Fuck. I really was planning on posting something a little... I don't know, funny? Not completely depressing maybe? I guess I'm just not in the right frame of mind to be funny again just yet.
Anyway, this weekend I had a little trial run of my near future. Nadine was going out of town and asked me to stay at her house and watch her cat while she was away. Besides that, she knew I could use a break from home. And so Caitlyn and I went and spent the weekend on our own.
You guys? It was fucking depressing and lonely. Everyone keeps telling me it will pass, this sadness about being alone for the first time in my life. But I'm struggling.
I suppose it's normal. Divorce isn't an easy thing. The thing is, I had such a nice time on vacation. Stress-free and relaxing and a break from the constant strain in my marriage. I guess I sort of expected it to be more like that. Except, well, I'm NOT on vacation anymore. I'm not surrounded by my friends all the time. I have responsibilities that I'm used to sharing that I now have to deal with on my own. And it sucks.
Part of it is that Rodolfo has been nicer to me since I told him I was leaving him than he's been in the last 6 years. He doesn't bust my balls about every little thing I do. I'm not constantly being picked apart. I have to keep reminding myself that this is the exception and not the rule. That he's being pleasant because he no longer has a stake in my life and so he doesn't care what I do.
This afternoon, we made our way back home and my car died on the highway. I tried my dad (yes, he's an asshole but an asshole with at least minor knowledge about car trouble) and then my sister. My dad wasn't answering his phone and my sister was at the zoo with her son. She was willing to come pick up me and Caitlyn, but I knew I couldn't leave my car on the side of the road. And so I caved and called Rodolfo. He left work to come help, and when he couldn't get my car home, he called a tow truck and drove us home.
A big part of the problem in my marriage has always been Rodolfo's insistence that I am incapable of doing anything "right". My car has always been one of the things he liked to bust my balls about. He would yell at me if he found a mess in my car. He would call me irresponsible if I went even a few miles over the recommended mileage for an oil change. He would insist that I shouldn't take my car more than a few miles because it was "about to die at any minute" (for the record, he's been saying that any time I went further than 10 miles for the last 4 years).
My point is that it was really hard for me to call him today and ask for his help. I hung up with him and started to cry. I felt like a failure. I half expected him to show up and ask me how I thought I could survive without him if I couldn't even get my car home without his help. He didn't say any of that, of course. No. He did what he always does: he fixed the problem and made sure Caitlyn and I were safe.
Sometimes it feels really hard to walk away from someone who always makes sure we are safe. And so I have to remind myself. I can do this on my own. It isn't a failure to call and ask for his help when his daughter is in the car too. Because before I met him, I wouldn't have called anyone crying. I'd have figured it out on my own. Because back then I believed I could do it on my own. And I know I can feel that way again. It's just going to take some time to adjust.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
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2 comments:
Don't beat yourself up because your called Rodolfo, okay? Your first instinct was to call him to ask for help, and that is natural -- after all, you've been with him for 7 years. You've learned to depend on him for certain things.
If it's any consolation, after I'd moved out (my ex and I split, too) and I was having computer problems, I called my ex, too (he owns a computer store, is a techie, etc), because I was used to handing over that responsibility to him. It's a hard mindset to break free of, but you will be able to do it.
So, take stock in what you've learned, and move on from there. Make sure you have a couple of tow truck phone numbers nearby, and maybe paying for AAA membership, if you can afford it, might be in order.
BTW, you can go over the recommended mileage for an oil change (my Dad's a retired mechanic, and we *always* went over the recommended mileage). The trick is to not go over it by too many miles (100 is probably ok, 10,000 is not :-) ).
It's not easy to train yourself not to rely on someone to help you out in a jam, but honestly, it's so much more rewarding when you realize that you accomplished something all on your own.
Janene is right. You called him because that is what you know, but like I told you yesterday, Rodolfo doesn't OWN the only tow truck in town. As someone who had a vehicular emergency recently, I know what it's like in the moment, you can't really think so straight so you just rely on your first instinct, and that's to call who you have been trained to.
I called Mike when I freaked out about locking the keys in the car... not so much for the "come and get me" aspect but the "what do I do now" since I couldn't think. And what I learned from THAT is we need to stop, take a breath, and realize it's not the end of the world and think for ourselves, even in an emergency. Because clear-headed Mike couldn't even remember that we had AAA and roadside assistance from our insurance.
You can do things on your own. You know you can. You've just been trained to think that you can't for the past 7 years. If your car would have died before you met Rodolfo, would you have also just died, or lived your life on the side of the road never to be heard from again? No.
You're awesome. It's a broke car that's gonna get fixed and you live and learn. You can thank Rodolfo for his help just as much as you'd thank me or anyone else but you don't owe him and you can live without him in your life even though this happened.
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