and it just hits me with an intensity that I haven't felt in a year.
I still find it shocking. I still can't even fathom that it really happened to me. I think about sitting in the ultrasound room in my old OB's office and hearing her tell me that my son died. I remember the details, I remember how I felt. I remember being so hysterical that I could barely breathe. I remember my doctor telling me that I needed to try to calm down for a few minutes so she could talk to me about what came next. I remember leaving the office that day and realizing that absolutely everyone who was there knew I lost my baby. It occurred to me then that I wasn't sobbing in privacy while my husband and I grieved the loss of our child. I was so loud and so inconsolable that every patient, nurse and receptionist knew that my baby had died.
I remember those days and I feel out of control. I feel like I'm falling apart and my family is falling apart. I feel like everything I love is going to be taken from me and I can't do anything to stop it. When I think of it like that, I really do think this has to do with my marriage. It seems we are at some sort of crossroads. We spent the last 3 years fighting so hard to make it to this point- the supposed "happily ever after" with our beautiful daughter. And now it seems that all we do is fight. We have no common goal to work towards anymore. I hate to think that infertility was the glue holding us together, but now that we are past it we seem to be falling apart.
We both knew long ago that we didn't have much in common. We have opposite personalities- I'm easygoing and fun and he's driven and intense. But I thought we were happy. I've always felt we balanced each other out, but now I'm not so sure. I don't know where we go from here. I just feel lost.
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