Friday, September 9, 2011

The Reach-Around. For Diapers.

I keep telling myself "post something funny on your blog today". And then I read other people's blogs instead because apparently other people have funny things to say.

So here's what I've got:

You know how sometimes it is required of you to take off your bra without taking off your shirt? This is a skill you probably learned in your teens, when second base was usually reached after 3 Smirnoff Ices and possibly in a car or a park or somewhere you can't really take your shirt off. So you mastered the ole' reach around. Wait. Not THAT kind of reach around. The kind where you unhook your bra and pull it out of your sleeve and the dude thinks you are a fucking magician because he just spent the last 20 minutes trying and failing to unhook it.

I certainly still take my bra off like this today, but the circumstances are considerably less interesting. Usually its when I just get home from work and my underwire has been digging into my back fat all day and I'm all "OMG I NEED TO GET THIS SHIT OFF ME RIGHT NOW". And then you walk around the rest of the day braless and wonder if it really does make your tits sag. Or maybe that was just the breastfeeding. Or the 60lbs you've gained since high school. There are so many reasons why your 30 year old tits sag more than your 18 year old ones. So. Many. Reasons.

Anyway. Back to the point. Houdini-ing off a bra was a skill I learned young (especially since I had to start wearing one when I was 11 and already most of the way to a C cup). Caitlyn does not yet wear bras, but I suspect she already instinctively knows how to do the Reach Around.

The reason I know this is because Caitlyn has recently decided that wearing a diaper is against everything she believes in. I mean, the CAT doesn't wear a diaper, and she surely believes in the cat. Neither do any of the members of the Fresh Beat Band, though I suspect Twist is about 3 brain cells away from being legally retarded, so maybe he wears one under his spectacular black jeans and yellow hoodie. Who knows.

My point is that diapers are apparently the most annoying thing ever, as of the last week or so. This isn't uncommon with babies. They all reach a point where they realize those shitty little velcro straps are REALLY easy to undo. For most parents, this is a relatively easy fix. Onesies cut off access to those straps. So do pants. Except...

I knew pants weren't the answer. Caitlyn has been taking her pants off since she was 5 or 6 months old. So I went the onesie route. And then I found out that she can pull her diaper out of the leg holes of her onesie like a hormonal teenager removing her bra through the arm holes of her Miley Cyrus tank top in the back seat of a Chevy.

She usually keeps pants on during the day now though, so I caved and tried the pants. She didn't need to take those off either to successfully remove her diaper. I present Exhibit A:

Notice how she's holding her diaper AND wearing shorts? Yeah. Duct tape. That's my new game plan.


Anonymous said...

Hahaha duct tape would SO be my solution as well.

Jaclyn said...

My mom suggested it. And then emphasized that no, in fact she was not joking and that duct tape seems to be the only solution.

Jen said...

Duct tape ain't got nuthin' on the staple gun, Babe.

Mother Knows Best Reviews said...

Why do they present Twist as a total moron? If I were that actor, I would shut that crap down. Also don't like new Merena.

Jaclyn said...

Duh Angie. It's because they are trying to represent ALL the minorities- mentally handicapped included!

Jaclyn said...

Also, I agree about Marina. New Marina is a fake ass bitch. I bet the carpet doesn't even match the drapes.

Unknown said...

i don't know about this fresh beat band. i watch porn in the middle of the day. talk about a fresh beat AY-O.


the captcha code for this was "slore."

Britt said...

She is going to be very popular.
Consider homeschooling.

Jaclyn said...

@Britt - I think her dad would be all about homeschooling. He's already threatened her future boyfriends with a baseball bat.

wagthedad said...

Holy shit, my kids never did that. That is so fucking awesome. Unless you have to clean up afterward, of course.