Tuesday, September 13, 2011

If I Were Smart, I Wouldn't Make a Separate Post for AIDS Jokes

First of all, if you haven't read this post, please do so before you read any further. Because this post contains quite a few offensive jokes about AIDS and I think you have to understand the context of why these jokes even came about to understand why I am not the worst person in the world. I don't need the angry townsfolk chasing me with torches and shit.

Did you read it? Ok, if you aren't going to read it let me at least give you the short version: My dad is the most ignorant person on the planet and has an irrational fear of getting AIDS despite not having been laid in 2 decades and never having been an IV drug user. He IS a frequent user, however, of used mattresses, so he feels this fear is warranted. The following transpired on Facebook after I had to explain to him for the umpteenth time all the ways he CAN'T get AIDS.

My original status: Every time I talk to my dad, I feel like a Public Service Announcement for AIDS awareness. I always have to explain to him the ways you can't get AIDS.

Nadine: he probably has feline AIDS (this is an ongoing joke because I once found that someone had written in Sharpie on a seat on my train that "Jerry has feline AIDS).

Me: that's unfair. Jerry has feline AIDS.

Nadine: Your dad has bedbug AIDS.

Me: Did you know that if you go to Africa and get bitten by a mosquito, you automatically have AIDS?

Nadine: You get AIDS if you watch Philadelphia more than twice.

Me: Anyone who has ever cleaned a public toilet has AIDS.

Nadine: Anyone who has ever USED a public toilet has AIDS.

Me: Anyone who has ever shook hands with anyone who has ever used a public toilet has AIDS.

Nadine: We're maybe going to hell by the way.

Me: Yes, I was just thinking about how tasteless this entire thread is.

Nadine: If a cat licks your finger when you point at it, you might have feline AIDS.

Me: Did you know that it's legally required of you to have AIDS if your job is to draw blood?

Nadine: If the groundhog doesn't see his shadow on February 2nd, it's because he has AIDS.

Me: If you eat at the same restaurant as someone who has AIDS and you get the fork they used, you totally get AIDS from it.

Me: Little known fact: The Easter bunny has AIDS.


Nadine: If you ever got to Pittsburgh you have AIDS.

Nadine: Because it's a filthy needle town.

Me: Did you realize that AIDS can be carried through electrical current? That's why if you get struck by lightning, you kind of hope you die, because if you don't you are going to have AIDS anyway.

Me: And according to Facebook, "Lil Wayne" is related to my post... which leads me to believe that if you go to a Lil Wayne concert, you have AIDS. Which, by the way, you totally deserve for being a Lil Wayne fan.

Nadine: Common grammatical errors involving your/you're, their/there/they're are side effects of AIDS.

Me: The smell emitted by skunks? AIDS juice.

Nadine: If you legally purchase a Kelly Clarkson CD, they give you complimentary AIDS at the register. If you download it, you get computer AIDS.

Bernadette: Nadine, I'm pretty sure you got AIDS that time you bought the Karen Gross CD.

Nadine: Ugh. I was drunk. I felt bad for her. Now I have AIDS. Damn.

Me: And Chlamydia, from that Katy Perry song on your ipod.

Sal: Or butt sex.

Me: I think my friends are fantastic because somehow no one is offended by this.

Nadine: September 11th is the one day of the year where you can merrily make all the AIDS jokes your heart desires.

Me: Mike (Nadine's bf), I know you got jokes. How come you never add to my really offensive shit?

Sal: He's too busy getting AIDS.

Me: HAHAHAHAHA. Mike has the AIDS, people. He got it from being a Columbian coke mule (because how can I be TRULY offensive if I don't make at least ONE racist comment, right?).

Me: You are making my life, Sal.

Sal: You know what doesn't? Feline AIDS.

Me: I heard you can get feline AIDS from sharing a litter box with a cat. Which Mike obviously does.

Sal: I heard they lick each other clean...

Me: No swapping bodily fluids! That's like AIDS Gettin' 101.

Nadine: Little Guy (her cat) got feline AIDS when Daisy (my cat) tried to de-flower him.

And finally... to end the conversation, for the AIDS joke of all AIDS jokes... my hilarious sister, A.

A: Seriously Jac, I feel the same way. Lol (so majestic, so understated. I wish I could be this funny.).

FIN. No torches, okay? You guys promised!


Anonymous said...

I am truly and horrifically offended by the crassness and insensitivity of these comments. Oh shit, and now that gave me AIDS!

Jen said...

"Teacher says: every time a bell rings, an angel gets AIDS."

-It's A Wonderful Fucking AIDS-filled Life

Jaclyn said...

I love you guys so very much.

Jen said...

Right back atcha, my dear! :)

Mother Knows Best Reviews said...

I can't read this due to AIDS- related glaucoma. What did she say?

Jaclyn said...

HAHAHAHA. OMG Angie. I love you so very much!

Mother Knows Best Reviews said...

And I you!!

Jen said...

Oh my God, I saw this the other day and thought of you:

Jaclyn said...

Wow, Jen. That is impressively horrific.

Also, I still haven't gotten any hate mail so I guess a lot of Baptists read my blog. They know the TRUTH(tm? really?) about the AIDS.

And I noticed you deleted your post about breastfeeding, which makes me think you did receive hate mail for saying "I don't feel comfortable seeing titties in public"... yet somehow people are all cool with AIDS jokes. It's funny how that works out. Also, probably a LOT more people read your blog than mine :)

Jen said...

I didn't get a lotta love for it, that's for damn sure! LOL. . .c'est la vie.

Unknown said...

Yo, I read Jen's post (I think... I probably clicked from here). Was it about not wanting to see tittays out in Denny's?

Cuz I totally agree. Them's not the titties anyone wants to see in public. I hate the make-a-point people, who you KNOW are just whipping out their tits to be like IT IS MY RIGHT, FUCK Y'ALL. Fuck them. I hope they know that public breastfeeding gives them AIDS.

Jaclyn said...

Yes Nadine. Denny's tits. I commented on her post too. I was saying how I kind of get it after breastfeeding Caitlyn. Because you remember how I wanted to spite breastfeed her till she was 2 because everyone was trying to fucking derail me? So on that level I do get it that some people need to made to understand that you don't give a shit about their problems with it- like when I flipped on my boss for bitching that I was taking too long to pump. She had it coming. But yeah, if the kid isn't an infant, I don't really see the need to breastfeed at a fucking Denny's.