Friday, September 23, 2011

The Early Bird Gets the Taxidermied Cat (because you have to order those things WAY in advance)

Last year at Christmas, Caitlyn was only 7 months old. I was just getting out of my retail job at the beginning of December and I didn't really have a chance to fully appreciate just how awesome it was to not have to kill myself for the entire month.

When it came to Christmas shopping, I mostly did it in bursts. I'd spend my lunch hour shopping at my mall or I'd go to Walmart after work and try to get gifts for as many people as possible so I could avoid going to the store more than a few times. Caitlyn got a few toys, but I really didn't go overboard. I mean, my mom certainly did. I quite literally needed 2 cars to get home with all the stuff she bought. But I knew she was getting a ton of stuff, so maybe that's why I only bought a few things.

This year though, I'm truly looking forward to the holidays like I haven't been able to in years. And it's perfect timing because Caitlyn is now old enough to really enjoy them with me. My point is that I've started thinking about shopping for Christmas much earlier than I ever have before (mostly because I'm finally not dreading it), which got me to wondering what I should get her this year.

I know I want to get her a toy kitchen. Mostly because then maybe she will stop taking things out of my cabinets. And maybe a tricycle, though I'm not sure if she's really old enough for that yet. Besides those two things though, I'm kind of lost. So I started thinking about her interests. What does Caitlyn like? How can I leverage that into the perfect Christmas gift? So based on her current interests and hobbies, here is my list of possible appropriate gifts:

1. A Taxidermied Cat: Because she loves the living one SO MUCH, but she always runs away when Caitlyn tries to use her as a pillow! And fake stuffed animals just aren't the same!

2. Rock Climbing Lessons: Because the desk chair, baseboard heaters, kitchen table and her crib are no longer challenging her inner monkey. I supposed we will have to find a REALLY small harness, but it will be worth it if this in any way sets a fear of heights into motion. Because fuck kid, you are currently a fearless maniac.

3. Assorted Chew Toys and 500 Ice Pops: See The Teething Monster.

4. A Copy of "The Dukan Diet": Because it's all the rage now, and Caitlyn seems very concerned about keeping her girlish figure. The other night we had chicken, french fries and salad for dinner. After several failed attempts to get her to eat both chicken and fries, she pointed to my salad and said "puh-puh-puh" (this is Caitlyn for "please", because I'm the kind of mom who teaches my kid to be civilized and shit). I scoffed, but handed her a piece of lettuce thinking she would realize it was not candy and maybe decide to eat some chicken. Except she decided that lettuce was delicious and the only thing she was willing to eat that night. So I suspect she is already on a diet and I wouldn't want to derail that by offering her fat people food like french fries ever again. Actually... wait a minute. Did she just call me fat? Because I definitely WAS eating the french fries. I don't need your judgment, you freakishly tiny child!

5. An Ipod Touch: Because she loves to dance. This is a responsible purchase for a less than 2 year old, right? I mean, they have droolproofing or some shit, don't they? Stupid "genius" motherfuckers can pack 2,000 songs onto something the size of the palm of my hand but they can't create a droolproof case? Geniuses my ass.

6. Something That Brown People Like: Because she has recently been spotted being inappropriately loud in public, laughing at everything like someone just told OMGTHEBESTJOKEEVER, scowling at me as she openly disapproves of my choices, regardless of whether or not I've asked for her opinion and disregarding the fact that SOME people have jobs to go to in the morning. So... Coronas? I don't know. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

So what are you guys getting your kids this year? What else does Caitlyn need, because I'm pretty sure 2 taxidermied cats would be overkill.


Jen said...

Ritalin. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Anonymous said...

Might I suggest in lieu of the taxidermied cat . . . a pillow pet? Because:

"It's a pillow. It's a pet. It's a pillow pet."

You can not go wrong with marketing genius like that.

Also, at this age they like those obnoxious riding/walking lights blinking stupid sound making train/airplane/lawn mower type things. Have any idea what I'm talking about? You will.

Jaclyn said...


And Jen. You are a fucking genius, as per usual.

Mother Knows Best Reviews said...

Check FB, we just put together Alice's kitchen! It was her gift that we got because accident insurance paid off big for her broken arm. Guess one of us learned the moral of that story.

We have this Lil Tikes push tricycle thing we got for her birthday. At first you push it, then eventually you take off the handlebar and she pedals. It is kind of awesome.

No clue what we are doing for Christmas. Probably replacement pans and food after she loses all the current stuff.

P.S. - she freaking loves both items, Caitlyn surely will.

Front Desk Ninja said...

Building blocks. Those big ones that aren't lego and more of a challenge to choke on. I got my niece those bad boys for Christmas two years ago and she went apeshit for them.

I may have also enjoyed building castles for her to wreck....

Jaclyn said...

Building blocks, hmmm... she DOES love to destroy shit! I think we have a winner.