IVF is Fun Like a Roller Coaster is Fun Until Someone Falls Out

This weekend was kind of a busy one. I helped Nadine move on Saturday, then came home all jealous of her fancy new place and decided that I couldn't wait another second before getting my house in order.

The thing is, I've lived in my current apartment for 2 and a half years. And I'm just getting around to this shit now. It isn't my fault, exactly. You see, the thing is that I moved in February of 2009. I was 5 months pregnant with my son and vomitting and exhausted pretty much constantly. Then there were the 6 months after that pregnancy ended. Obviously there were emotional issues which made me not give a fuck about my house. Then there was IVF #2. Lemme break down my IVF cycle for you, to give you an idea of what I was dealing with:

Step 1: 2 weeks- birth control pills. They do this to stop your eggs from starting to mature because they want them all to be at the same level so you get more than one egg when you start stimulation. My body was not happy about this. I pretty much had what was essentially PMS for these 2 weeks. Murderous fury raged through my body. I hated everything.

Step 2: Stimulation. I actually had this easier than most IVFers. I did a minimal stimulation protocol which means I used Clomid instead of all the scary injections. But here's the thing about Clomid: You know those barren ovaries from 2 weeks ago? Yeah, they are in crazy estrogen mode now. Your body is flooded with crazy. All you can think about is ice cream and procreating. You pass by a high school and see a 17 year old on a skateboard and think how he's probably got healthy sperm. And you muse about how easy it would be to get a 17 year old to impregnate you. Way easier than IVF, that's for sure. Oh sure, he might be a little turned off by the sweating and irrational mood swings and maniacal cackling, but he would get over it. And you were going to Babies R Us anyway... I bet you could just buy him a video game and offer some poon and he would totally go for it.

Step 3: Monitoring. Technically this is part of the stimulation process, but it's just so fucking laborious that it needs to be it's own step. It went a little something like this: Go to the doctor, have blood drawn, drop trou and get violated by the dildogram. Go to work and wait several hours to get results and find out when your next appointment is. Phone obviously rings while a customer or your boss is standing in front of you and you have to excuse yourself to check on your eggs. Receive call, obsess. Repeat at next appointment, 4 days later. Repeat at following appointment 2 days after that. Repeat at appoinment after that, another 2 days later. Repeat another day after that. And the next day too. Oh wait...is it finally time for your retrieval? Perfect! I'm sure my job will be fine with 2 days notice. Oh and that Lupron nasal spray that tastes like a dead cat? SERIOUSLY, I've been looking forward to it!

Step 4: Egg Retrieval. Oh, how to put this delicately? Stirrups. Giant needle through your vaginal wall and into your ovary. Suck out contents of ovary. Repeat on the other side (did I mention that you aren't sedated? Yeah, a low dose Valium sounds totally appropriate here). But hey, you get the immediate satisfaction of knowing that they were able to retrieve eggs from all 3 of your mature follicles... but hey now, what's that about a "broken" egg? What the fuck is THAT supposed to mean? God, embryologists are SO fucking vague.

Step 5: Did you think monitoring was something fun to obsess about? Oh, yeah that was nothing. Did the eggs fertilize? Oh yeah. OK good. Except for that one broken one. I guess I should have expected that. Are they growing? Are they growing FAST enough? When are we scheduling the embryo transfer? Oh what's that? Only one of them made it past day 2? Fuck. One shot...

Step 6: Wait a fucking month. This isn't the usual, but Clomid can mess with implantation and I didn't get pregnant on my first fresh cycle, so my RE recommended freezing the embryo at day 5 and waiting a month (I should also mention that we went through all the motions of a cycle right up to scheduling a retrieval the month before this but cancelled at the last minute because we just had a bad feeling and something seemed...off).

Step 7: Bleed. Call doctor, start monitoring. Again.

Step 8: Finally, FINALLY schedule embryo transfer. Hope embryo survives thaw. Like half of them don't, in case you were wondering. Wouldn't that just be a bitch.

Step 9: More stirrups. Giant squirty straw. One live embryo, described by the nurse as "beautiful".

Step 10: More fucking waiting. Oh, and don't test at home because we gave you a shot of hormones that will turn the test positive even if you aren't pregnant. Oh and did we mention how we don't think you have had enough hormones in your body for the last couple of months? Take this estrogen and shove these progesterone suppositories into your vagina twice a day. They will give you symptoms to make you think you are pregnant even if you aren't. Oh, and they are gonna leak and stain your undies. Do you feel sexy and fertile yet?

Step 11: Test at home anyway. Feel excited but not too excited because it's-probably-just-the-shot when the test turns positive.

Step 12: Blood pregnancy test. Wait half a day to get results. Cry like a little baby bitch when they tell you that, yes, in fact you ARE pregnant. Mom doesn't appreciate it when you call her sobbing with GOOD news.

Step 13: Don't get your hopes up just yet bitch. Remember the last time you were pregnant?

Step 14: Schedule appointment with new OB. Start on blood thinners and baby aspirin because maybe you have a clotting problem seeing as how you had a late term loss last time.

Step 15: 7 week ultrasound with fertility doctor (RE). All is well. Baby has a heartbeat.

Step 16: 8 week ultrasound. Is that bleeding? Yeah. Sometimes that indicates an impending miscarriage. Fingers crossed, bitches.

Step 17: Be pregnant. Don't have a miscarriage. Don't eat deli meat. Call doctor crying because you didn't know the fondue cheese dip had liquor in it and you are pretty sure you are going to have a miscarriage. Finally stop vomitting at 16 weeks. Call doctor crying because you are pretty sure you are having a miscarriage. Baby starts sleeping in cycles. Call doctor crying during all sleep cycles because you are pretty sure you are having a miscarriage.

Step 18: Have a baby. Who would have thought? Baby is lovely and perfect. Spend first 3 months of her life imagining every horrible thing that could happen to her. Wake up in the night frequently to make sure she is still breathing (I still do this sometimes).

Step 19: Exclusively pump for 9 months, because this baby will not goddamn latch.

Step 20: Finally relax and enjoy motherhood. Maybe now you have time to address this shithole you live in? Fucking lazy whore...

So seriously people, don't judge me. I DID get around to it eventually. How do we feel about yellow?