Friday, November 11, 2011

A Pot to Piss In

As I've mentioned before, we recently decided to start potty training Caitlyn. She just turned 18 months this week, so it admittedly seemed a little soon, but my personal philosophy is to do things on her timetable and not my own, and she was showing signs that she was ready.

The primary sign was when she started taking off her diaper and pissing on my rug. The dog has really been enjoying this phase because Caitlyn leaves her diapers lying around where he can get to them (like how I just blamed my toddler for the fact that I'm a slob and leave her diapers where ever she happens to take them off? Yeah. Solid Gold Parenting, right there) and he has a delicious diaper feast.

I can't say I understand the lure of a piss soaked diaper, but Joey seems to find them exceptionally delicious. The problem is, I think it's going to make his intestines explode one day.

Have you ever seen a diaper that has been ripped open? You know how the guts are all grainy and disgusting and when they get wet, they bloat up and look like flesh-gorged maggots? Yeah. Imagine that, except in the dog's shit.

The first time he shit out diaper maggots, I about had a fucking heart attack. I was convinced he had some sort of wormy parasites, which is, by the way, like my worst fucking fear. Because worms are just... ick. Fucking icky, slimy, nasty motherfuckers. But then I realized it was just from the diaper he had eaten. And then he shit 5 more times in a row, because the whole purpose of diapers is to ABSORB and so they absorbed the FUCK out of his intestinal juices, apparently, and grew to at least triple the volume of what he had actually eaten.

Lets say he eats a diaper that is mostly dry (which is usually the case, as Caitlyn has a rug to destroy). The diaper maggots are small when he eats them, but then they bloat up in his intestines and he's sliming them out of his ass for the next half hour. I'm pretty much asking for a doggie intestinal explosion, you know? It's like the dog equivalent of Pop Rocks and soda.

Wow. This post has devolved really quickly. The intent was to talk about Caitlyn's potty training progress and somehow I've written almost entirely about the dog's anus. Time to get back on track? Unless you want to hear more about diaper maggots...

Anyway. So Caitlyn and potty training. She loves her new potty. And by loves, I do not mean she loves to use it for its intended purpose. She loves to use it as a stool next to the desk, so she can reach all the things I've put up there to keep away from her. She loves to dump it over and push the button on the bottom that plays music (which is intended to be a reward for peeing in it. So much for that). She loves to pull the little bowl out and hide it under the couch. She loves to lounge on it, fully clothed or not.

What Caitlyn doesn't love to do is pee in her new potty. She seems to understand that she's supposed to sit down when I tell her to use her potty, but she usually gets bored after a minute of sitting there and so she will get up and wander around until she's ready to pee on the rug.

I haven't been particularly bothered by any of this. Caitlyn's still young, and I have a dog, so I'm used to cleaning bodily fluids off of my carpet. And I didn't expect it to be easy. I HOPED that it would be, but I knew that was a long shot. And then it happened: a breakthrough!

The other day I was in the kitchen, making dinner. Rodolfo was in the bedroom... I don't know- not watching Caitlyn? He walked back into the living room where she had been playing and I heard him ask her why she was naked. That's when he noticed it. Pee. On her potty. Please note that I did not say IN.

As I said before, Caitlyn has a tendency to take the little bowl out of her potty and hide it. She does this constantly and she hadn't actually used her potty yet, so I didn't always bother to put it back right away. Until that day when, completed unprompted, Caitlyn took off her diaper, sat down on her potty and peed ... through the hole where the bowl should have been. I always put it back right away now. But obviously she has not peed on her potty since then.

We have a few kinks to work out as far as explaining how a potty actually works and what the purpose of the potty is (not pissing on my floor. That is the purpose, kid. Get with the program) but I was so proud of my little girl. I was sobbing like a lunatic at her HUGE milestone, so she probably thinks she did something wrong and won't use the potty again till she's 9, but I still felt so happy. Even as I scrubbed the piss out of my rug.


Mother Knows Best Reviews said...

Caitlyn is a fricking rock star! I am amazed, Alice still battles us at diaper changes as if we were using cut glass instead of diaper wipes.

Jaclyn said...

Don't be fooled, Angie. Caitlyn throws a little hissy every time I put a diaper on her too.

wagthedad said...

Having successfully "trained" two human beings to use the potty, I have to say that I have no advice for you.

Other than let her do things in her own time. Right now my main concern is when my kids will be able to ride a bike /swim. A friend of mine asked me if I knew anyone who tried to ride a bike and never learned to do it. Ditto with peeing and pooping in the toilet.

Eventually, it will come. But if you push them too much, it won't come. Sometimes they develop nasty complexes, and you don't want that. 18 months may be too early.

I think you have an awesome dog, though. If you play it right you won't ever have to clean up a diaper again, you know?

Good luck

Jaclyn said...

@WTD - I may not be cleaning up as many diapers, but I'm picking up 3 times as much dog shit, so I think it balances out. As far as Caitlyn goes, I'm definitely not pushing her, but it's fucking annoying when she refuses to keep a diaper on then randomly pisses on things. Two days ago I found her in a corner, her leg lifted- LIFTED LIKE A DOG- pissing on my rug. I did not figure "don't pee like the dog" into my potty training game plan.

Front Desk Ninja said...

When we were training my niece to pee in the bowl (because it took 4 of us. Her mom, her dad, me and *my* mother) she would walk around with this look on her face, and then go and pee on the actual dog.

Or she'd climb up on your lap, snuggle you and make you think it was a fantastic cuddle cute moment until you felt the warmth on your leg. Those were always the best moments, and everyone quickly learnd to travel with extra clothing.

Jaclyn said...

@FDN this is exactly the kind of shit Caitlyn does. Like she thinks she is being funny or cute when she pisses on things and just looks at me with this expression on her face when I catch her- how to even explain it- like "TA-DA!!". That's it. I'm pretty sure if she was old enough to know how to do jazz hands, she would be doing that every single time. Jazz hands piss time.

Elliot MacLeod-Michael said...

brb, gonna go barf

Jaclyn said...

@Elliot- You are definitely going to need a stronger stomach if you plan to read my blog. I'm generally pretty disgusting.