Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Things That Are Irritating Me

I'm feeling really annoyed today, for no good reason. And, to answer your next question, NO, I do not have PMS. And if you ask me again, I WILL cut you. Here is a list, in no particular order, of things that are pissing me off today:
  • The dog. Why does he have to track his shit across the yard? No seriously. He spends 10 minutes finding the perfect spot to shit in, only to scootch along in his dump squat for an additional 5 minutes leaving me a trail of steaming nuggets to follow. WHY DOG?
  • The husband. Specifically, the candy he has eaten from my... I mean, CAITLYN's trick-or-treat stash. I should probably mention that he neither tricked nor treated. The one who drags the toddler from house to house begging for free candy has FIRST FUCKING DIBS. I'm just saying.
  • The people at the lollipop company. Because you know how Capri Sun is the best juice ever and its clear (what, I'm the only adult who still drinks Capri Sun? Fuck you guys)? In fact, I think the lack of artificial colors is part of what makes it superior. So why, lollipop guys, do you think every lollipop you make needs red or blue dye? Oh, because you love ruining my kid's clothes? FUCK YOU. You are all dead to me. Also, oompa-loompas.
  • The people you send a Facebook invite to for an event you are planning and even though you have been ASSURED that they are coming, they just fucking let it sit in their notifications and NEVER respond (yeah, I'm looking at you MIKE). WHY CAN'T YOU JUST CLICK THE LITTLE BUTTON THAT SAYS "I'm attending"? WHY DO YOU HATE ME?
  • And speaking of that last one, I might as well throw the year 2012 onto this list. The event I'm planning is a vacation thing for myself and my friend because we are both turning 30 next year and instead of killing ourselves, we are simply going to get drunk for a week straight and try not to drown in the pool.
  • Chocolate. We have a love-hate relationship. I'd love to be someone's cat for a year and only have access to the food they give me, in the portions they give, so I do not have to answer to my dark master on the daily. Halloween, you are certainly NOT helping with this endeavor.
  • People who can't answer a fucking text message. Because I just fucking hate you, okay. Stop being a dick and get back to me.


Mother Knows Best Reviews said...

Alice had her first sucker while getting her bangs trimmed. Shirt. Ruined.

AbsoluteMommy said...

Lollipops are the devils work on clothes, carpets, blankets, and Barbie hair. Sent straight from Satan himself along with those lollipop kids... Seriously the shit nightmares are made of.
Also if I were you I'd hide the candy in your tampon box, because if your husband is anything like mine, he would never touch it ever.
Finally I'm very green with envy at this vacay... Without kids, in a booze coma. Plan it, do it, enjoy it.
Also if fuckers can't respond to the event, and show up anyway, tell them they are shit out of luck since they didn't respond to the facebook event. Assholes.
Lots of love forever,

Jaclyn said...


@Megan- The tampon box idea is GENIUS. And as much as I'm looking forward to my booze coma, I kinda feel like a horrible mother for planning to leave my child for a week to get drunk.

Anonymous said...

I would never suggest you were PMSing. Wouldn't think of it. Doesn't sound like that at all!

First, do not feel guilty about leaving your kid. That does not make a bad mother, that makes the BEST POSSIBLE MOTHER, EVER! I am totally not joking about this or even being sarcastic (I know, really, it's me). And here is why . . . as a mother that does every fucking thing for her kid, you need time every once in a while to get away from said kid to recharge yourself and just have fun and be YOU and not MOMMY. It is essential for mental health and good parenting. Do not let me hear you again say you feel guilty for leaving that kid, unless you are leaving her in the car whilst getting a mani/pedi, because then we have to talk. Otherwise? If she is properly taken care of during that time, she will be fine, you will be fine, you will miss each other, but it will be the best fucking thing you can do for you AND for her. The End.

**stepping off preachy soap-box . . . now** :)

Jaclyn said...

@misty- you know, it's funny because I wrote this a few days ago, so I went back to reread it to find out exactly how crazy I sounded when I talked about the guilt, and how every time I think about leaving my child for a week I feel like I might cry. And then I realized that I didn't even need to say it. Because EVERY OTHER MOTHER ON THE PLANET knows I feel guilty without my ever having to say it. Thanks for understanding and responding to my only thinly-veiled crazy :)